My daughter is gone........

celeste(zone 4 NH)November 22, 2007

For those of you who read and responded to my post "Heartbroken Mom" I wanted to update you on what happened with my beloved daughter.

It is Thanksgiving Day but I don't feel like celebrating.

I have lost my Gracie to the lies and manipulation of her no-good boyfriend.

She had a sudden change of heart, and just like I feared and many of you warned me, she allowed that thief/con-artist/user boyfriend to brainwash her into quitting her job and moving to Florida (1,600 miles away) to be with him again. She left yesterday and drove all day/night/and all of today to get there with no rest...28 hrs. on the road all by herself. I have been a nervous wreck. I pleaded, begged, cried my heart out, desperately tried to talk sense into her to no avail. My heart is broken in two and the pain is excruciating. Not only did she move so far away, but she is throwing away her future to be with this user. She had a wonderful job w/ great benefits, loving friends, and a family who love her more than life itself. Now all she has is a guy who lies and steals and can't hold a job. When she left yesterday, she came by to say goodbye and I couldn't let go of her....I couldn't bear it. I was sobbing and beside myself with grief. I am at least thankful on this day that she called me every few hours on the road to update me so I wouldn't go crazy with worry and that she called a little while ago to tell me she had made it there safely. She is every bit as loving toward me as she always has been and hugging her tight and then letting her go was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I told her I was wholeheartedly opposed to her decision but since she is 21 I can't stop her... and that I know he has brainwashed her....but that I will always love her, and she can always come home.

I don't know how to live without Gracie. We have always been so close that I thought I could never lose her. Without her, and knowing how she is allowing this man to use her once again, I am devastated.


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paparoseman(z8 WA. PO.)

Celeste, I am so sorry to hear of this. Hopefully he is not abusive in a physical way and at sometime in the future she will wakeup. I know a classmate from high school that went through years of this same type of relationship and thought very poorly of herself as a result of his lies. That is their one strongest way to control, make the subject too weak to leave.

Try to be there for her at all times and be ready to catch her when she wakes up.


    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 1:47AM
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Celeste, if he is the addict that most of us believe he is, she won't be away long. He will steal from her purse, steal her jewelry and anything else she has of value. And it won't be long before he crosses paths with the law. What you couldn't convince her of, he will. You have put a little grain of doubt in her mind and she will be watching for the signs.I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 6:45AM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

Oh Celeste, I am so sorry. You must be going through unimaginable hurt and worry now. Hopefully she will see the light and come back. This is what I pray for you. If you want to talk privately, e-mail me.


    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 10:31AM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

I know I have your e-mail but it's under another name, right? Please write me.


    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 10:34AM
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I have been following this, and I have to tell you how sorry I am....I used to know someone, just like that man...that was 25 years ago, and I am thankful every day, that he is no longer part of my life. She will wake up, it will take time, but she will, and how fortunate she is, to have you waiting to catch her!

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 10:34AM
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opheliathornvt zone 5

My heart is breaking for you. I can't even imagine...

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 10:55AM
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I'm so sorry Celeste.

What Betty said is the truth....he will get thrown in jail sometime soon and I pray she sees the light then.
What part of Florida did she go to? I live in Panama City Florida.
I'll pray everyday for your Gracie...she deserves so much better than him. I'll pray for you too Sweetheart.


    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 12:31PM
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I'm so sorry.

Many times girls/women get into these things, & it seems like they/we are hypnotized or bedazzled or something.

We lose all sense of ourselves & can't see anything but the (astonishingly, jaw-droppingly underserving) beloved.

When she discovers that he's been stealing from her (& he'll do it for a while before she realizes it), she may even think that he just had to do it, poor guy, etc, or that that's just life, there's no one out there any better, she can't get anyone any better.

It's like we kiss a frog, & when he doesn't turn into a prince, we think we've turned into a frog.

Save your money til you have enough to buy her a plane ticket, & be sure to keep your cell phone with you all the time.

It may take a short time or a very long time, but the day usually comes when the girl/woman has had enough, & by that time he's drained all her resources, she's running on her rims...& the guy is just fine, already having lined up a new resource to exploit.

(been there done that paid for everybody's t-shirt.)

When you talk to her, do not mention this guy:
the worst thing you can do is put her in a position where she has to defend her decision or to defend him.

If she mentions him, say, "oh, that's nice" or some such.
& talk about something else.

Keep yourself strong, for your daughter & for yourself.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 12:33PM
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Oh Celeste----I am so sorry to hear this and I know for sure your heart is breaking------My daughter is going through something similar but not quite so drastic with her daughter age 22.---It is such a heartbreak to see your beautiful daughter waste her young life on a loser.

I wish I had some wise words for you but all the folks have already given some good advice----I'm passing a lot of this along to my daughter who is hurting just like you.

My very wise father always used to say----"It is too bad we can't put an old head on young shoulders"------how true this is---

If only I could give all my past experiences to my daughter---it would sure save her a lot of heartache.

I think of you a lot----

Love, Florence

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 1:43PM
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...oops, that should say "undeserving".

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 4:39PM
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Celeste, I have been keeping up with the posts about your daughter, and it seems that a lot of folks here and myself included have had experience with similar situations, either with our daughters or ourselves.

Your posts have truly touched my heart. My 3 daughters each have had experiences with men who used them, two of my girls are happily married, and the oldest daughter had two husbands who abused her, the first physically, and the second she doesn't want anything to do with men.

I pray that your daughter will be able to see through this man and realize what his motives are, and I hope she does it soon..before they marry or have children.

It's so very hard to see our girls in these situations, and my heart is with you.


    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 5:49PM
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Dammit! Celeste, I'm so sorry. This is sad. Hopefully something will change. Quickly.

Many hugs.

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 5:55PM
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onewheeler(Z5 N.S.)

Celeste sometimes life just isn't fair. It is so tough to see our daughters being mistreated when they are old enough to make their own decisions. I guess our own mother's must have had to endure much the same with us when we were venturing out into the world. It is tough, all we can do is hope and pray that things end well. That is what I am doing for you, praying. Take care and God Bless.


    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 7:18PM
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celeste(zone 4 NH)

THANK YOU, all my wonderful, supportive friends. Your words mean so much to me during this difficult time.

Today I am numb. I spent so many hours & days crying, begging her to stay, trying desperately to open up her eyes to the truth, and stressed out with worry that I
just feel empty and exhausted. There is this hole in my heart that will remain until my Gracie comes home. It is
so hard, because everywhere in my home are photos of her, most of them of her & I together, hugging, smiling....the
best of friends. I want to reach into the picture and scoop her up in my arms and hold her tight. The worst
feeling is that all her life I was there to protect her and now there is nothing more I can do.

We never did go on our "girls" weekend we had planned. I never got that opportunity to have her all to myself and I am angry at that loser for robbing me of precious time alone with my girl. Of all the things he stole, taking my
daughter away from me is not something I can easily forgive.

Thank you for all your prayers....they are needed greatly.


    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 10:09PM
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Dear Celeste, you are going to have to let her go. Right now you are the one who is most needy and you need to look after yourself. I think it would be a good idea if you went to see a family counsellor.......I am sure it would help you understand the situation and make you feel better and more able to deal with your feelings. Maybe just one or two session will do the trick. You have done all that you can. I just pray that Grace will soon see the light once and for all. Maybe she does need this time to try it again, but we all know she is making a mistake. Nobody can do anything about that, but Grace herself. I seriously believe that her being left to fend for herself with this guy, will finally lead to her seeing the light on her own. Her trust for him now is going to be questionable and she is bound to pick up on a lot of his tricks - hopefully, very soon.

Please make that appointment!
Good luck dear Celeste, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Pauline - Vancouver Island

    Bookmark   November 23, 2007 at 11:49PM
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veilchen(5b southern Maine)

I am so sorry! But just keep in mind that you have instilled all those good values in Grace, and you have not raised her to be treated wrongly by some jerk. Hopefully sooner rather than later she will wake up and realize she does not deserve to be treated this way. She will.

    Bookmark   November 24, 2007 at 8:23AM
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celeste(zone 4 NH)

Deb, I forgot to answer your question....she is in Port St. Lucie, which unfortunately is very far from where you
are; otherwise I would have asked you to look her up & talk
some sense into her! Thanks for your concern.

    Bookmark   November 24, 2007 at 8:44AM
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thinking of you this morning----I just know your heart is breaking and you feel drained emotionally----
I'm very familiar with that feeling.

My heart is with you,


    Bookmark   November 24, 2007 at 10:45AM
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hoovb zone 9 sunset 23

Bad news. I'm so sorry.

    Bookmark   November 24, 2007 at 12:48PM
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She will wake up, it will take time, but she will, and how fortunate she is, to have you waiting to catch her!

I also agree that she will eventually wake up. My son who I've always been close to has been seeing this girl off and on for almost 4 years. He's the type that doesn't pay his bills when he's with her, then spends money he doesn't have; close to $600 on cell bills or shopping for stuff to comfort himself.

He went back to her this summer & it started. He now doesn't live here since September, but thankfully things aren't working out with her again... I hope he's waking up this time and that he's done.

It was very hard to let him go, trust me. She & I don't get along, so she pretty much made him pick. I told him she wouldn't do it for him.. he's listening finally. Hopefully he'll be moved back in, in a few weeks.

I know your heart is breaking. Take some of the pictures away or you will drive yourself crazy. You have to let her get him out of her system. She may have to spend Christmas (if you celebrate) away from you to realize how miserable she is and how much she misses her family.

    Bookmark   November 24, 2007 at 1:38PM
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Celeste, I did send you an e-mail, but now I see Carla's post earlier on this, so maybe you did not receive it. Please let me know how I can re-send.

Thanks, Pauline

    Bookmark   November 24, 2007 at 11:09PM
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I'm sorry to hear your trouble. I'm wondering if you might find healing or useful tools through Alanon family services or Naranon. The cycle of addiction and those entrapped in it's drama is so painful. I've been there on both ends!

    Bookmark   November 25, 2007 at 1:42AM
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celeste(zone 4 NH)

Pauline....I just sent you an email. Thanks.

Joe....Sorry I didn't get in touch with you last weekend
about visiting NYC and the gardens....things were so hectic here and I did
not get to go on the trip w/ Grace anyway. I do plan on going to both gardens next year, and will look you up then.
I would have enjoyed meeting you.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2007 at 10:54AM
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Celeste, I was sad to see your news. This morning I was on and came across an intriguing book. The blurb may describe your daughter's boyfriend clearly and the book appears to be a good resource for those of us troubled and tormented by people without a conscience. Hope it helps.


Here is a link that might be useful: The Sociopath Next Door

    Bookmark   November 25, 2007 at 1:57PM
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harryshoe zone6 eastern Pennsylvania

I am sorry to hear of this turn of events. At her age, you have to let her go and learn for herself. As mentioned above, stop talking about him when you speak to her. She knows how you feel and continuing will just drive a wedge between you. Now that she has made her decision, let her know you are still there for her. She'll be home soon enough.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2007 at 5:58PM
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diane_nj 6b/7a

Celeste, send me an e-mail, I have the book that Sue mentions.

I have nothing to add but prayers for you and your daughter. Keep your phone line and your door open for her.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2007 at 8:27PM
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You cannot fix this. All you can do now is keep your end of the line of communication open and provide her with a way out (i.e. a non-refundable plane ticket and a promise that she can come home should she change her mind). THAT IS IT.

My advice is to try emotionally distancing yourself from the situation. Your daughter is an adult. She made a dreadful decision but it was her decision to make. Clutching her to your bossom like a child is ridiculous. Stop hounding her about the man. She knows how you feel and will cut you out further if you continue to voice your opinion. You can't save her from the consequences of her actions.


    Bookmark   November 26, 2007 at 9:06AM
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kathwhit(z8, West OR)

Celeste, I am so sorry about your situation. As others have mentioned, I have been in your exact place with my own daughter. And as Patrick said, you have to distance yourself from the situation. Grace is an adult and although you know she made a bad decision, it was hers to make, and sadly, is part of her journey of learning about life. We can't protect our kids from this pain, even though we want to. Leave the door open, but go on with your own life a little at a time. My thoughts are with you.
Love, Kathy

    Bookmark   November 26, 2007 at 12:56PM
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kathwhit(z8, West OR)

Hi Celeste, I was just wondering how you are doing? I'm still thinking of you and hoping for Grace's quick return.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2007 at 1:10PM
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celeste(zone 4 NH)

Hi Kathy...
I'm doing ok....somehow life goes on even when our hearts
are wounded. Gracie has called me several times (I am letting her contact me so I don't seem pushy and I'm avoiding any discussion about "him".) She just doesn't "get it". She is so excited about being in Florida, walking the beaches, sightseeing, and getting away from another cold New Hampshire winter. Right now it is all fun and games. Reality hasn't hit yet. Since he already stole or conned her out of everything she had to her name except her car and she went down there with just her last paycheck (and the gas expenses used that all up) he can't steal anything more. I have heard from his ex that he has already quit or was fired from a couple of jobs and isn't working so I don't know how long his mom will put up with them living there. I told Gracie before
she left not to get a job right off, because he will just sit back and let her support him again. I doubt his mom
will put up with them living there indefinitely with neither one working...and she will hit the roof when she
gets her phone bill. He was calling Grace from his Mom's
phone several times every day after he left, for hours at
a time. And then if he does to his mom what he did to us,
she will eventually start noticing things missing from her wallet, home, etc.

I have found out more troubling bits of info. about him since Grace left, and I am even more concerned for her welfare. I will not elaborate here, but lets just say that if she doesn't wake up soon, she could be in real danger. I know that anything I would tell her would be
discarded, because she is so brainwashed and incapable of
thinking clearly.

My daughter was an honors student all through school, so she is no dummy. We all just shake our heads, wondering
what happened to our smart, enthusiastic, goal-oriented Gracie. I miss her laugh, her zest for life, her hugs.
I pray everyday that her eyes will be opened, and she will come home to her family who will never stop loving her.

Thanks for your thoughts & concern.


    Bookmark   November 29, 2007 at 10:36PM
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dirt_yfingernails(z3-4 MN)

As others have said, just be there for her. When my youngest DD left (alone and on her own), my heart was unbearably broken for months and still is sometimes after 3 1/2 years. We have made amends and are close again, but she still lives over 1500 miles away. She was raised to be independent and wishes to make her own way in the world. It was hard to let go of her at age 19 and have her half-way across the country, but we both have survived. She felt stifled and controlled living close to me even though I tried hard not to control her in any way. Guess I raised her to be too independent, but I am glad she can survive on her own.

    Bookmark   November 30, 2007 at 12:02PM
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kathwhit(z8, West OR)

Dear Celeste,
I am so glad you are still in contact with Grace. I just know she will soon wake up figure it all out. You are smart to keep the lines of communication open and she is a smart girl and will come to her senses. But the waiting must be hell for you. You'll be in my thoughts.

    Bookmark   November 30, 2007 at 12:04PM
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carla17(Z7 NC)

Celeste, thank you for updating us. I am praying for you both and hopefully Grace's eyes will open soon.


    Bookmark   November 30, 2007 at 5:26PM
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Dear Celeste,

Thanks for the update.-----
So many of us are in pain ----It is difficult at this time of year----

My thoughts and prayers are with you---I do hope she will soon come to her senses and realize that she is wasting her life.

Thinking of you.

Fondly, florence

    Bookmark   November 30, 2007 at 6:43PM
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I feel so sad and don't know what to say. I know your daughter just wants to be loved like everyone does. I think about you and hope for the best for your family everyday.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2007 at 8:11AM
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Celeste----You are on my mind this afternoon------------

the holiday season is difficult when our loved ones are in pain------------

Hope you are OK.


    Bookmark   December 11, 2007 at 1:18PM
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meredith_e Z7b, Piedmont of NC, 1000' elevation

Yes, thinking of you and wishing y'all the best. Take care.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2007 at 7:15PM
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