A grandparents grief, in memory of Leah Rose

cherrykist(Z-7 NC)June 21, 2007

I don't mean to be a downer but I just don"t know where else to go to express my grief. Wednesday June 14th, my grandaughter was still born...just 3 days before her due date. And while I grieve for the loss of my granddaughter, my heart aches for my daughter. I wasn't there when my daughter was told on her doctor visit that there was no longer a baby heartbeat. In fact she was alone because it was just a routine visit. We had just had a baby shower the 2 days before...and my daughter was showing everyone how the baby was kicking. I was however with her throughout the induced labor. The hardest part was seeing my little girl sobbing in grief while holding her little girl. For the first time in my life, I had no words of wisdom to makes the pain stop, and I couldn't fix her problems.There is no reason the doctors could find for the baby to die...they kind of explain it like SIDS before birth.

It's been a week now and my daughter seems to be holding up. We got through the funeral ok. She has 2 other children at home that help her keep her mind occupied. She has a wonderful support to help her (not too many out there for grandparents)....I live an hour away and I feel helpless and numb now. I am trying to get my interest back in my roses(or anything else) because I know they have always been a comfort and I know the good people here will also keep me smiling. So with that I say thank you to all of you for letting me post here and releasing some of my sorrow. Tammy

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rose_nutty(z4b)

Tammy, my heart aches for you all. I can't even imagine the pain of watching helplessly as your child has to go through this. My oldest is 16, and I sometimes can't bear it when she is dealing with difficulty, and that isn't even a drop in the bucket compared to what your daughter is going through. You will all get through this, and time will ease the pain. Prayers for you all.

    Bookmark   June 21, 2007 at 8:52AM
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alisande(Zone 4b)

Tammy, that's heartbreaking. I'm sure you'll find sympathy and support here, and I can also recommend GardenWeb's Grieving Forum.

If you know of a good grief counselor, that could be very helpful. Also, I would imagine Compassionate Friends welcomes grandparents, although I haven't had personal experience with them. If you live an hour away, perhaps you could find a group near the halfway mark that you could both attend together.

You might be able to find on the Internet things that could be comforting to your daughter. Ideas for memorials, that sort of thing. Again, I haven't had personal experience with a stillbirth, but I imagine many others have shared theirs.

Hugs to you,

Susan

    Bookmark   June 21, 2007 at 9:31AM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

Tammy, I am so sorry to hear this. What a terrible thing to endure. I will gladly send up a prayer for your daughter and you. If you need to talk and feel comfortable e-mailing me, that's fine. There have been others who come here for comfort and support in a time like this.

My sympathy,
Carla

    Bookmark   June 21, 2007 at 10:17AM
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pagan(8b)

how dreadful. warm sympathy to all...

    Bookmark   June 21, 2007 at 10:54AM
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aprille(z9 CA bay area)

Tammy - I'm so very very sorry for your's and your family's loss. It's heart-breaking. My family experienced the same thing last year when one of my cousins' in Australia who was expecting her first baby (would have been the first Grandbaby on both sides) unexpectedly lost her baby 3 weeks before her due date. She was at work and had just realized that she'd not felt the baby move for a while - her fellow co-workers had said sometimes that's normal - but by the end of the day when she'd still not felt any movements she went to her doctor - and they said that the baby was gone! We were all so devastated for her and for my Uncle & Aunt - as a Grandparent you get so invested in this little bundle of joy your child is about to bring into the world. They induced labour 5 days later - my sister who lives in Australia was there at the hospital as was all of our family who lives there - for support to the couple and Grandparents. They had a funeral and my cousin, her husband and the family got to say good bye.

Hang in there, be strong - and like Susan mentioned look into some support group. Just wanted to share my cousin's story with you and let you know I'll be thinking of you and your daughter. My heart is breaking for all of you.

Aprille

    Bookmark   June 21, 2007 at 12:53PM
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anntn6b(z6b TN)

Tammy,
My deepest condolences for you and your family.
Ann

    Bookmark   June 21, 2007 at 3:24PM
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sylviatexas1

I'm so sorry.

holding you & your daughter in my thoughts & in my heart.

    Bookmark   June 21, 2007 at 3:24PM
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teka2rjleffel(z10FL)

I'm so sorry Tammy for you and your daughter. I feel that she has wonderful support in you, that is so important. My daughter was killed by a drunk driver. I expected my mother to be there for me and she wasn't. It heaped on the hurt that was already there. So just keep talking to her even when she's not very responsive. Keep letting her know that you love her and want to help. Bless you both.
Nancy

    Bookmark   June 21, 2007 at 6:30PM
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moodyblue(8)

Tammy, I am deeply sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences on behalf of your daughter and family and yourself. Try and think of some special things to do for yourself and your daughter that will bring a little pleasure - a new rose bush, for sure and maybe a nice pic-me-up new outfit or something personal. One cannot change this very sad event, but a little indulgence sometimes helps. This may sound like an odd suggestion, but somebody I knew who had been to grief counselling was advised to do this and I remembered. When my mum passed away in England a few years' ago as an only child, I had to look after all her assets and sell up her home etc. It was very difficult but I remembered this from my friend and one day I took myself over to Liverpool saw a most gorgeous pink jacket made from silk and linen, more money than I had ever spent on anything like that - I fell in love with it, it fitted my small frame perfectly, and it was my mum's favourite company that made the jacket, but I knew she would never pay full price, I did, as I knew I would never see it again. I felt good in it, I can dress it up or dress it down, I wear it a lot, though it is dry-cleanable, it does not matter, I get a lot of pleasure out of it, and I thank my mum. :smile

All the very best,
Hugs
Pauline - Vancouver Island.

    Bookmark   June 21, 2007 at 7:14PM
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onewheeler(Z5 N.S.)

Tammy I rarely get here to read a post anymore but seeing something like this breaks my heart, I am so sorry for your loss, I wish I could offer some wise words, but at a time like this words fail me. just know that you have folks praying that you and your daughter find some comfort and solace from being here with us. She had a beautiful name, is there a rose named Leah?

Valerie

    Bookmark   June 21, 2007 at 7:46PM
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meredith_e Z7b, Piedmont of NC, 1000' elevation

Dear Tammy, hugs and prayers of peace to you and your daughter. How tragic that a happy time is taken away with so much sadness. I could not imagine your situation, but I know what it is to lose my best friend and mother, and I learned that I could pull through, that time does help greatly, and that the world does still hold happiness later.

I'm so very sorry. Mother Theresa said that God does not give us more than we can handle, and though I couldn't believe that during my mother's death, I do believe now that it is true.

    Bookmark   June 21, 2007 at 9:23PM
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vics_gardenkeeper(7b AL)

I'm very sorry for your loss. It's been six years since that happened to me. Recovery from just the initial grief takes a LONG time--I'm talking months just not to cry around other infants or pregnant women. One of the most hurtful things was having people say "Oh you can have another" (I couldn't) or "maybe it's for the best". I suspect your daughter will get quite a bit of "well at least you have the other two". It also really hurt that my mother, when asked, does not include Vic in the number or names of her grandchildren.

Be very kind to yourself and your daughter and heal on your own time and in your own way. Perhaps you could plant a rose in her memory?

    Bookmark   June 22, 2007 at 3:58PM
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jennbenn(z7b)

Tammy,
I am so so sorry to read this post. My deepest sympathies to you, your daughter and all family. How terrible and devastating. I am truely sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your family.
Jennifer

    Bookmark   June 22, 2007 at 4:54PM
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susaninthegarden

I am sorry this has happened to your family. We had a stillborn son a long long time ago in 1975. Things like this will bring back the tears even now.
To be honest about this I would never want the grief to just go away even over time. This son was a loved part of our family and always will be. He is unique and loved for it. No other can take his place.
That said, it does get easier and you will reconcile yourselves to it.
The main thing I would hope for your family is that you allow yourselves to grieve. I was glad to see your daughter held her child because that will give her comfort in the years to come.
I wish you and your family well.

    Bookmark   June 22, 2007 at 6:19PM
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sammy zone 7 Tulsa

Tammy, I am sorry to hear about this. I did not look at this post before because I thought it was more of a rose post, and I was busy.

This is so sad. I also recognize the fact that holding the baby was a good thing, and she has you. Good luck to you all.

Sammy

    Bookmark   June 24, 2007 at 11:50AM
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cajunrosegal(10 south florida)

My heart goes out to you and your daughter, losing a child is a hard blow. Im so sorry for your loss. May your roses bloom extra hard with the tears that you shed. I agree with planting a rose as a memorial for your grandaughter.
With much love and prayers,
Angela

    Bookmark   June 27, 2007 at 10:56AM
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mjsee(Zone 7b, NC)

Tammy--

I am so sorry for you loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

melanie

    Bookmark   June 27, 2007 at 11:01AM
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kathwhit(z8, West OR)

So sorry Tammy. I can't imagine what your daughter and your family and you must be going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Kathy

    Bookmark   June 27, 2007 at 2:08PM
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