Fine Dining Etiquette....Oh My!!!
I typically manage to prove to be an embarrassing boob to the fetching Mrs. Mikey when dining at a five star restaurant. The table settings have way too many cutlery and plate accoutrements from which to choose. Dining should be a pleasant experience; however, Im unduly stressed when my plate is completely surrounded by gleaming cutlery of varying sizes and shapes. Which do I use first and for what? And whatÂs with that skinny little table cloth running down the middle of the table? I do know a few things such as IÂm supposed to wait for the host to dig in before I dig in and I know that the BIG spoon is for soup. At least I get that rightÂ
Relative to cutlery, do I start nearest the plate and work my way outward or is it the other way aroundÂ.IÂm so confused. And whatÂs that mysterious munchkin size cutlery above my dinner plate? Do I have to replace the cutlery in the same location once itÂs been used? I guess I could simply watch someone else to determine what tools are used when and for what. But what if the person I choose to mimic is a buffoon like meÂ.. Oh my head is starting to hurtÂ.
How can I possibly enjoy my fillet when IÂm concerned about how to position my fork? This part I get. I hold the meat down with the fork in my left hand and cut with the knife in my right hand. Now for the hard part. Do I lay the knife on the top or the side of my plate and which way does the sharp side of the blade face? Now for the real confusing part. Do I transfer the fork with the meat from my left hand to my right hand or leave it in my left hand? And once I do get ready to shovel that juicy piece of fillet into my mouth, do I do so with the tines (bettcha didnÂt know I knew what tines were did you?) facing upward or downward? The Brits seem to do it with fork in their left hand and with the tines facing downward as does the fetching Mrs. Mikey but most others I see do it with tines facing upward and the fork in their right hand. Of course the parents of the fetching Mrs. Mikey were Canadian so perhaps thatÂs why she does it weirdÂ..
Then thereÂs the platingÂ.oh myÂ Three plates all stacked on top with each one slightly smaller than the previous. I really like that bottom plate thoughÂ.itÂs HUGEÂ. a manÂs plate! [i]"ItÂs what honey? A charger? No honey, a Charger is what they drove on Dukes of HazzardÂÂ.you know, the General Lee was a Dodge Charger. ItÂs only for show? You mean I donÂt eat off of it?"[/i] Oh my head achesÂ.. Such a waste of a huge plateÂÂ Water glass, wine glass, dessert wine glassÂ help! ItÂs all so confusing. A tea bag rest, a knife restÂÂ oh please, give it a rest!
Since I never know from which side the waiter is approaching I donÂt know if I should lean left or lean right. Let me see, hmmm; soiled plates are removed from the left and clean plating is removed from the right. Is that something like righty-tighty, lefty-loosy?
Okay, now that IÂve finished eating. Do I lay the cutlery on the plate in any particular order? Tines up or down? Oh my headÂ.. Do I put my napkin on the table or on my plate and if I put it on the table, do I put it left or right of my plate? Do I stick it back through the napkin ring holder? This is tough stuff to learnÂ.
I just hate it when after the meal has been eaten and I still have a bunch of unused cutlery lying aroundÂ.. IÂm such a boobÂ.. Oh, my head hurts! - Mike