I'm recommending a book

meldy_nva(z6b VA)December 4, 2012

and unless I'm very sure of your taste, this is something that I just don't do very often.

However, personal taste doesn't matter very much to this one's content, and the content is something that I strongly feel *everyone* should be aware of, regardless of gender, age, or any other of the usual limitations.

Please buy or borrow and -as soon as possible- read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin deBecker.

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I had to look it up out of curiosity. I love the tagline (all from Amazon):

True fear is a gift.
Unwarranted fear is a curse.
Learn how to tell the difference.

A date won't take "no" for an answer. The new nanny gives a mother an uneasy feeling. A stranger in a deserted parking lot offers unsolicited help. The threat of violence surrounds us every day. But we can protect ourselves, by learning to trust and act on our gut instincts.

In this empowering book, Gavin de Becker, the man Oprah Winfrey calls the nation's leading expert on violent behavior, shows you how to spot even subtle signs of danger-before it's too late. Shattering the myth that most violent acts are unpredictable, de Becker, whose clients include top Hollywood stars and government agencies, offers specific ways to protect yourself and those you love, including...how to act when approached by a stranger...when you should fear someone close to you...what to do if you are being stalked...how to uncover the source of anonymous threats or phone calls...the biggest mistake you can make with a threatening person...and more. Learn to spot the danger signals others miss. It might just save your life.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2012 at 1:22PM
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Again Oprah was mentioned"
5. Trust your gut. It's your spiritual GPS."
I agree, trust your internal GPS.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2012 at 7:08PM
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meldy_nva(z6b VA)

I think I was most impressed with his view that women, especially, still act/speak as though saying 'no' should not be taken as a firm negative or should be 'softened' with indeterminate following phrases so as to "not be rude". I can thank my father (sixty+ years ago) telling me to never say 'no' unless I meant it, and then to never indicate that it was anything but 'no'. He was outspoken that safety and moral issues weren't flexible, and I should always be firm in doing what was proper whether or not it was popular. He also gave me the key that prevents accusations of being rude from hurting my feelings. "If you must say 'no' then always do so with politeness. People who ignore your 'no' are themselves being rude. Pity them, but don't let *their* rudeness change your mind."

deBecker says that "No" is not negotiable. If someone ignores your statement, then they are trying to control you. (Not to your benefit.)

    Bookmark   December 5, 2012 at 10:36AM
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rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7

Kindle has this book for less than seven bucks, in case anyone is interested.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2012 at 12:48PM
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There is just the hugest range of no! No, I will not be in a physical relationship with you. No I will not give you money. No, I will not come pick up my phone from you that you could've given to the bus driver, but instead, you want me to come across town at night and to the worst part of town. Yep, that happened. Last week. And he was pissed I wouldn't come. Sound dangerous to you? Did to me! I asked him to bring it back to the bus station the next day instead, and hm, he never did do it. Wonder why? NOT! I have his number.

I will be reading your book suggestion mostly likely mel! I too live like your father suggests. Some days it's not as polite as I meant to. That has been harder than saying no. But living this way makes sleeping a lot easier.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2012 at 1:07PM
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Tiffany, purpleinopp GardenWeb, Z8b Opp, AL

Thanks for taking a minute to share something that could save somebody some trouble someday. I wish this man had used the word awareness or any other word besides fear. Being aware is going to keep anyone a lot more safe than being afraid. Being aware is powerful and in control. Being afraid is unfocused and helpless. I get the idea that's the gist of his advice, but just take issue with the word fear.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2012 at 5:09PM
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meldy_nva(z6b VA)

I very nearly did not pick up the book, solely due to the title; the word 'fear' was indeed a turnoff. Now, I am so glad that I did read it - and I understand *why* he used 'fear' and not any of the other words with similar definitions.

Being aware is indeed powerful, but most of us need specifics on *how* to be aware, of *what* to be aware, and *when* attention should be paid to details. The human emotion of 'fear' is actually rather specific, which is precisely apt in this case. Being 'afraid' is often generalized and even more often without supporting reasons or, as you said, "unfocused". One of GdeB's points is that many of us pay a lot of attention to being afraid, to the detriment of our overall well-being; but if we learn to focus on or pay attention to specific danger-signs (when produced by the 'fear' instinct) then we can relax in non-fearful situations (which is most of the time) and that improves our overall well-being.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2012 at 10:55AM
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Tiffany, purpleinopp GardenWeb, Z8b Opp, AL

I want to ask if they have it at our library, and glad I inspired this info from you, thanks!

    Bookmark   December 6, 2012 at 4:39PM
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