application for permission to date my daughter

ronda_in_carolinaMarch 3, 2008

My daughter is 13 and I suspect will soon want to date....someone sent me this in preparation. LOL!!!

Best laugh I have had in a longgggg time.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER....

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless

accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,

and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_______________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Number of years they have been married

______________________________

If years of marriage less than your age, explain

________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced

cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION

AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to

you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend

___________________________________________________

How often you attend

________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers

are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first

is:

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO

THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,

NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE

WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_________________________________________________________

Applicant's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________

Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________

Pastor/Priest /Rabbi State

Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and

non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be

contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or

write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If

your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman

wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back.)

To prepare yourself, keep reading.

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a

package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,

so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot

keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age

to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off

their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of

your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open

minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to

the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,

and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes

do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my

daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers

securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without

utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me

elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each

other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the

day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is

an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my

house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities

to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with

my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,

you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with

you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to

appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you

want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My

daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than

painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why

don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a

wooden stool.

- Places where there is darkness.

- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my

daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything

other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to

her throat.

- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;

movies which feature chain saws are okay.

- Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,

middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my

daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I

ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell

me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a

shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with

me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell me

to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon

as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands

in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear

voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then

return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The

camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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carla17(Z7 NC)

Ronda, TOO funny. Wait until she drives. Mine just got her permit a month ago. It is scary and there have been car fights between us. We will both be crying when they turn 16. I just hate those phases with hair, make up etc. You have so much fun ahead.

Carla

    Bookmark   March 3, 2008 at 1:21PM
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morz8(Washington Coast Z8b)

I liked this too and I don't even have a daughter. I've printed it for a friend who has a daughter 14 1/2 and is already tearing out his hair...

A year ago he met the mother of the 16 yr old boy who had been visiting (as she pulled into the driveway) and said, You have a very nice son but he can't come back....my daughter is 13. Conversation over.

    Bookmark   March 3, 2008 at 8:05PM
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opheliathornvt zone 5

Those can be hard years, but they pass. My daughter is now 20, in college, and saying unbelievable things like "You were right, Mom, I wish I had listened" !!!!! Unfortunately, everyone wants to learn by making their own mistakes, no matter how much you wish you could pass on your hard-won experiences to them.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2008 at 11:10AM
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kathwhit(z8, West OR)

My daughters are now both in their 30's, but I remember how amazing it was that I was the most stupid person on earth when they were 13-17 and then how I suddenly became so wise when they were in their 20's. I will forward this to friends who need it!
Thanks
Kathy

    Bookmark   March 4, 2008 at 12:47PM
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harryshoe zone6 eastern Pennsylvania

I often thank the Lord that I had two sons. Especially after my friends tell me about their teenage daughters.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2008 at 2:19PM
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michaelalreadytaken

I found out on Valentine's day that I'm going into grandpa land. Fortunately, she's married. Not only that, they appear to actually be in love.!!!

Who ever heard of such a thing?

Still, I watched them like hawks and his mother, well, she double watched them like hawks. LOL.

MichaelAT

    Bookmark   March 4, 2008 at 10:20PM
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