The answer about the house.

rob333November 12, 2009

I officially canÂt keep the house. Every avenue is completely exhausted. ItÂs like when someone you love is really ill and you know they will die, but it still hurts when they actually do. Neither do I have a home nor hope now. The straw that broke the credit's back. The hole is officially dug. This isn't one that'll take me weeks or months of hunkering down and not something I caused, so I'm pretty upset.

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((((((Consider this a HUGE hug.)))))) So sorry.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 11:47AM
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I will consider that and thank you! I appreciate it.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 1:39PM
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jazmynsmom(Z5 Madison-ish)

I'm sorry. ((((((Robin))))))

Eventually you will have a clean start. Eventually you will have some semblance of control over your life.

The only thing you can control in this (crappy) situation is your reaction. Mourn thoroughly and move on. You're a step closer to the life you really want, even though it REALLY can't feel so at the moment.

I'm sorry you lost this battle, despite your superhuman effort. It sucks rocks.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 1:59PM
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Thanks Michelle! Allowing myself to feel what I felt (losing and it sucking rocks) when I felt it (not denying it!), and since I knew it was coming, by acknowledging what I felt, I'm already dusting myself off. I at least have my answer. I know to finish packing boxes and cleaning floors, to sand the ceiling and paint the last of the tidbits. I will not lose the war. Will not. If it takes me years, I will win.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 2:06PM
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Robin, I'm sorry. If this had happened just a couple of years ago, before the banks were running scared, you'd have had that house.

Having renovated more than a couple myself, I know they become like a baby when you bring them back to a new life. There isn't a square foot in it you haven't touched, mended, cleaned or painted.

When I got my first divorce, I walked away from our first home. Just signed it over, and walked out with my kids, my clothes and my car and knew in my heart I got the better part of the deal. In the grand scheme of things, years down the road, some things are just worth folding and walking away from.

You have your new degree. You have a job. You have your precious child and you have a future. It might not be fair, but in the short term life doesn't always seem fair. It evens out in the long haul. I know you well enough to know you'll be fine and as trite as it sounds, when one door closes another one always opens up.

Hugs here too.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 2:23PM
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Robin, hugs are coming from me, too.

(((((((((Robin and LF, too))))))))

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 3:08PM
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y'all are the best. I knew you'd be nice. And I figured you might want to know the ending. Oddly enough, I haven't been hugged in a blue million year??? But in the last week I've been hugged by new friends, old friends, former enemies, and now even cyberhugged! I've lost count of how many it is, but I sure have loved it. Guess things come just when you need them the most. :)

I know I know. I was saying the only things worse right now are if I was in jail or if LF was sick. God forbid! I would so love for it only to be a ground up thing. It's an out of the really deep hole thing. I wanted flat ground, was that too much to ask?! I know it'll get better, I just hate the "no ending in sight thing". And I know, I know on that one too. I need to trust. Oddly enough, my lawyer thinks like I do and we both have already moved on, planning our next part of the attack.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 3:17PM
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Add me to the cyber group who are squishing you right now. Life can throw so many curves and even though right now you want to scream and probably commit murder,you'll get past all this crapola because you are you.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 3:56PM
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tisha_(z7 OKC)

(((Hugs to you from me too))) I don't know the situation, but I'm still thinking about you and wishing you the best from here on out.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 5:43PM
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A big hug from me too!
In a bit of time, when ALL the dust settles, (I don't know how long, for each of us it is different)I know you will arrive at the peaceful place that I have, and many before us.

Whatever is a cruel wrong,
Whatever is unjust,
The honest years that speed along
Will trample in the dust...
-- Ella Wheeler Wilcox, It All Will Come Out Right.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 7:49PM
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Many hugs for you and LF too. I am so sorry that all you hard work has not been rewarded. From now on things are going to move upward, believe it and it will happen. We all help you believing.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 8:04PM
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(((Hugs to you and LF)))

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 8:06PM
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Robin, I just checked in because I'm frozen through from this bloomin' Nor'easter we're almost zap in the center of---it's been going on for DAYS---------anyhow, I have hot tea and that helps.
I saw this post and haven't a clue as to what led up to the sadness of your present situation, but I just want to add my support, also!
Life can come at you from the oddest directions and sometimes what makes the difference in sinking or swimming, is having your situation recognized and acknowledged by others who truly care.
You are a smart young woman and I haven't the slightest doubt you will be able to survive this and come out stronger for it, with new possibilities coming into your life quickly.
You bounce well when you get hit---I remember that from 'waaaay back---so you hang in there and use all that gusto that is partly family genes and partly your hard-earned life history.
I'm thinking of you and saying little prayers on your behalf. (Are we allowed to say anything about praying here, still? I truly don't know..)

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 8:32PM
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I appreciate your kind words. And yes Kathy, I appreciate prayer. Not being able to say you pray would be blocking your right to free speech. Telling others to pray might be out of line, but you have your rights. I'll take all the prayer I can get, I know I need it!

For those who don't know: It's an ugly divorce with the house as my last remnant of a stable life for my little guy. He's lost his dad, has to put up with another woman and her rotten kids (2 out 3. The boys are lost without their dad or seem to be. They're much much bigger than LF, but have been known to pummel him. The older is beginning to get lost in drugs right now. As a matter of fact, I pray for that family; they need it.), lost his lifestyle of going out to eat and seeing movies (loss of income), may lose his school/current friends if we have to move out of the district, lost his mom while she spent every second on fixing the house Ed left demolished (even though he promised to work on for an additional three or four months), and since I was working on the house we never went anywhere. The house was the last shred of keeping all the physical things together. LF is much more settled and happier since Ed left, but that doesn't mean he doesn't miss him. Me too. Then he reminds of his ugly attitude. And we're glad he's not daily trampling on our feelings any more.

I am ready to stop the bleeding and start the healing, but it just doesn't ever seem to stop. We still have mediation and court left. And court again once the dust settles and his income changes.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 10:11AM
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Rob, I may have my quotes confused, but there's one that says--I think--that "living well is the best revenge". It may take awhile, but you and LF are going to "live well" as you go forward with your lives.

P.S. You're in my prayers, too. :>)

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 1:33PM
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Rob, I'm not judging you because I don't know the details but there is just one sentence I find disturbing and that was " planning our next part of the attack." It is right that you and your attorney look to your child's best interest. It should be you and your spouse's primary goal. I'm surprised that the court wouldn't take that into consideration when and where housing is concerned. In my state, the family home may be kept intact, and both parties may have to contribute to its upkeep to do so, like it or not.

It's very difficult to ever come to some sort of working arrangement if every situation is regarded as a battle with someone 'winning' and someone 'losing'. There is always that temptation to one-up-manship and the only winner is the attorney's pocketbook. I've heard it said, that an equitable divorce happens when both parties feel like the other won. LOL. Found it to be true, for the most part.

I sincerely hope you can maintain a situation where you can heal. I had major, major issues with my first divorce, but managed to hold the line on letting my kids witness my opinions, or any of my family or friends. If that ever happens, they get very confused about loyalties and things they assumed were safe and forever. When they get older, they learn for themselves the whys of divorce and you often don't need to divulge the reasons unless they ask, and then as kindly as possible. The only exception is where their safety is concerned. That was cut in stone.

Getting off my soapbox........but like mwheel says living well is the best revenge. You have arrived when your ex never even enters your mind until somebody jogs your memory.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 2:32PM
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attack of the debt/problem resolution.

Ed is still my friend. :)

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 4:49PM
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Whew, keep on keeping on, Rob.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 5:07PM
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((((HUGS)))))) from me Robin.
I am so sorry about the house, I know you really
wanted to keep it for you and LF.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 8:20PM
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((((((Robin)))))) ((((((LF))))))

I'm so sorry. Move on, Robin, move on in good heart and good health.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 11:59PM
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All shall be well.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2009 at 8:59AM
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There always will be a home for you and LF, maybe not this one, but once you move on you shall find all sorts of avenues ahead, try not to feel so stuck in a corner and, all will be well. I know it's easy to say from where I am now, but believe me, I had my share of sudden turns in life.
Hang in there, girl.
Like the child who got a pile of horse-pucky for Christmas, keep faith that there is a pony in there somewhere, just keep looking!

    Bookmark   November 14, 2009 at 9:32AM
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Like the child who got a pile of horse-pucky for Christmas, keep faith that there is a pony in there somewhere, just keep looking!

Got my first belly-laugh of the day from that one Lilo. When people get to be our ages, they can look at life and see that so clearly. My mother never got rattled. DD and I used to be amazed at how confident she was things would be fine after dust settled. And, she was always right.

It isn't so much about circumstances, than the people it's happening too. I don't like the label 'survivor' but it's appropriate. Some people just fall into that category, and I think Robin is one.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2009 at 10:51AM
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With all due respect to stability...

A single mom with a job and a kid to raise can have a house with all the repair, maintenance, costs, heat, cool, funiture, appliances...yes.

But truly, your priorities are your son, and yourself, cause its all on your shoulders.

Home is not an address. It is a state of tranquility and welcome.

Assuming ex is forcing the sale of house, will you have part or all of proceeds? Enough for a down payment in a condo that you can manage, and watch out for maintenance fees there. Enough for a duplex you can maintain and rent half out? Is sale immediate? Market not good, can you hang on for best price?

All those skills you've honed on updating the house might save you a bundle on a duplex that needs fixing up. They will be invaluable to you the rest of your life.

Is there joint custody, is exposure to step siblings a must every week, or is there summer/holiday dibs... a couple of days a week would be easier for you to counter if they are unpleasant... is the drug use enough to justify special court attention to minimize his exposure to it? Even if you ask that the father spend time with him away from the older boy? Quite simply, you cannot risk the older boy will demand your son's participation.

Most likely until your son is out of college, your mind/heart/energy will and should be directed to the health and welbeing of each of you. You don't need financial worry or the drudgery of home ownership. Perhaps smaller, less demanding living quarters is
a way to deal with all that is on your back, all that may come. A blessing in disguise.

All the best......

    Bookmark   November 15, 2009 at 11:06AM
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Robin, I am so impressed by the depth of caring, sharing, compassion, advice, and good wishes for you and LF that have been written on this post. The Garden Party and its members are truly great folks. I'm sure you feel that way, too.

    Bookmark   November 15, 2009 at 1:12PM
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Yes, I do know how much they love me and LF. They've shown it every way possible. LF is my first priority and he'll have a home with me no matter what.

"Assuming ex is forcing the sale of house, will you have part or all of proceeds? Enough for a down payment in a condo that you can manage, and watch out for maintenance fees there. Enough for a duplex you can maintain and rent half out? Is sale immediate? Market not good, can you hang on for best price?"

That's really what this is all about. I can't keep the house because it can't be underwritten in my name alone, I don't "make enough money" yet. I will once there is child support. So the house MUST sell. The bank wants its money now. We are down to A) sell with a loss (which kills my chances for a new house because of 1) the hit to my credit and 2) the additional debt (instead of profit), so no down payment) or B) let them foreclose, which I would never let happen. I'd work six jobs if I had to to avoid that one! I'm left with only with crappy options. Rent or rent. And rent here is as much as a house payment, so I'll be renting until it's off my credit and I've paid off debt. There is no silver lining to this one except that I won't have to remodel any more.

As to the other side of the homes, all I will say is, we are watching players very closely. If/when something happens, depending upon the severity, he'll get yanked. Not until then. He's hanging and enjoying what he can from it. He's getting a taste of siblings, and for that I am grateful. It's funny because he'll complain about how this or that goes and I'll say, but that's what having a brother is like, you have someone to play with, but they bug the crap outta ya! It's lost its glamour. Heh. He gets to stay up late there and for that we are both grateful. He wants to do that at my house, but I have the school nights and every other weekend. So he comes home exhausted from staying up all weekend long and then sleeps during the week for me. The rest of it leaves us baffled and frustrated, but we know the reality of what it is and we're dealing. I do mean both LF and me. It is what is, not to be trite, but that is what it boils down to.

    Bookmark   November 16, 2009 at 9:04AM
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One more try.....

Go down to the county office where property taxes are computed, and find out if your house has suffered a downward
appraisal... My SIL's house in a suburb of Atlanta has, and its already on the tax bill.. $30k less than she paid 2 years ago.

That may make some difference in what is to be financed, what is equity, and what will be realized if its sold.

Also, find a sympathetic realtor who will try to help you get an FHA loan. I know, frought with problems and delays,
but they may consider CS in the app, and may not penalize you for being a single parent with one job.

If rent is the same as a housepayment, you expect to make one, so you may be able to make another.

Finally.... talk turkey with the bank. They are not going to get money out of a turnip, and most banks have enough foreclosures and near foreclosures, someone who wants to stay in the house and make the payments ought to look pretty good to them. Even if you listed it today, it might not sell for several months. They got a sure thing in hand as opposed to the uncertain market if they insist it be sold.

I still would recommend something smaller - but at least if you were able to keep the house, you would move at your speed and not someone else's.

There were some programs out there to help homeowners who were in 'trouble' - it amounted to re-writing the loan for smaller interest, smaller payments, and tacking the missed payments onto the end of the contract... which, on a 20 or 30 year mortgage, lots of folks don't expect to ever see in the same house anyway.

A good sympathetic realtor might know which banks would be
willing to help a home-owner...

Again... all the best.

    Bookmark   November 16, 2009 at 8:37PM
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How About Habitat for Humanity, Robin?
Check into that.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2009 at 12:08AM
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Shilty, that's exactly, to a tee, what I did. After the appraisal (where I could show it appreciated instead of deflated in this market because of what I'd done to it! Go me!), after the FHA stuff, after talking turkey, after all of it, there is no way to do it. As a matter of fact, FHA is the one saying no. The bank loan officer was the one trying for the past few weeks (or is it months at this point?). I was down to making it through the official underwriting and it hit FHA. Sucks eggs big time. Great minds think alike! Your speech is even what I pitched, "Not only are you making money off of me, you're house is better because of me. Don't you want me to stay?!" And he fought hard. Go John! Can't fight the government on this one and I am too tired to continue fighting.

Janis, I am crying. You are the first light at the end of the tunnel. I could have my own house shorter than three years, probably. And LF could see volunteerism at its finest. That's an organization I actually give my dollars to, but now I can give back physically! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Bookmark   November 17, 2009 at 8:41AM
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Habitat won't work. I make too much money. Oh well. At least I could hope for the first time in a long time. That felt good! I still love you Janis!

    Bookmark   November 17, 2009 at 8:45AM
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Now I know you're gonna land on your feet.

It took guts to beard the lion, plead your own case, make sense in a senseless field - jerking folks out of homes that can't sell.

So you now know you can do the hard things...

You've got a job, a great kid, a good head on your shoulders, and you got the best sounding board in the country...

All things are possible....

    Bookmark   November 17, 2009 at 8:49AM
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Robin, I am sorry about the HFH not being an option for you.
Don't give up though. Don't you ever give up.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2009 at 4:17PM
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the BEST sounding board... in the universe. I know it, never once do I take it for granted. Y'all are the bestest ever!

I am not giving up until they pry my fingers from the keys to the font door. I just tried to take my appraisal to another bank, and offered a co-signer and/or my 403b (retirement) as a sacrifice. Maybe I have some fight in me yet. I won't be any worse off, even if they say no. I've heard that one!

    Bookmark   November 17, 2009 at 5:10PM
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meldy_nva(z6b VA)

I was wondering how many banks/mortgage brokers you had tried. My first house was financed in a bank located in a town 35 miles away.

I guess I've missed some threads because I'm not understanding the need for re?/financing. Is putting the house in your name only part of the Division? If not, can the dual names be kept (with lots of legal binding) until your finances match bankers' expectations?

I do understand the rent/own difficulty - same in my area, in 99% of the available housing, it's actually less expensive to buy than to rent.

Anyway, hugs from me; I know that you'll get it all worked out eventually.

    Bookmark   November 19, 2009 at 1:38PM
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I don't have any suggestions or solutions for you, Robin, but I'm sending a whole lot of empathy and positive karma your way. I just know you'll make it somehow. (((Robin and LF)))

    Bookmark   November 24, 2009 at 4:53PM
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Y'all are the best. I am looking back over old threads and found this one. It's been a long hard road, and y'all were there at bottom. I'm moving up and on with life, but to have had you hold my hand, hug me, and offer very sound advice both for the physical and emotional needs, well I just can't say how much that helped me. I love you all so much cyberfamily! You overwhelm me.

    Bookmark   August 22, 2012 at 2:20PM
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I remember when bankers were human beings. Now-a-days, the orders come from on-high and exemptions seldom are made. We hear so many horror stories of people trying to save their home, and the banks not giving an inch.

If indeed there are winners and losers, you are the winner. You have come through this (so far) and have kept your integrity intact.

Your son is watching and learning. I will bet that he knows how hard you are fighting to give him a stable home and the depth of your love for him.

    Bookmark   August 22, 2012 at 5:26PM
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Reading these posts I realize that you've done really good in your situation.

    Bookmark   August 22, 2012 at 7:50PM
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rob, I'll start where the posts ended. You've done very well since the old post. Enjoy your new normal.

    Bookmark   February 10, 2015 at 4:51PM
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Yeah, I realized that. But really, it was so good to see Marda, Susie, and so so so many others who got me through until I got here. Y'all are the best!

    Bookmark   February 10, 2015 at 6:02PM
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