More funniness

fishies(Ottawa z4a or 5)June 6, 2006

About five years ago, I read about this contest for "the worst possible opening sentence for an imaginary novel." The idea really appealed to me, so for a while, my cousin and I had our own little contest. Any of you want to play? Here's my entry. It's all about the space aliens, I tell you.

Sam Speck, by Shelly Cactus-Lover

"Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Kevin came to the slow realization that life was not a series of unrelated coincidences, but that his entire history had been part of a grand master plan orchestrated, event upon event, by a none-too-benevolent race of highly intelligent space aliens, hell-bent on acquiring complete control of all worlds known and unknown; and as he reflected on his unwilling role in their plan for universal domination, Kevin saw three bright lights careening wildly in the dark Minnesota sky and thought to himself, 'Good God, what now?'"

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jeffrey_harris(San Diego, CA)

'Laura, concerned that her friends might think her mean-spirited because she was the only member of her Stepford Wivish-clique to vote for using the last known habitat of the perky-breasted sapsucking sparrow as a low-level nuclear waste dump, contrived a plan to win back the affection of her friends. She would contact PETA and ask their assistance in relocating the entire sparrow population to an area that had a little-used Air Force bombing range, near a town called Roswell.'

    Bookmark   June 6, 2006 at 5:01PM
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fishies(Ottawa z4a or 5)

It really is all about the space aliens, isn't it, Jeff?

Now I'm wondering what happens to those sparrows... does PETA accept? Do the sparrows get all radiated with Otherworldly Alien Energy, and develop super-sparrow powers? Do her friends take her back into the fold?

    Bookmark   June 6, 2006 at 8:35PM
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ooojen(z4MN)

How very reassuring to think there's someone else out there with an already-composed Bulwer-Lytton entry :) Cool!
Mine starts with, "The trout fisherman cast his eyes about the stream..."

    Bookmark   June 7, 2006 at 10:07AM
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ooojen(z4MN)

In a brief bored moment, I found these-- don't have time to read them all yet:

Here is a link that might be useful: contest results

    Bookmark   June 7, 2006 at 11:18AM
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jeffrey_harris(San Diego, CA)

Dear OooJen,

I can only hope to underachieve a 1/10 as well as they did - thanks for the link!

    Bookmark   June 7, 2006 at 1:29PM
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jeffrey_harris(San Diego, CA)

After securing the blessing of relocation-without-equivocation from PETA (both factions - The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and The People for Eating Tasty Animals), Laura contacted the Mayor of Roswell, a ne'er-do-well farmer of soybeans and a squalid producer of the Japanese delicacy natto (fermented soybeans), who went by the time-honored moniker of Pladraig O'Puntia, known to his few enemies and even fewer friends as Platy O'Puntia, for permission to perform the work that she felt, ever since Kevin saw the three brightly-lit careening lights during that fateful, frightful night in the Land of a Thousand Lakes, it was her calling, nay, her birthright, to perform.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2006 at 1:40PM
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fishies(Ottawa z4a or 5)

You used the word "nay." hee hee. That's a funny word. I don't care what people say: it's as good as "dastardly."

    Bookmark   June 13, 2006 at 10:49PM
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fishies(Ottawa z4a or 5)

Jen! Thanks for the link! Hilarious.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2006 at 10:50PM
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ooojen(z4MN)

I thought it was interesting that even though Bulwer-Lytton is famous for bad writing, he coined phrases like, "The pen is mightier than the sword", "The Great Unwashed", and, "The almighty dollar".
I've never actually read any of his work, but I think I highly of him for penning "The Last Days of Pompei". Twenty or so years ago, it was indeed a treat to watch Duncan Regher play a gladiator :)

    Bookmark   June 14, 2006 at 12:08PM
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