satinsky2(7B NC)February 23, 2007

My husband of 11 years is getting a divorce on March 5. What I do not get is why I even care. He is verbally abusive, very stingy, a pack rat to the extreme, an alcoholic, bi polor and will not take medicine, impotent, Always believed what other people said about me rather than what I said to be the truth, has been arrested 11 times for traffic violations, including 3 DWI, probably cheated on me and has done a lot of mean things toward me since we have been separated. Why in the world do I still care about him?

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Portiemom(San Diego)

You still care because you were probasly once in love with what you thought he was. You are well out of it. Soon you will feel relief that such a bad period of your life is over. A fresh new life lies ahead. Welcome it and let the ugly past slip away.


    Bookmark   February 23, 2007 at 12:45AM
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sammy zone 7 Tulsa

Perhaps you care because you were taught to care, and you were taught that as a woman, if anything went wrong, you had not fulfilled your female marital obligations well.

If I am even close, and if this bothers you, why don't you consider talking to someone who can help your feelings catch up to your brain.

I think you are quite fortunate.


    Bookmark   February 23, 2007 at 6:48AM
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harryshoe zone6 eastern Pennsylvania

Separation and rejection just seem to go together. He may be no prize, but if you feel, just a little bit, that he is leaving you - it is perfectly natural to feel rejection and depression.

Here's the good news: as bad as you feel now, in about 6 months you will be over it. Right now, you are incapable of realizing just how good you will feel. But you will. Do your time. Feel better.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2007 at 7:26AM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

Please don't be offended but if I were you I would get some counseling. Someone to help you sort out your feelings and emotions, to get you through this period and help you choose better in the future. Good luck. I have trouble understanding how people can love these kinds too. I have a friend who is recently divorced from a loser and she still gets bothered when she hears of his new girlfriend.


    Bookmark   February 23, 2007 at 8:39AM
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Perhaps you still care because even though he has those faults, he probably has some good points too. I think women are different then men, way different. Most men can just decide it's over and move on, they don't grieve for the ending of the marriage. When it doesn't work out, it means you failed, one of you gave up. Women have this small glimmer of hope that some how, he will wake up and realise what he threw away.

I was married to someone like that, that ended up getting physically abusive. 4 years of sleeping on the couch, I hoped he'd wake up. He did after he was removed from the home. Still blames me for everything though.

How are you doing other wise? Are you able to smile, and enjoy being single at all? Do you feel you're getting depressed? I have to agree that it may be a good idea to speak to someone. Someone I know had their marriage end and went into a big depression. Went on shopping sprees, didn't pay their bills & had to relocate. They are now starting bankruptcy due to this.

Divorces are painful. Every divorce has it's reasons / history, either you'll be a victim or you will learn from it and let it make you stronger.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2007 at 9:08AM
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rozannadanna(8 TX)

I have a feeling you are like me - you see what that person could be and you fall in love with that - most of the time they never live up to our expectations and as like someone else said - my age group was raised to believe that it was a forever thing; it is our responsibility to make things work; if we were better people our marriage would not fail, yadayada


And I am in the same situation, my divorce papers finally got to me yesterday for me to sign and return and finalize but and this is a big but - I had done everything, tried everything, for so long that when I finally left him I was over all the emotional hurt and anger that you are going through. It will get better - really - I promise.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2007 at 9:28AM
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michelle_co(z5 CO)

I believe you were able to bring out the best in the other person, at least for a while. You got to see the best that this man was capable of being. That is a hard thing to lose.

I hope you are able to look back and see how the good things that happened are a reflection of what is inside of *you*. Life is too short to have an emotional blackhole in your life, someone who takes away your peace and happiness.

You deserve better.


    Bookmark   February 24, 2007 at 12:02PM
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meredith_e Z7b, Piedmont of NC, 1000' elevation

Well, it's good that you can spell out the bad... sometimes folks can't even speak it. And you are way, way better off, for sure.

I wonder if you feel like you need to be in a relationship no matter the cost, along with what the others have said? My sister did that with an abusive man... she wanted the ring and the illusions that came with it, and he was the way she liked, often. She told me that in the end she was afraid to be alone. And it involved self-esteem issues she'd had since childhood.

Well, here's to a fresh new start, and congratulations for that and for asking yourself this question!

    Bookmark   February 24, 2007 at 1:05PM
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petaloid(SoCal 10a/24)

When you can let go of thinking how things might have been different in the past...

When you can turn to face your bright future and move forward into it...

... you will feel much, much better.

I wish you all the best!

    Bookmark   February 25, 2007 at 6:36PM
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hoovb zone 9 sunset 23

Spring is a time of renewal and hope. Spring will be here soon. I too wish you all the best for a better and brighter future.

    Bookmark   February 27, 2007 at 8:04PM
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If you have some secret dream, some thing you always wanted for yourself or maybe a vision of the person you want to be. Now is the time. It will be easier to make positive changes now than in the past. Use this moment to give yourself a gift....a better you...a better life. If you think of the sad times and stress you lived with then, think of the joy and peace to come. You can forgive him and let him go. You can't grow until you do. It's your time to heal. In a few years, if you love yourself and surround yourself with kindness, you will be living the life you always dreamed of.

    Bookmark   February 27, 2007 at 10:14PM
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morz8(Washington Coast Z8b)

I have been reading this and thinking a little along the lines as Kitty above....

Satinsky, I hope you can take a step in that direction on Monday and do at least some little thing that is just for you, believing that you deserve it. Is there some small way you can celebrate even if you don't quite feel like it yet? A haircut? Favorite food? Did he hate cats - pick up a kitten at the ASPCA to sleep on the foot of your bed. Buy yourself flowers - he may be getting a divorce, you are starting a wonderful new life.

    Bookmark   February 28, 2007 at 1:01AM
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iowa_jade(C 5b H 6)

No one wants to have anything to do with a drunk except for the family who has no choice. The drunks mess with their brains and cause havoc and pain.

Be polite but do not be nice. Help your husband reach his low by taking him to the bank. Find a good attorney now.

Like Carla said; talk with someone, perhaps someone who has been there. You are not alone.

Doug, a friend of Bill W.

Here is a link that might be useful: Worth trying

    Bookmark   February 28, 2007 at 10:00AM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

I realized my post may have been harsh and if it was I apologize. That's because I don't understand how a person can live with all that junk. There are two alcholics close to me and we had a family intervention for yet another alky, even took him to Atlanta to a wonderful facility. After a few weeks he tookd a cab to the bank picked up some $$ and took a bus home. He has come SO close to death so many times. It is H$ll to live with alcholics but it is a disease and they need help too. I'm sure you know this but they have to WANT to help themselves. It is your time to look out for yourself. Try to avoid the guilt.


    Bookmark   February 28, 2007 at 10:33AM
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harryshoe zone6 eastern Pennsylvania

I have to agree with those of you that said men and women see these things differently.

A number of my female friends have a habit of finding guys who need help. Maybe its part of the "nesting instinct" to find children to raise. They delude themselves into believing that they are the one who can resurect this "project". They repeat lines like:

He drinks a lot, but he is trying to quit.
He dosen't have a job, but he is looking.

If a man is still irresponsible by the time he reaches his thirties - don't waste your time trying to speed along the maturation process.

    Bookmark   February 28, 2007 at 10:33AM
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iowa_jade(C 5b H 6)

If this is a disease then it is not gender specific. It is important to break the cycle. That is why I suggested you seek out others who have traveled this path before you and found a solution.

Good luck!


    Bookmark   February 28, 2007 at 4:39PM
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