Bad Humor to Make You Groan

harryshoe zone6 eastern PennsylvaniaSeptember 14, 2007

Because there has been so much bad humor on this Forum of late, I am submitting this in hopes that by hitting the bottom of the barrel, I can put an end to it forever.

I apologize in advance.

The Art Thief

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre museum. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, the art thief replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this. Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse.

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labrea_gw

Harry have you been snorting Merit?
How many performance artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?....I don't know I can't find anyone who stayed for the whole thing either!
What did the 2 performace artits say when they walked into the bar........Ouch!
Yadda yadda blah! I guess we can't bring back what used to be and probably have to go though this faze! Manny of the old posters won't post on here anymore they've given up! Or ocasionally come in for a pot shot!

    Bookmark   September 14, 2007 at 10:11AM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

well said Joe
Harry, that is funny!
What happened to this place, remember the caring and sharing, oh well

    Bookmark   September 14, 2007 at 10:50AM
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trishaw(Z7 Upper SC)

Maybe it is just me, but I look forward to all these bad jokes. Gives me a giggle in the middle of the day when I need it most.

Trish

    Bookmark   September 14, 2007 at 12:45PM
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dublinbay z6 (KS)

Harryshoe--you're right. Groan!!!!

I never remember the good ol' days as being the good ol' days. Must be a matter of temperament.

Besides, as several earlier posters found out to their dismay, a public forum is not a place for private sorrows--unless you don't mind the whole world listening in.

A little levity--why not?

Kate

    Bookmark   September 14, 2007 at 2:49PM
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kathy9norcal

Sometimes the bad jokes are the funniest to me. I love the Art Thief!
Kathy

    Bookmark   September 14, 2007 at 3:24PM
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meredith_e Z7b, Piedmont of NC, 1000' elevation

I like it, Harry. I'm easily amused, I admit.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2007 at 7:33PM
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moodyblue(8)

..........groan!!! teehee!!
Pauline

    Bookmark   September 15, 2007 at 12:10AM
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bettym_grow

I agree with Trisha, I enjoy the funny jokes, please don't stop posting them.

Betty

    Bookmark   September 15, 2007 at 9:54AM
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zeffyrose_pa6b7(6b7)

Keep the jokes coming----I need all the laughter I can get-

I enjoyed this one----HA HA --

Florence

    Bookmark   September 15, 2007 at 10:15AM
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labrea_gw

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe ...
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

    Bookmark   September 15, 2007 at 3:05PM
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labrea_gw

AAUt Cora at the Doctors...It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine!"

    Bookmark   September 15, 2007 at 3:07PM
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labrea_gw

A man enters a barber shop for a shave
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

    Bookmark   September 15, 2007 at 3:10PM
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labrea_gw

How do you know policemen are strong?
Because they can hold up traffic.

What do termites eat for breakfast?
Oakmeal.

What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard. (It's good for a hot dog.)

What do you give a sick budgie?

Tweetment

    Bookmark   September 15, 2007 at 3:16PM
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meredith_e Z7b, Piedmont of NC, 1000' elevation

Bwahahaha!

OK these are really bad, but see I am amused. Easy, I tell you!

    Bookmark   September 15, 2007 at 5:18PM
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youngquinn_gw

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND EVERY
YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, "I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50
DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID "ESTHER
I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET
ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS
50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, "FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL
I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE
ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE
WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS".

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT.

THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANOEUVRES, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD.
HE DID HIS DARE DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A
WORD. WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO
MORRIS AND SAID "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL
OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL
OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

    Bookmark   September 15, 2007 at 7:17PM
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labrea_gw

Pam gets points

    Bookmark   September 15, 2007 at 7:22PM
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youngquinn_gw

Dont encourage me ! LOL

A man walks into a bakery with a fish under his arm and asks "Do you have any fish cakes?"
"Sorry sir, we've sold right out"

"That's a shame, it was his birthday!"

    Bookmark   September 15, 2007 at 8:45PM
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meredith_e Z7b, Piedmont of NC, 1000' elevation

That's my favorite :)

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

    Bookmark   September 16, 2007 at 2:09AM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

Pam, I like yours a lot! I'll have to look up or think of some

Carla

    Bookmark   September 16, 2007 at 9:07AM
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pete41(9ab FL.)

That is a classic,Mere.One of the best.lol

    Bookmark   September 16, 2007 at 9:53AM
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labrea_gw

Heard to0 many times at too many family gatherings but here goes
It's an gentlemans first day at a Nursing Home he's settleing in and he hears this shreiking SuperSex SuperSex Supersex. Later again he hears a repeat and a commotion and still later he's awakened by another resident at his bedisde raising and lowering her nightgown screaming supersex! He paused for a moment "I'll have the soup"

    Bookmark   September 16, 2007 at 10:58AM
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dublinbay z6 (KS)

Meredith--you are disqualified. That joke was funny. This thread is for BAD JOKES--the groaner kind.

Heehee (just kidding--post away!)

Kate

    Bookmark   September 16, 2007 at 11:56AM
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harryshoe zone6 eastern Pennsylvania

GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAN!

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 7:09AM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

>> LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
>>
>> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
>> report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
>> explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo,
>> the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
>> cried.
>> The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the
>> way."
>> A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard."
>> He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
>> ____________________________________________________________
>>
>> FAMILY
>>
>> Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
>> together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in
>> and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of
>> the bath?"
>> The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up
>> and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs
>> or down?"
>> The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having
>> tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope
>> I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come
>> up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
>> _________________________________________________!
>> _______ ________________
>>
>> "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
>> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing
>> golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
>> "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
>> And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a
>> beer."
>>
>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________________________________
>>
>> OLD FRIENDS:
>>
>> Two elderly ladies ha d been friends for many decades.
>> Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
>> Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week
>> to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
>> other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends
>> for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
>> thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
>> Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she
>> just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need
>> to know?"
>>
>> _______________________________________________________________________
>>
>> SENIOR DRIVING
>>
>> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his
>> car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning
>> him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
>> wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
>> "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
>> hundreds of them!"
>>
>> _______________________________________________________________________
>>
>> DRIVING
>>
>> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
>> could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
>> came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on
>> through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
>> losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a
>> few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was
>> red again. Again, they went right through The woman in the passenger
>> seat wa s almost sure that the light had been red but was really
>> concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next
>> intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
>> So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that
>> we just ran through th! ree red lights in a row? You could have killed
>> us both!"
>> Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?
>

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 8:47AM
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kathwhit(z8, West OR)

Oh these are good! I mean Bad! Thanks and post some more!
Kathy

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 1:04PM
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harryshoe zone6 eastern Pennsylvania

Ya know Carla, some of us elderly types could be offended...

Did you even think of Pete's feelings when you posted?

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 3:43PM
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labrea_gw

SOFTSHELL YANKEE CRAB always full of bad humor flees garden after telling some of these Jokes

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 4:54PM
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pete41(9ab FL.)

Harry-they are right on.
A late 80s couple down the street.
He had his license pulled and can't drive.[can't see and scuttles like a crab]
she had a problem so he drove her to the hospital.These old people are so afraid that it will cost money or get them in trouble they will drive instead of asking for help.
It's scarey.I watched one take almost 5minutes to back out of a space.
We need a law- the license have to go at a certain age-period.

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 4:55PM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

Harry, my mind is no better than anyone's. I do crazy stuff all the time. Somedays I feel like I should be 80.

Carla

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 5:53PM
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michaelalreadytaken

Speaking of the elderly, there's been a rash of murders of the elderly up here. Victims are typically found lying on the floor of their breakfast nooks with corn flakes and sliced bananas scattered around their bodies.

Police think it's a cereal killer.

MichaelAT

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 9:21PM
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dublinbay z6 (KS)

Double groan!

LOL

Kate

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 9:28PM
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harryshoe zone6 eastern Pennsylvania

After smoking some Manzate granules this morning, I remembered this one:

What does a skeleton order when he goes to a bar?

A beer and a mop.

Hey. Come on. Its no worse than MAT's.

    Bookmark   September 19, 2007 at 7:43AM
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kittymoonbeam

My aunt told these to me when I was a kid and I still remember them

A young man saw a pirate at a diner counter. After some time, he got up his courage and went over and sat beside him. He asked the pirate if he was a real pirate and the pirate replied "Aye" and continued eating his lunch. The young man then asked politely how the pirate got his peg leg. The pirate replied " One time I was swinging between two ships and my leg got crushed. Then I had to have this wooden leg put on." After a few minutes, the youth asked the pirate how he got his hook. "well..." said the pirate, " I was fightin' this duel see, and the hand got clean cut off". Then they sat silently for some time. Finally the young man asked about his patch over his eye. "one day I was climbin' to th' crow's nest.....I looked up and a seagull pooped right in me eye!" the pirate said. "Oh come now!" said the youth in complete disbelief " Surely not!" Then said the pirate regretfully "well I only had the hook 2 weeks...."

A nice young man was complaining to a friend that no girls ever noticed him on the beach. "oh that's easy to fix" the friend said, " just stick a potato in your swimsuit and walk around for a bit." The next day the young man returned to his friend's house in an angry mood. " I did just what you said but everywhere I went, girls just laughed at me!". Then the young man showed the friend how he put the potato in his swimsuit as directed. " No! No! No! cried the friend. " The potato goes in the front!"

    Bookmark   September 19, 2007 at 6:10PM
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ronda_in_carolina

ok, first joke first...

The chili one...never heard it before....almost puked myself.

The woman, husband chair...very funny...also highly probable.

But MATs cereal killer...I thought he was posting something serious so I wasn't thinking of a punch line. Needless to say, I spit Diet Mountain Dew all over my monitor.....lol!!

thanks all!!

Ronda

    Bookmark   September 21, 2007 at 1:24PM
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meredith_e Z7b, Piedmont of NC, 1000' elevation

kittymb, your aunt must be a hoot :)

OK, an obligatory off-color one; no idea where I first heard this and it may be a quote:

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is when you use a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2007 at 1:29PM
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kittymoonbeam

Yes, she always had to tell us a joke the minute she walked in the door. The sisters would laugh in the kitchen and stop abruptly when us kids walked in. We thought she was so naughty.

My granddad lived to be 93. He loved puns. He appreciated humor all his life. How I miss him. He used to tell us about how when he was a kid, he heard newsboys shouting about the sinking of the Titanic and about how people threw rocks and broke the house windows when they had a prohibition sign in the yard. But most of all he used to tell us about the depression and tough times when people got sick or couldn't find work. I think he used humor to balance thoes sad memories. I try to not forget the little things he said and how he would tell a corny joke to anyone who would listen.

    Bookmark   September 23, 2007 at 8:59PM
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cupshaped_roses(6)

An elderly couple was sitting on the sofa the husband reading the newspaper. Suddenly he exclaimed to his wife. Gays can get married now!!! Havent these people suffered enough!!!!???

    Bookmark   September 24, 2007 at 7:45PM
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