I need advice, very sensitive

carla17(Z7 NC)September 17, 2007

My daughter told me one of her friends is having sex with a 26 yr. old. Now, please understand that I'm trying as hard as possible to "get rid" of this friend. This is NOT the type of friend I want my daughter having.We're talking rape here, can't spell the word. Although the girl is willing I assume. I think she bragged about it. (horror here). I am not being judgmental against people here but this is wrong. This girl is 14 yrs. old. I do not want the girl to "take it out" on my daughter but something needs to be done here. To top it off, the guy is this girl's sister's BF. I know this sounds like a soap opera or some back woods behaviour, I was shocked when my daughter told me. Please give me some wisdom here.

Thanks,

Carla

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michelle_co(z5 CO)

It's very wrong. You need to talk to the girl's parents or the police or the school councillor right away. I would think the school councillor would be very appropriate as they handle the situation at a professional level. It isn't really your situation to resolve or be involved in, but you have to report it so the right steps can be taken.

You have every right to be judgemental in this case, don't doubt yourself. When I was a kid (grade school), one of my young friends told me 'a secret' about her family members(teen age) molesting her. I always felt bad about it because I didn't say anything to anyone. Hell, I didn't even understand what she was talking about at the time. But I know now. Her life did not turn out OK. I have to wonder how much of the alcoholism, drug abuse, relationship abuse, and instability she suffers now is because of what started back then.

You have to do something.

Hugs,
Michelle

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 10:02AM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

Michelle, thanks for your words. I know I have to do something but otoh, I don't want to get sued for slander or something like that. I agree, steps need to be taken. I just don't know what. I thought about Social Services. You know the girl could lie and then how would I look?
And I wonder why my stomach hurts most of the time and I can't feel good. I'm dealing with another family situation too, not our direct family but outer relatives. Sigh............

Carla

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 10:09AM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

Michelle, I just wrote an e-mail to a counselor at school.

Carla

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 10:19AM
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michelle_co(z5 CO)

ALL you have to do is tell (whomever you decide to contact) what your daughter told you. You can do that without making any accusations against anyone. And you can ask to remain anonymous.

It's not your job to find out what really happened. If they look into it and find out the girl was lying - that will be the best case situation. The welfare of the child has to come first.

Michelle

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 10:26AM
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michelle_co(z5 CO)

Our email crossed - good for you, Carla. You are doing the right thing.

Michelle

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 10:29AM
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bettym_grow

Carla,

Here is some information, not complete, regarding this type of situation.

Statutory rape (corruption of a minor)differs from other types in that overt force or threat need NOT be present.

By law (statute)any such sexual activity is assumed to be coercive since the minor (14 year old, in this case) is considered by law to be incapable of giving consent to the acts.

Laws vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction but this is still a serious offence.

Just thought you'd be interested,

Betty

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 1:11PM
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taureau

Carla, Thank Goodness your daughter told you about it. She is asking for help, I would give it to her by telling the police, counselor or anyone and have that SOB locked up. Bonne chance Carla and please let us know as the story unfolds. Merci, T

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 3:49PM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

My e-mail to the school counselor was returned. I called the school policeman. I just hope this business stops, this sex.

Carla

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 3:54PM
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morz8(Washington Coast Z8b)

Carla, were you able to talk to the school policeman? (Funny, that's the position my niece holds at a school in Durham NC instead of going back on patrol after having her own baby)

I don't know just what I'd do in your place, I'd probably do the wrong thing, too loudly, with not enough discretion :) But I did want to congratulate you on raising a daughter who would confide this to you about her friend - I'm guessing she did so knowing you would take care of it.

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 4:03PM
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rose_nutty(z4b)

Carla - You have every right to be judgemental in thise case because this is so wrong! Part of what is wrong with our culture, in my opinion, is that we've been brainwashed to just accept everything and not be "judgemental". This is NOT judgemental. I think you have done the exact right thing. I was faced with a similar situation last school year, and I went to the school authorities. They handled it from there - I never did know what was done or not done or how it turned out. That is kinda frustrating, but privacy policies and all that. God bless you for having the guts to step up to the plate and help this girl (even though she may not realize she needs the help).

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 5:47PM
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athenainwi

I think you are doing the right thing. My cousin is in jail right now for taking advantage of several young girls this way. He was working for the school and had relationships with several girls, some of which were not consensual, all the girls were underage. I only wish he had been stopped sooner. Taking advantage of a girl that young is predation, not a relationship.

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 10:58PM
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labrea_gw

Is there any possibility since you said she was "bragging" that it could be just that! Just haven't heard it as an option! A younger sister envious of older sister deal!
Keep your daughter away from her shes trouble and troubled!

    Bookmark   September 18, 2007 at 10:13AM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

Joe, I truly believe they are having sex. This girl is very troubled. She was cutting very badly years ago. I can see how she would be lured in. Her real father works and goes to school and so does her step mother. She has no real guidance and instruction for life.Her 16 yr. old step sister is PREGNANT! The whole family is dysfunctional IMO. This guy spends money on her and gives her attention. I can clealy see that part. Right now my main concern is getting and keeping my daughter AWAY from her.

I appreciate everyone's comments,advice.
Carla

    Bookmark   September 18, 2007 at 10:32AM
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michelle_co(z5 CO)

Did the 26 yr old get the 16 yr old prego??

Michelle

    Bookmark   September 18, 2007 at 2:32PM
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katerosie(7)

I feel your pain ! I'm going through some issues w/ my 13 yr old daughter, who goes to church, calm before the storm - also have a 19 yr old I worry about too but she is trying hard and going to college. I hope you can figure out the best thing to do. I would definitely want to keep my daughter away from that friend. Bless your heart.

Katerose

    Bookmark   September 18, 2007 at 5:29PM
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meredith_e Z7b, Piedmont of NC, 1000' elevation

Hey Carla and hugs...

I think you should talk openly to your daughter about what is wrong with that kind of relationship, even if you think she knows. Let her know that love/sex wrecks with adult minds, much less trying to believe that a relationship of such different folks could be 'real'. Pretend she may see some value in it and go from there.

There is no better defense against these things than having your daughter have a very strong sense of self and of reason/knowledge.

I ran around with folks this troubled and more [a 13 yo with a 33 year old ex-teacher, AAMOF]. I knew we disagreed on many, many things!

I'm not saying not to get her away from this friend, but the best defense is how SHE feels about these things!

Take care!

    Bookmark   September 18, 2007 at 10:25PM
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