Singles Ads

bihai(zone 9)January 29, 2006

I admit it, I am a closet singles ads reader. I mean, they can be SO entertaining.

This is an example of one that is in our paper this week:

YARD DOG, SHORT HAIR

Affectionate, housebroken, all papers, shots,warm feet, cold nose, doesn't drink from porcelain, chase cars or cats, likes to dig, seven years old. SWM in search of SF.

Okay, I still haven't figured out this guys angle. Is he a dog, or a dog lover? Is he looking for someone who likes dogs? Is he into bestiality?

Then there's this one:

No Title

Outspoken, honest SF, 25, love animals, children, playing football, baseball, volleyball, etc, outdoors, enjoy vegging in front of TV, seeking honest SM 25-35, non smoker who doesn;t act different in front of friends.

She sounds like someone on the rebound from a guy that may have been slightly mentally younger than her.

If you were going to place a singles ad, what would YOU say about YOU?

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chickadeedeedee(z 6-7 ish Ohio)

"...doesn't drink from porcelain..."

Sounds like he's gotta potential. I **HATE** porcelain breath.

C3D

    Bookmark   January 29, 2006 at 4:26PM
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gonzer_gw

I used to wonder why there were so many midgets looking for companionship. Why else would all those "DWF"'s put out ads???

    Bookmark   January 29, 2006 at 5:47PM
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semper_fi(Z7 GA)

"If you were going to place a singles ad, what would YOU say about YOU? "

Thank God I'm not in THAT position but if I was:

SWM, 37, seeks SWF alibi for the night of January 27 between 10pm and 12am. Preferably attractive & wealthy for bail purposes perhaps more. Respond to Box 13

    Bookmark   January 29, 2006 at 7:40PM
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ademink(z5a-5b Indianapolis)

LOL Semper, you're a piece of work! ;) Ok, I'm not single, but if I was:

SWF, 37, annoyingly straight-forward, mildly mentally deranged, lover of squirrels and all things rodent - seeking BM (breathing male) who loves to do the dishes, cooks, cleans, doesn't fart, doesn't clog the toilet or tear off his toenails w/ this teeth (uh...I had one of those for a while). Pathological liars with a glass eye need not apply (...yeah, had one of those too LOL).

    Bookmark   January 29, 2006 at 11:29PM
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jeffahayes(8a Upstate SC)

SWF, 37, annoyingly straight-forward, mildly mentally deranged, lover of squirrels and all things rodent

Did you see the latest episode of "Monk," Andrea? (USA Network... Fridays @ 10 p.m., several replays through the week if you miss the original airing). If not, and you're a fan, try to catch the next replay... a homeless guy in there had the cutest little pet white mouse named Devo. :)

    Bookmark   January 29, 2006 at 11:54PM
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bihai(zone 9)

So all of you are 37 huh?

Mine would read (if I WAS single/widowed etc):

White female, 40 something, financially stable, heavily tattooed, loves FINANCIALLY STABLE MEN with Harleys, tattoos, who love heavy metal music and like to drink good wine. No bums. Must be able to run at least 5 miles at a time without stopping and bench press at least half their body weight. No beer bellies please. Ability to do yardwork competently a definite plus. Ability to put the toilet seat down also a definite plus. Usage of antidepressant medications or recreational drugs a definite negative. As my daughter says, "NO WACKOS MOM!"

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 7:23AM
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chickadeedeedee(z 6-7 ish Ohio)

If on e-Bay.....

FOR SALE by original spouse:

One 1958 petite 5' 2.5" slender classic. Long honey blonde hair (sometimes mixed with dog or cat hair and the occasional flea), green eyes, incredible inner strength, soft skin. No Rust. Has all original parts. NOT declawed! A few dents and dings but an excellent motor that purrs like a kitten.

Likes children, animals, playing in the mud. Cleans up well.

Tastes like chicken.

Comes with an accessory package which includes: generous supply of lint rollers, shampoo, migraine medications, potato chips, NASCAR race schedule and more.

**PLEASE NOTE** There is a RESERVE minimum price. Bid high and bid often.

**PLEASE NOTE** Bidding ends 2-13-06 at 11:59 PM.

For more information contact:
Mike @ Camp Nappy Resort and Entertainment Center ® Room 13

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 10:17AM
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bihai(zone 9)

CD3 you crack me up!

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 11:07AM
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hnladue(z5NY)

You forgot, Fruits and Nuts need not apply......

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 1:59PM
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semper_fi(Z7 GA)

Dear Sir,

I have some questions in regards to your auction listing posted on eBay. This appears to be a VERY nice and flawless year/make/model though I am not crazy about the BROWN color which has faded to a Sea green/blue this week. I have noticed that she doesn't pull to the right side and desperately needs a good alignment and a paint job... perhaps a nice solid black with gold pinstripes. So what's the reason for selling??? Is there any sort of manufacturer's extended warranty or are you auctioning this unit 'AS IS'? Also, although your eBay feeback rating is quite flawless at 113%, I am a bit concerened about the timing of when the auction is ending. What happens to this item when the clock strikes midnight???

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 8:54PM
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bihai(zone 9)

Poof!

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 9:14PM
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chickadeedeedee(z 6-7 ish Ohio)

Thank you Mr. Fi for your interest in my auction listing.

I fully understand your concerns about the coloration. The current shockingly Sea blue/green is the result of a Sea-sonal juju and is quite a temporary condition. I can assure you that the color will be well stabilized by the time of the auction's end. Should you be the winning bidder you will of course be free to choose your favorite paint scheme. Even a brown-orange combination if you so desire is possible.

I am afraid that since she is a vintage 1958 model the manufacturer's warranty has expired long ago. Even though the auction listing is being sold 'AS IS' she is highly dependable.

The reason for the sale? Again this is a TEMPORARY condition due to the Sea-sonal juju but frankly those 13 eyes freak me out.

Should the auction listing remain unsold at Midnight 2-14-06 I will need to take her back to Room #13 of the Camp Nappy Resort and Entertainment Center® and deal with the consequences as best I can. Thank you for your concern.

Again thank you for taking the time to look at my e Bay listing. Moocho Appreciato-ed !

Bid high. Bid often.

Mike

    Bookmark   January 30, 2006 at 9:53PM
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chickadeedeedee(z 6-7 ish Ohio)

Things that make me go hmmmmmm:

"... Slender classic .... Tastes like chicken...."

Gots to ask gGW if I can change my ID to Lean Cuisine®.

post #13 by C3D :-)

    Bookmark   January 31, 2006 at 1:15PM
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bihai(zone 9)

The funny thing about these ads is that they almost always list their astrological signs, just like they would if they were in a bar in the 1970's or early 80's...."Hi, I'm a Scorpio...."

    Bookmark   January 31, 2006 at 2:42PM
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fairy_toadmother

on that note...

SWF, 35...looking for someone to sting. (i am a scorpio, take it any way you feel necessary)
:)

    Bookmark   January 31, 2006 at 7:34PM
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bihai(zone 9)

My entire family are Scorpios, except me.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2006 at 8:12PM
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horton(6 b Ontario.)

We were all dancers in our family, with the exception of the sewing machine.......it's a Singer"?

Twinkle Toes.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2006 at 8:34PM
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chickadeedeedee(z 6-7 ish Ohio)

Dear Mr Fi.

Thank you for your continued interest in my e Bay chicken tasting juju item. As I mentioned earlier the 13 eyes and puke green color was a temporary result of her most important SEA-sonal mission which thankfully was successful. :-) x 13!

I regret (for you my friend) that I must withdraw this item from the auction. Miss Lean Cuisine ® is no longer puke SEA green and she once again has the standard issue of 2 green eyes. Further inventory of the item will soon follow this postingG.

Mr. Fi, as you had shown an interest in this item, may I make it up to you by offering our kitten Blinky?

If interested please contact:

Mike @ Camp Nappy Resort and Entertainment Center ®.uk
Room 13

    Bookmark   February 6, 2006 at 11:11PM
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semper_fi(Z7 GA)

Dear Sir Nappy,

I am extremely disappointed with your decision to cancel all bids and void this auction. :-(

The football hex she had successfully placed on all Steelers playoff opponents was just the beginning. As you well know, pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training next week. This means that the 2006 baseball season is just around the corner. I thought who better to fix the Atlanta Braves' past poor playoff performance problems promptly than Ms. CleOH???

As for your bait & switch tactics of offering Blinky... I am not prepared to bid on this item sight unseen. Before I can keep a watchful eye on this auction, I need to see a picture. No blind dates here, thank you. I doubt that this replacement item can foresee into the future like the original item. Hope Blinky can see things my way too.

Any input on this subject from my peers such as MSM Mogul, Youreit, etc. would be greatly appreciated.

    Bookmark   February 7, 2006 at 9:06PM
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mamabirrd(z5/6 PA)

LOL......this is a great subject.

bihai, I have always loved to read the singles ads in the classified section. Better than the funnies if you ask me!

I giggled when I found this thread, 'cause I discovered the most amazing thing while channel surfing last week. My cable company offers tons of programming, and I subscribe to a service called "On Demand". Basically, you can watch just about anything you want at anytime. Lots to pick from. As I was "digging" around, I found "Dating on Demand".
OMG, what a treasure! My new favorite thing to watch...better than my reality shows!
You basically pick a category, like "Women, age 30-45". Then a whole list of screen names pop up, and you just click on each one to see a 3-6 min. interview with each gal.
It becomes instantly obvious why each women is still single, LOL!
The first lady I watched was so crazy that I can't believe she is walking around loose.
And these women aren't the least bit shy about their desperate-ness. They ALL say that they are good cooks, love to clean, have good-paying jobs, etc., etc.

Thank GAWD I don't need to make a video for "Dating on Demand", but if I did I would:

1) Remove any large warts from my face before filming. Especially if they were larger than my nose.

2) Never mention my income.

3) Keep any opinions about "other worlds" and "strange beings" to a minimum.

You just have to see it to believe it! : )

~Dawn (mamabirrd)

    Bookmark   February 8, 2006 at 6:25AM
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horton(6 b Ontario.)

Semper, since the last time I was single, was back before Pontius Pilate did his first solo flight, I'm reluctant to give out advice on this on line dating game.
One thing I will say is, "Beware of Aryan Female Impersonators with sweet sounding names and Clammy ClinginG types"!
MSM My-Galisenuffformeeeeeeeeee.

    Bookmark   February 8, 2006 at 8:18AM
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youreit

Well, I figure blind dating is not unlike winning the lottery. Odds are, you won't get back what you put into it.

However, anyone who places an ad in the paper looking for love (or "friendship", how sad!) gets what they deserve. Don't ask me how I know this. LOL

Personally, I find the odds go up when you meet someone by chance in an appropriate location, i.e., at the pond store, in a plant nursery, at the Super Bowl, or, as I did, in a bar. :D

Cheers,
Brenda

    Bookmark   February 8, 2006 at 11:15AM
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hnladue(z5NY)

I'm looking to buy a Russian Husband! Know any good sites? If they have Russian Brides, why not husbands?

    Bookmark   February 8, 2006 at 12:46PM
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fairy_toadmother

"One thing I will say is, "Beware of Aryan Female Impersonators with sweet sounding names "--- HEY! i resemble that remark!

    Bookmark   February 8, 2006 at 7:05PM
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horton(6 b Ontario.)

Mein Gott in Himmel, FTM I would never have guessed it! LOL
MSM Mogallonsperhour.

    Bookmark   February 8, 2006 at 7:20PM
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semper_fi(Z7 GA)

"Keep any opinions about "other worlds" and "strange beings" to a minimum. "

Mamabirrd, GREAT criteria! LOL! MANY years ago when I was trying to hire an administrative assistant for my business, I could not believe some of the bizarre resumes that I was receiving. There were at least two that listed their hobbies (which is strange all on its own on a professional resume) and mentioned "cooking", "enjoying singles life". There was another one that was laced with some HEAVY perfume. YEEESH! Like I said earlier, thank GAWD I'm not in that position.

hnladue, think about it dudette. Logic should tell you that there's gotta be darn good reasons why attractive russian women are flocking to old, out-of-shape American men. Here's

    Bookmark   February 8, 2006 at 8:04PM
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bihai(zone 9)

Have you ever heard of "Speed Dating" or is it just a local phenomenon in the weird town I live in?

Speed Dating sessions are held regularly at several clubs here. You supposedly sit down for SIX MINUTES with a "speed date" and ask (and are asked) a preset list of questions. Depending on the answers you get/give, the date either "proceeds" or doesn't.

I can just see myself doing this. I'd be too intent on making a huge joke out of it and would sit down with all my ink showing and ask questions like,

"So, have you ever pierced one of your own body parts?"

"WHen was the last time you rode your Harley to Las Vegas? Oh, you don;t have a Harley...."

"Can you bench press me?"

"Do you get defensive when a woman outdrinks you?"

"Would you willingly get my name tattooed on your (insert body part of choice here)?

    Bookmark   February 8, 2006 at 8:47PM
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fairy_toadmother

horton, ahhhh the incongito priviledges of the web. it was time to click my heels, wave my wand, and my shining hair came out of the dark closet.

bihai, i have heard of it, but only in movies (Hitch, with will smith)

    Bookmark   February 8, 2006 at 11:14PM
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bihai(zone 9)

Maybe they stole it from there. I don't know, it could be a national fad for all Iknow. I think its kind of silly, but I guess some people need to cut to the chase, so to speak. Rule out those serial killers an dother unsavories early, like in the first 6 minutes!

    Bookmark   February 9, 2006 at 6:56AM
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horton(6 b Ontario.)

Bihai & FTM, Check the link below for the origin of Speed Dating.
Quite surprising I thought?
"H"

Here is a link that might be useful: Speed Dating

    Bookmark   February 9, 2006 at 8:07AM
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youreit

Oy, vey! Ain't ahava grand? :D

Brenda

    Bookmark   February 9, 2006 at 11:39AM
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chickadeedeedee(z 6-7 ish Ohio)

I worked at one animal hospital where one guy was very interested in Internet dating. He posted something on a site and got quite a bit of interest from some Russian lady.

She sent many very personal e mails to this guy and by the third e mail she was almost proposing marriage! Funny thing though ... Her emails were not the best English until she stated she needed money for a visa to get to the USA.

Her grammer and English was perfection as she gave VERY precise directions how to send $1500.00 US via Western Union to her account. Hmmmm. Her exact words at the end of that e mail was:

~~Do not delay with the concrete steps !!! ~~

LOL!

No ..... He did not fall for that one. :-)

C3D

    Bookmark   February 18, 2006 at 6:56PM
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michigoose(Z5OH)

Ummm....are concrete steps like concrete overshoes?

    Bookmark   February 18, 2006 at 9:42PM
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jeffahayes(8a Upstate SC)

Yeah, I had TWO of those "Russian ladies" try that with me... Almost fell for the first one, but not really having the money to start with (the scammers do their homework, as they had the right amount for the plane ticket, which I verified with the airline website), I did EXTENSIVE websearches to see if it could be a scam until I found a couple of sites with pictures of scammers and the letters they send out... Took me a few hours, but I eventually found both her picture and "her letter," listed for not only her, but several others as well.

When I didn't continue to reply as expected, and instead replied that I knew I was being scammed, the "pat" (where are you, what's wrong? kind of emails started until I sent a really nasty one with cuts and pastes from the website... then never heard from that one again...

A few months later, a DIFFERENT "Russian Lady" from a different part of Russia contacted me via the same email dating service with slightly different story lines, but NOT different enough (pet's a mouse, instead of a cat, etc.), but since I save all my emails, I was able to compare... didn't take but a few and I was sure... did a search on that website and quickly found HER pictures there, too... blew her off and got the EXACT SAME "where are you? what's wrong?" series of two or three emails until once again I had to reply with an in-depth, "I know you're a scammer and HERE'S ALL THE PROOF" email, and never heard from THAT one again, either.

My radar's up and flyin' high.

Mama didn't raise no fool!
Jeff

Oh, and it was only $700 dollars, or so, in my case (not $1,500 or more -- I think they do demographics)... But had it been $15, I'd have STILL checked it out first.

    Bookmark   February 19, 2006 at 4:00AM
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