I'm worried sick about my daughter !!!

zeffyrose_pa6b7(6b7)November 19, 2007

I just got home from about a week with my precious daughter.

As most of you know, While Robyn was here with me while I was having my hip surgery her DH packed up and moved out--

She was devastated and it has been two months of sorrow and pain.

Robyn is a very loving fragile person and this is destroying her---

Thank goodness my DH is a loving caring man---He was on the phone every night with Robyn while I was over at the Rehab Center------

Her DH was going to leave last year and I talked him out of it and they were both going to the Counselor----supposedly the three of them were supposed to work this out---however he left ---then went to a lawyer----now he is blaming all of it on Robyn--and telling the kids that Robyn went to the lawyer first and is using up all there college funds------She never would have consulted a lawyer first but that is what he is telling the kids---

My daughter does not want a divorce and she has been crying for two months---

I thought she was better last week but then she had surgery and a biopsy and the lawyer had her upset-----then there was a problem at school (long story) but this has broken her again--

I am so worried about her and trying to stay strong for her sake--

I'm a reasonable person and if my SIL felt he needed to separate for a while I could understand that but I think he should have picked a different time---not when my daughter was here and worried about me---

The live almost two hours away and it is horrible to hear the pain in her voice---even when I was there with her many times I could not get her to stop sobbing------she had surgery on her eyes and the tears were streaming down her face-------just horrible----

I would love to hear any suggestions you have for dealing with this very upsetting situation.

It is going to be a very sad Thanksgiving-----it will be difficult to keep a smile on my face but I know I have to do it for the rest of the family---

PLease pray for us------we really need it

Love and Thanks---Florence



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aprille(z9 CA bay area)

Dear Florence,
I'm so sorry to hear about the pain your daughter and you are going through. I have no words of advice, but you are both in my prayers.


    Bookmark   November 19, 2007 at 12:37PM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

Love to you Florence. I'm worried about my daughter too, but it's a different situation. Ours is medical. It is hard being a mother.
Peace in your heart.


    Bookmark   November 19, 2007 at 1:11PM
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harryshoe zone6 eastern Pennsylvania

If she is anything like her mom, its hard to understand why any guy would leave her.

We can all offer advice, but with children involved, there just isn't any answer. Some guys just can't deal with the restrictions of a family. All you can do is keep reminding your daughter that she is not alone.

    Bookmark   November 19, 2007 at 1:39PM
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kathwhit(z8, West OR)

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter's situation. I am wondering if she is still seeing her counselor. Even though it is a horrible situation, it sounds like she is having a severe reaction, and I worry about her mental health. It is wonderful that you and your husband are there for her, but a proffessional can sometimes offer more concrete solutions, and she may need medical intervention. My prayers are with you all.
Kathy W.

    Bookmark   November 19, 2007 at 2:09PM
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Florence, the main things I know about pain are that accepting it and feeling whatever you feel helps it end sooner than resisting it or adding anxiety to how you feel. I hope this is not destroying her...does she say it is? Maybe it seems like it is, but is very intense sadness that is healthy and understandable. I think it's important to not internalize someone's rejection as if you deserve it. A person's rejection can be all about them, not you. Going through awful things can end up causing us to grow and learn new things and end up stronger and wiser. Keep sight of the good that may come of it. Somehow she may pick up on your belief that it'll all work out. Her tears may be hard to bear but it's better to let them out than bottle them up or have nobody who will care enough to be there in a painful time. My best wishes to her.

    Bookmark   November 19, 2007 at 6:55PM
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Florence, really sorry to read this.. I know all too well what this will do to the kids. How old are they?

I have a great lawyer in Burlington County, if it's close to where your daughter lives. I've never lost yet, have used him on two ex's.

Very sad that he did this when he did. Guess it would have killed him to stay. You know how Jen Aniston said Brad was missing a sensitivity chip? Well, it applies here too. What a jerk.

It's no secret the effects of divorce my daughter suffered. I posted here for years trying to figure out a diagnosis if you remember... Had to be about 5 / 6 years ago. Anyway, there was verbal abuse that turned physical. He punched me one day, that was it. I was already sleeping on the couch for a few years and had enough.

He was bitter that I had him removed from the house. My daughter was maybe 5 at the time. He'd tell her all sorts of stories, the I never hit your mother she's lying stuff. He told her I was cheating on him. There was one day he returned her to me, took her to the beach, he threw a bucket of shells at me. I called the cops. My daughter saw the whole thing but lied to the cop. A few years later she said she was sorry for lying.

Needless to say, with him telling her all sorts of stuff she had problems. During that time I researched, IIRC little mother syndrome & ODD (Oppositional defiant disorder). She refused to speak to a counselor. I've looked back and wished I'd tried harder. Money wasn't there.

Supervised visitation will also help. Have your daughter ask for it. He won't be able to bad mouth her if there is someone in the room with them.

If you need any info, you know my email.. I'm not great with replies some days, I know I have one from Carla that is buried. I have a bunch of message boards I go to, plus busy changing my email addy all over since we'll move in a few months. Not sure I mentioned it here but my hubby fell & has all sorts of fractures so we've also been busy with doctors.. email some days is the least of my worries.. now my daughter fractured her arm on top of it. Gonna be an interesting holiday to say the least.

Feel better. Good luck to your daughter

    Bookmark   November 20, 2007 at 7:39AM
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sounds like he's in love, maybe with another woman, definitely with himself.

Your daughter's had a great deal of stress & misery already, time to cut bait.

If she hasn't done it already, she needs to secure whatever assets she can & to get to an attorney pronto.

I wish both of you the best.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2007 at 8:59AM
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...sorry, didn't mean it to sound cold.

I've been there & done that & held the hands of friends & co-workers when they've gone through it, & all the love & compassion in the world won't make any difference to this guy;

he's moved on, & the way many women continue to get hurt even worse is that they/we keep thinking that the other person still cares for us, that it's about a relationship, & that it can be fixed.

Life does go on, & when you're not stressed & anxious over something like this, it does get better.

Again, I wish both of you the best.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2007 at 11:31AM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

I agree with Slyvia that a lawyer is the first priority. I hope in time she will be stronger and survive this stressful part of her life.


    Bookmark   November 20, 2007 at 11:44AM
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Florence, I'm wondering if her surgery and this stress has caused her to have an imbalance of chemicals? She may be depressed. Has she seen her doctor for a workup?

I hope she recovers soon. I know you are scared.

    Bookmark   November 22, 2007 at 9:12AM
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onewheeler(Z5 N.S.)

Florence I am still praying for you and yours. I hope this Thanksgiving Day has given you all an opportunity to join together as family and draw strength from each other, that this day signals the begining of a happy time in your lives, that the hard parts are over for you all.

Bless you dear friend, I wish there was more that I could do for you, just know that your prayers are being said and soon this will all be over and life will be good again.

Gentle hugs.


    Bookmark   November 22, 2007 at 6:30PM
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celeste(zone 4 NH)

dearest Florence....
I am so very sorry for the anguish you and your daughter are going through. I wish a word could wipe away all the tears and the pain. I don't know how else to get through
the great heartaches of life any other way than to let the feelings out, grieve, then pick up the pieces and go on with life with each other's support. Even though you are a few hours away, she has a terrific mother & stepfather who will make her feel loved & supported at a time when she feels so low and rejected. I have been in her shoes myself 11 yrs. ago (with 3 little kids) and I had to go through all the stages of shock, grief, anger, betrayal, utter desperation, and loneliness. It all felt so hopeless back then that I remember not wanting to live, but my kids needed me so I had to stop wallowing in self-pity. It seemed as if it would never get better, but in time it did. Somehow we find the strength within ourselves to move past the hurt and one day it doesn't hurt so much anymore. It will take time, and 2 months later it is still raw and fresh to her. Even to this day I have spells where I feel anger towards my ex for walking out of his children's lives like he did....they were so young and had to be raised without a father. I never considered myself a strong person before that happened and didn't see myself ever having the strength to go on, and raise those kids alone. But I did...and my children reinforce all the time that I was an excellent mother and father to them. Please tell your dear Robyn that so many
of us do understand what she is feeling, and that she too
will survive this....we are all praying for her.

I have had quite a difficult week myself and this Thanksgiving Day I find myself without my beloved daughter Grace. That lying, deceitful boyfriend convinced (brainwashed) Gracie to drive all the way to the southern
part of Florida by herself 1,600 miles....she left yesterday and drove all day and night and into today...I just got a call from her this evening that she had made it there safely. My heart is broken. I haven't stopped crying. You will recall my long post about how I desperately tried to save her from this con-artist and how she had broken it off with him....or so it seemed. But
he convinced her to quit her job and leave the family & friends who love her to move to FL...this was my greatest fear and now it has come true.

So here we are, two loving mothers, worried sick about our daughters on Thanksgiving Day. If I could reach across the miles and give you a hug, I most certainly would. I pray for both our girls, and please know that my heart is with you as well. I understand what it feels like to want to make everything right for our daughters, and of the frustration at not being able to do so.
Lots of love....

    Bookmark   November 22, 2007 at 7:15PM
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Dear friends------You are all so kind and thoughtful---

Your suggestions are so helpful and I will pass them on to my daughter---

So much sadness in this world-----why can't people just be kind to one another------

We had a nice Thanksgiving---My son and DIL and two boys were here-----Robyn's two boys were with us---her 22 year old daughter is being difficult---

One of Robyn's very dear friends from high school stopped in on the way to her mothers---it was a lovely surprise and cheered Robyn and all of us up.


I am heartsick over this latest development with your daughter-----

When I read your last post I got tears in my eyes----it just breaks my heart to hear about these young girls and how they are destroying their lives----

I too wish I could help you with your pain at this time.

I wish I could share some good advice from my vantage point of 77 years 000oooops 78 years but it is sad to say that most people have to make the same mistakes as I did.-----

I will be thinking of you------It was hard enough for you when she was close by but now it is doubly difficult with the distance between you.

I will hold you and Grace in my heart and prayers

Have to keep singing T. Bennet's song--"Smile though your heart is breaking"---

Thanks again--Florence

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 2:53PM
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sammy zone 7 Tulsa

Hi Florence,
Did you receive the email I sent you?

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 4:10PM
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Hi Sammy------I didn't receive any message other than the one replying to my post---

My address is zeffyrose@verizon.net---

Would love to hear from you.


    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 6:10PM
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Florence I am so sorry for your daugher and your whole family. Has she sought any medical help to help her get through this difficult time. I think grieving is a necessary process and she is certainly doing this. Hopefully as time goes on she will sooner than later start to feel better and pick up the pieces.

My thoughts and prayers are still with her and yourself as I am sure you are still in a lot of physical pain after your surgery. Hope you are both feeling much better very soon.
Hugs, Pauline - Vancouver Island

    Bookmark   November 24, 2007 at 12:09AM
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JUst a little update------
Robyn is still hurting but it seems her good days outweigh her bad days which is a good sign-----
I don't understand why her DH is being so mean and uncooperative with problems---after all he is the one who left and ran to a lawyer---

Robyn did have a nice evening with her daughter last night---they attend The Nutcracker which was put on by the Ballet Studio that Melissa attended while she was growing up------Robyn met some old friends and held back the tears till she got home--

Robyn, Melissa and Jared will be attending Christmas Eve Services at church together which makes me feel good---

We have all shed a lot of tears over this situation---It is hard to believe that one man's selfish act can cause so much pain to so many people------

I'm still very worried about my daughter---somedays she sounds so desparate on the phone---

BTW-----I'm still in a lot of pain----will be seeing the Dr. on Tues. ---I've been told the pain can last 6 months--
Still walking with a cane !!!--

Please keep us in your prayers.

Thanks, Florence

    Bookmark   December 2, 2007 at 11:22AM
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Florence, you are such a kind soul and deserve to be happy.
I think the only thing that can help is time. These things are so
hurtful, but time helps in the healing process. In the meantime,
your daughter has to be strong and focus on the kids. They
are the most important thing. She should not let him take their
college funds. I recommend she read self-help books and get
new hobbies and start a class, like learning a new language.
She needs to put her focus elsewhere. He does not deserve
her attention. She needs to be around people who support her.

I wish you and all your family, all the best, Florence.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2007 at 4:56PM
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kathwhit(z8, West OR)

I have been thinking about you. Do you know that I still have the little watercolor that you sent out in your card when we did the card exchange? I hung it in my office and am looking at it now. I am praying that your hip gets better and stronger, and that your daughter finds strength and happiness.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2007 at 1:56PM
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I'm glad you can find time for some happy outings together. Eventually the terrible sadness falls away and your daughter will remember the happy things you did together. It really makes all the difference and I'm glad you have each other. I know your grandkids will be fine with so many family members to love them.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2007 at 8:21AM
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