Feeling blue

birdsnbloomsNovember 16, 2006

Is anyone else feeling blue this time of year? I'm really depressed. So much is happening in my life right now and I don't know how to cope with it.

My son, whom I love dearly, is seeing a girl..well, she got pregnant. This is the third time since Apr. She was supposed to be on the pill and lied about it.

To top if off, my son can't find a job. He's going to school to get his CDL. I'm hoping he lands something after he graduates.

Normally around the holidays, I'm preparing..baking, writing down recepies, etc. I am really really depressed right now. I don't know what to do about this sitation..My dh is supporting me and our son..and now his g/f pretty much moved in..she's around daily..and now I found out she might have lost her job. This entire matter sucks.

What can I do to brighten my days. Thanks for listening..Toni

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pirate_girl(Zone7 NYC)

Well Toni,

Sorry to hear of these difficulties & that you're bummed (I can see why). First thing, go muck w/ the plants & get some dirt under yr. nails, that's bound to start making you feel better.

As to the particulars, I have opinions, but am leary of sharing them, however ...

Well caution won out, I wrote some stuff, it was judgmental & I know it was, so I'm not posting it.

Still, I can't help but feel, suffice it to say these are adults, right, not minors; maybe your son needs to deal with either condoms or ditching the girlfriend (or both), maybe his father could talk some sense into him, maybe you & DH need to decide btwn you two how far you'll extend yrself for these two, who appear to be making the same mistakes repeatedly?

See what I mean, hard (at least for me), not to have opinions abt this ... I'd better stop now.

Go play w/ the plants & feel better, sorry I don't have any answers.

(PG) Karen

    Bookmark   November 17, 2006 at 4:21PM
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Karen, please feel free to reply what your feeling. I need answers..Right now so much is happening, and I can't cope with it.
For one thing, and I've mentioned this before, but I'm on anti-depresents. 3 types..My doc who prescribed them is no longer there..so I'm seeing his replacement. The doc told me to contact another doc I see and ask about the meds. The second doc told me to stop taking them all, just go cold turkey..So, Tues was the last day I took these meds and I'm having miner withdrawls..Maybe it wasn't a good time to quit taking them at this time.
Anyway, dh and I are clueless what to do. Yes, they're both adults, but act like infants..no responsiblity whatsoever. IN the meantime, it's taking its toll on us. Lastnight I cried my eyes out..felt great, too..it just seems like everything is happening at once..Even silly things like my pictures not working..
On Fridays I do major cleaning in the house so thats' what I'm doing now..to be honest, as tired as I am, it feels good to be cleaning..that's bad!! (S)
Anyway, if you have something to say, even if you think it'll offend me, please be open..Thanks, Toni

    Bookmark   November 17, 2006 at 4:37PM
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pirate_girl(Zone7 NYC)

Well Toni,

This is a public forum & some of the things I'd say here are personal & private (for both of us), so it's a bit dicey.

Apologies in advance, as I write & edit this, it's looking like it may not make you feel better, but perhaps, may give you some strategies as to how to cope.

1st & foremost, a caution, on 3 anti-depressants, my subjective opinion is you should be speaking w/ a licensed therapist, not doing this here! There are both psych & medical issues at stake here. I have some experience w/ both, my Mom is bi-polar & tho' high functioning, on meds now for 18+ yrs (which I monitor quite closely), it's a serious thing psych meds, not to be tinkered w/ lightly.

I'm uncertain as to the soundness of the medical advice you've been given to discontinue all 3 at once & cold turkey at that. Your health 1st pls. here dear, yr. son later.

IF IT WERE ME, I'd go to the pharmacist filling these RXs & talk to them abt discontinuing all 3 at once & cold turkey, & ask their opinion & whether this is even safe to do. **Take all yr. pill bottles w/ you & show them to them.** I'd also ask them for referral for a PSYCHIATRIST (a medical doctor licensed in psych drugs as a speciality). This is potentially dangerous & if it were me, I'd be much more careful doing this than you've expressed here; not to be alarmist, but pls., better safe than sorry.

I'm not a parent, but have had personal experience w/ unwanted pregnancy & abortion (at age 14, long ago, when one did NOT hear of pregnant 14 yr. olds). Tho' I am staunchly prochoice, I do not feel muliple abortions are an acceptable form of birth control. Action needs to be taken NOW. Since she's not yr. daughter, take action w/ yr. son or the girl & the baby will end up yr. (& DH's) responsibility too!


I strongly suggest you & yr. husband have a talk w/ yr. son & tell him you will NOT support this pregnancy! You are already supporting him while he's jobless (I have no idea what that schooling meant, the initials of which you mentioned). Are you also going to take in the girl & then the baby? Are you high?

In this day & age why isn't he using condoms? Disease alone is reason enough (I was an active for some yrs. in AIDS/HIV prevention, having lost some friends to the disease).

She's shown she's a lier & irresponsible abt this, therefore HE needs to act now. If he continue to sleep w/ her HE must take action & you (& DH) must make plain to him to assume every act of intercourse is a potential pregnancy unless he wears a condom EACH & EVERY TIME. Frankly, if he were mine, I'd be encouraging him to ditch the girl, she sounds reckless & irresponsible (if I understood pregnant 3 times since April). If she's got living parents, I'd get them involved quickly, or you're going be raising that child yourself!

If they are not going to be responsible, you & DH HAVE TO BE, or you're going to end up supporting son, GF & baby, are you ready & able to do that? Is DH ready to support 2 more people?

I don't mean to sound quite so hard-assed Toni, but these are ALL very serious issues you're dealing w/, requiring aggressive action. Perhaps a therapist for yr. whole family, as it appears the family UNIT could use the help, if this can go on multiple times!!!

I told ya this could get rough: trusting that (1) you encouraged me to speak freely & (2) you know I am well-intentioned in this.


Will keep you in my thoughts,


Could other people pls. chime in here w/ some ideas/ support? Seems important.

    Bookmark   November 18, 2006 at 12:22AM
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fishies(Ottawa z4a or 5)

You've said it all, Karen.

Get a second (and maybe a third) professional opinion about cutting out the meds. That is a BIG step, especially taken under the advice of someone who doesn't know your medical/psychiatric history. Karen's suggestion of speaking to both your pharmacist and a psychiatrist is excellent. In my opinion - which is totally uneducated, so take it for what it's worth - a general physician has no business prescribing three different antidepressants in the first place. Once he saw that you have serious psychiatric problems - serious enough to require three different types of medication, he should have referred you to a psychiatrist ASAP. He didn't. That's a bad sign. Get thee to a psychiatrist. You're crying because your pictures aren't working. This is not normal. It's not you; it's not your situation - you've gone off your meds without any psychiatric support. I can't believe a GP would be so irresponsible as to suggest that you do that, and I suspect that he's a fool of the highest order. Take care of yourself so you can deal with your idiot son and his idiot girlfriend.

Now, about the idiot son and his idiot girlfriend, I don't know how old they are, or how long they've been on their own (or even if they ever have lived on their own). But whether or not they're ready to become adults, they're having a baby, so it looks like they've got to make some changes in their approaches to responsibility, and fast.

Whether your son stays with this girl or not, he's a father now. Breaking up with his girlfriend won't change that, unless she terminates the pregnancy. And since it sounds like she might have been trying to get pregnant, that doesn't seem like a real possibility.

So what do you do? Well, it depends how many of your son's responsibilities you want to carry. Two considerations here: how much you CAN carry without sacrificing your own life, and how carrying your son's responsibilities might impede his ability to grow the hell up.

You say that it "seems like" she might be moving in to your home? And you're not sure, but "maybe" she lost her job? Time to set some boundaries here, and find out what the heck is going on. If they're having a baby, and your son is still living with you, and she's "maybe" moving in and "maybe" unemployed... well, you have a right to know what the situation is before you determine what role you're willing to play in their lives.

If these two are expecting you and your husband to help them in this really horrible situation, they absolutely have to - with no question - face up to the situation and deal with it head on themselves first. They've got to be honest with you about what they need from you, why they need it, how long they'll need it, and the steps they're taking so they won't need it in the future. Planning for life is what grown ups do, and now that they're having a baby, it's time to be a grown up.

My suggestion is to sit down with your son, his girlfriend, AND his girlfriend's parents and answer these fundamental questions:

1. What EXACTLY is the situation? Are they going to try to do this together? Are they going to break up? Are they going to get married or live together? Is she going to work while she's pregnant and he's in school? Is he going to work while she's pregnant and he's in school? If they split up, are they going to share custody? Seriously, you need to know what the situation is before you can do anything at all to help them.

2. What kind of help do they need from you and from her parents? And is it support that you are willing and able to give?

3. How long do they expect to need this help?

4. What steps are they taking so that they will no longer need this help?

5. What are the conditions, imposed by you and her parents, on giving this help?

6. What will be the repercussions of violating these conditions?

These are questions that need to be discussed, openly and thoroughly, before you can make any kind of game plan. And you can't do that if you're really depressed. Take care of yourself as soon as possible, so that you're in a state of mind where you can deal with your son's situation calmly and rationally.

I hope that's not too abrupt?

Thinking of you,

    Bookmark   November 18, 2006 at 9:38AM
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Toni, I have had similiar things happen in my family. I know this sounds trite, but take a big breath and know that you will feel better with time. Your kids problems are not really your problems. You might feel guilty as I did, that all this happened because of poor parenting. Stop feeling that(if you are) Again, take a deep breath and try your hardest to take care of yourself. Try to make your brain stop thinking about ways to fix this problem. You can't fix this, your kids have to.

About the medication thing, very strange. When my life seems to be falling apart, I make an appt for a physical. My life seems to fall apart every couple of years so this plan really works well for me. Good luck. I know how awful you must be feeling. Keep telling yourself that this too shall pass.

    Bookmark   November 18, 2006 at 8:49PM
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Hi Toni, so sorry about what you're going through...it's been awhile since this thread started and I'm hoping you are feeling better. A word about the antidepressants - I was taking one for 9 years and switched to another recently. Initally, I felt okay but after awhile, intense irritability set in and I'm now in the process of going back on the original med. ALong with the irritability, I went through a profound depression that lasted more than a month. I missed three days of work and had lots of related problems. The point is, if it ain't broke, don't fix it...I'm not sure why your doctor took you off all three just like that; was he a psychiatrist or medical doctor? I had one who decided I wasn't depressed anymore and took me off and within 3 weeks I was in serious depression. Please don't wait for a reaction to set in as the meds clear your system, believe me, that's just asking for trouble. It will take 4-6 weeks to build back up the blood levels of the meds if you stay off them much longer.

The situation with your son is a difficult one and I must say I fall in with the general consensus here that he needs to stand on his own two feet. On the other hand, you are his mother and I'm sure its very difficult for you to stand by without helping. Stay strong and keep us informed about how you're doing.

All the best....Eileen

    Bookmark   November 25, 2006 at 8:40PM
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paul_(z5 MI)

Toni, I do hope you're doing better & that your situation has improved.

I'm not a parent [& I know that is an emotional factor here as well] but as a high scholl teacher I see all sorts of child/parent issues. As with the other, please take these comments in the spirit they are meant ... out of concern for you.

1) Ditto on the meds + therapist issues. Your doctor's replacement, IMO, is moron with less brains than God gave a turnip.

2) Your son's girl got pregnant 3 times since April & not only is he still with her but didn't have the common sense to dump her or use a condom?! Is he THAT stupid!? It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that if she's already being that deceitful w/ something as life altering as having a child she certainly can't be trusted with anything else.

3) I hope you have had the talks others mentioned above w/ your son & his girlfriend. As to setting boundaries -- DO NOT HESITATE TO MAKE THOSE BOUNDARIES STRICT & WRITTEN IN STONE! If they are going to live with you, then you have every right to have any rules & conditions you want. There is no negotiation. This is YOUR house not THEIRS. From what you've said they have not shown any sign of acting like adults. On account of this, IMO, they have forfeited any rights to be treated as such until they start acting like adults. If at any point they want to complain & gripe -- tell them they know where the door is. If they don't like it ... LEAVE. And for your part MEAN IT! [Even though the 'guilt' side will be trying to convince you otherwise]. If you give in, you can resign yourself to being their doormat and their bankroll for the rest of your days.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2006 at 9:12AM
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grice(z5 Michigan)

Toni I hope things get better for you soon. I have been blue myself but wont add to your burden with my woes. I will say this, things will be better. I'm not sure how long it will take or what it will take. THINGS will be BETTER. Please believe that. I know it may not be of much comfort now but you have many concerned friends here at the forum. I believe that with the good will we all wish you things have no choice but to turn around. Just hold on and wait for the morning. I
I'm sorry for the cliche but it it true. With this many people wishing you well and sending this much positive energy and good thoughts your way there's no way you can be defeated!
We all love you Toni and wish you well.
Sincerely, Grice

    Bookmark   December 13, 2006 at 6:32PM
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Oh Toni, so sorry you are feeling so sad. With everything you are going thru and then the holidays things will get better. It will just take some time.
ITA with setting some time limits for your son, the pharmacist suggestion and seeking other professional help.
Perhaps you can talk to clergy, minister etc.
Get out there and keep busy with your plants or whatever makes you happy. Get some exercise, try to concentrate on something happy. Perhaps laying on a beach etc.

I am not making light of your situation at all as I believe it is very serious, but just remember, you could be in Iraq. I always think of that when I have a stressful day.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2006 at 9:49PM
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jean001(z8aPortland, OR)

Considerable good suggestions here. Particularly now that he and she have made a baby, they should assume the responsibility or make other plans.

An option not yet mentioned is that the child be adopted so that it will be in a two-parent family.

Further, you needn't feel any guilt. Guilt is appropriate only if you have done something wrong. And you haven't. Rather than guilt, what you are experiencing is a huge disappointment in your son.

Hope things soon turn around for you.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2006 at 10:53PM
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pirate_girl(Zone7 NYC)

Hi Toni,

If you're reading this, I just wanted to say a quick hi & reiterate that we're all thinking of you & missing your valued contributions at GW's HP forum.

I've been contacted by a kind person who's been in touch w/ me privately & I know you're at least getting their support. Am happy & relieved to hear that, I know how important it is.

Someone above suggested some exercise, excellent idea, just pls. keep up w/ yr. plants, we all know how self-nurturesome & uplifting that can be!

Still wishing support, strength, faith & good judgment to you & yours. Pls. know that many folks here are sending warm thoughts yr. way & some have even opened a thread asking abt you at Houseplants Discussions. You are missed dear!

We'll be glad to hear from you when you care to stop by. ((HUGS))

Warmest regards,

(PG) Karen

    Bookmark   December 14, 2006 at 12:39AM
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