The Grand Finale' !

Marian_2(Z6 ARKozarks)October 30, 2006

I took what will probably be my last color tour for all who care to see them,this will be the last thread I post on the beauties of nature in the Ozarks.

It started out this morning with a lovely sunrise;

Then a trip around the county road at the reverse of my other trip;

I was close to our side road, but decided to take a longer trip. First, along the highway to Ponca,

At the bottom of the hill at Steelcreek, a group of trail riders, heading for a trail along the Buffalo River area.

Then my favorite spot...the bluffs along the Buffalo at Steelcreek;

And a huge Beech tree, going back up the Steelcreek road,

Going back to Compton area;

A view across a neighbor's field :

On down the county road;

Some of cousin's cows;


down 'our' hill;

And at home'

The Gingko is backed by colorful oaks

A spirea prunifolia

and ...finally...

a yellow-leaved Red Maple!!!!!

I am going into lurking mode, and will not post on the Idyll's threads unless something major happens. I detect that I am just mostly repeating everyone else's thoughts, and am 'very' boring! If I should be called 'home' before you hear from me again...hopefully Tim will let you all know.

I really have nothing interesting to contribute. I do not 'dance to the same drummer' as the majority of you, as you all well know!

Thank you for all the kindness( and tolerance) that has been shown me over the years.


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gardenbug(Canada zone 5)

Well what a roller coaster of a posting you have given me! I was astounded by the beauty of every single shot you I haven't before. I wondered what the magic was today that produced such beauties. What a magnificent tour!

But then you sent me down the rocky slope with your closing remarks. I find it hard to imagine the Idylls without your input. Goodness, I certainly don't feel that my talk of plumbing issues is scintillating, of shopping or mildew repairs...but I do feel that whatever we each contribute here speaks to someone in a way we perhaps never realize or imagine. That certainly was true for me with teaching in the past. How Saucy handles a situation, how Sue deals with medical issues, how Eden works out problems with her daughter and grandchild, how Honey and others deal with things that life throws their way, how YOU make observations about Nolan and Tim and your grandchildren- as well as your health and gardens and kittens....all are important in the scheme of things.

And so I will respect your decisiopn because I respect you, but I don't have to be happy about it do I?


    Bookmark   October 30, 2006 at 5:41PM
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Marian_2(Z6 ARKozarks)

Marie, your everyday activities are interesting to me. After all, everyday life is what I contend with regularly, but mine is much less interesting than yours. Actually, I believe I would gladly trade. I am rather in a holding pattern right now.
I am sorry I threw you a curve. Maybe I really am depressed....???

BTW, I sent you an e-mail, by way of your member page.


    Bookmark   October 30, 2006 at 7:10PM
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What a spendid county we live in, huh, Marian? your shots are just lovely.

No more leaves ('cept the oaks) here in Maine. I was also thinking that I've always believed the leaf color is enhanced by GREY skies, not the cerulean blue we see on post cards!

Thanks for the last minute reminder.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2006 at 7:37PM
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Wow! Marian! I can see why the bluffs are your favorite. They are mine too. Also the one hillside is outstanding. And you knew I would like the one with the trail riders. Wish I had been with them. Actually I feel like I was right there with you on your trip today.

My heart dropped at the ending comment though. GB said everything so well, I will not add anything. I hope you are only going through a bad time and I do know how that is. Pop in any time you feel up to it. Norma

    Bookmark   October 30, 2006 at 9:06PM
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gardenbug(Canada zone 5)

Yes Marian, do consider that the Fall season with its inherent melancholy, loss of daylight, changing temperatures- your son's sick friend, the everyday routines and health concerns for the two of you, the putting to bed of the deck's garden....of course you could be depressed. Now, how to work on that? That's the challenge. But shutting yourself off from others can't be a good solution in my opinion. For starters, an exercise routine! More walking before the snow flies! Then get the binoculars out and start a good 2007 bird list! Let's work on this!

    Bookmark   October 30, 2006 at 10:42PM
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Ahhh Marian, what beauty you have gifted us with today. Each shot was more stunning than the one before. Boring? Never! I love the input from each Idyll and our differences are what make us so special. Don't kid yourself that you are different and we are all alike. I know that I am very different from each of the other Idylls as are all the rest. This can be a tough season to stay up and positive. I respect your desire to go into lurk mode, just don't stay there ;o)


    Bookmark   October 30, 2006 at 11:18PM
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Monique z6a CT(6a CT)

Marian, more amazing fall colors! Thanks for posting these!

    Bookmark   October 30, 2006 at 11:24PM
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Wow! Gorgeous fall color!!! Thank you for sharing the beautiful area that you live in.

I believe that you are feeling the effects of depression. To me, who has had a problem off and on with depression, it seems obvious that you are fighting the effects of it. Having depression isn't a personality can be a lack of a needed chemical in a person's body. You wouldn't feel that a diabetic shouldn't take insulin, or a person with epilepsy shouldn't take their medication, or that a person with heart disease shouldn't take their medication, or a person with blood pressure problems should just 'tough it out'. Well, a person with depression doesn't have to go it alone, nor to tough it out. Finding the right medication and treatment is the difference between going through life feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, sad, despondent, angry and a mirade of other feelings.....or getting back their enjoyment of what blessings surround us and their zest for life. Not all medications work for all people.....a person has to give the medications a good chance to work (many take weeks to kick in) and be willing to keep trying to find the 'right' one. End of T.'s depression sermon. ;o) If the shoe fits, wear it and if it is not for you......toss it aside. You get what you pay for and that one was free! LOL

Truly, I hope you are okay and that if you are depressed that you will seek help from your doctor. There is no shame in asking for help, the sad part is not living your life in a way to enjoy all of the blessings we are gifted with. Sure, everyone has sad and hard parts in their lives....some much more than others. But outlook is important and if depression has someone trudging through waist deep mud.....well, that doesn't allow much enjoyment or ability to see those blessings surrounding them.

Oops!! My opinions didn't stop coming, did they? This is obviously a talk I've had with myself quite a number of times.

I hope you'll find your happiness, whether you lurk, continue sharing or feel the need go elsewhere. Take care of you!!


    Bookmark   October 31, 2006 at 7:02AM
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Dear Marian

You Fall photos are some of the loveliest I've seen and I was imagining with your love of nature, and trees in particular, how much joy they must be bringing. So reading your final paragraph came as a jarring contrast. I struggled for a long time for the right words to help, but came to realize your feelings of self-worth and talk of dying should really be addressed by a professional in the medical/spiritual realm. I so wish there something more I could do or say.

I hope the friendship, reassurances and support of our group over the years have provided some comfort along a difficult road. Please know you will be missed by many if you do choose to no longer contribute - a decision that is yours alone to make. But we will always be here to welcome you back should the time feel right to return.

In friendship


    Bookmark   October 31, 2006 at 7:43AM
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jain(n ca 9 sunset 9)

hi marian. i LOVED your pics and it looks like you must have gotten a new camera to share all your fall glory! i was so happy looking at your pics until i read your farewell at the end... makes popping in bittersweet. i am saddened you won't be online even thought i rarely look in this direction i hate to see change. i hope you are feeling well, reading of being called home makes me worry even more since i am very much out of the loop... i am glad i saw your pics, sad you are retreating, don't let the grey days taint you, get out with your camera and keep sharing all the beauty around you, all you have to do is look, its always out there~

    Bookmark   October 31, 2006 at 9:46AM
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Marian_2(Z6 ARKozarks)

Oh dear dear jain! How wonderful to hear from you ! We all have missed you very much.
Actually, I didn't mean my last statements as a farewell. It was meant more as a 'vacation' from posting on the Idylls. ( The title was chosen to refer to the fall colors, not my decision at the end of the post.)
I do so appreciate all the comforting and kind words from you all...and the advice. It really is not the seasonal change that is bothering me. I love the fall, and the changes, including the time change. It is the other 'season' that upsets me. The 'season to be jolly' !!!!! I do not want to 'throw cold water' on any of your activities, so it is as much as for your benefit that I 'lay low' as it is for mine.
I surely do need all the comaraderie that I can get. My day to day life is very void of that . Communications with my DH are becoming harder and harder. Either he doesn't hear what I say, or he doesn't understand what I say, or he just choses to shut off what I say. I usually feel as though I am talking to a fence post! I try diligently to bring some humor into our lives, but it usually goes right over his head. That is why I love going to the Golden Year's class. I am greeted with love, and listened to ! The same as at our Sunday services. ( There is no class today due to the tragic death of a young man from the hosting congegation...his funeral is today. )
Marie is so correct. I DO have a mulitude of things to cause depression, but I also HATE not being table to rise above it.
Dear T, I so wish I could tolerate the meds for depression. I have such a high level of intolerance. Since I am depended on, for almost everything, I cannot allow myself to take something that will hamper my mental and physical abilities. ( They are already disfunctional enough as it is! )
I love your post, but it brought me a chuckle when you resumed your comments on depression. My dear mother suffered with similar 'mental' problems. She had an extremely dark outlook on life. It became much better after my dad passed away ( sad but true), and even better when she became a member of the church. I think I would be better if I never had to turn on the TV. Almost all that you hear is depressing, even the sitcoms..(because they are trash!).
I am trapped in my situation, and can see no way of changing it...short of deserting the 'sinking ship' ! I really think if I could hire someone to come in and help me keep this pig sty clean, it would help. Also someone to help with the yard. But maybe I am just grasping at straws???
I do live with constant physical pain, and see no way out of that. Believe me, I have prayed and prayed for relief, but it is obviously something that I need, or else it would be removed. wonderful that one day was when the new med made me pain free! But then... the continued use lost it's effect and I almost expired from it's accumulative effects! I cut back to 1/2 of a pill, and was gaining somre relief, but it seems the ill effects still accumulate...:-(
Also the antidepression med that my dr gave me is not compatible with that pain med. What can a body do?????

Oh, back to jain...yes, I bought a Canon Power Shot A540. It is great! The digital that you so kindly sent me still works...after a fashion, but has problems. I haven't tried it's floppies much with this new Computer ( yes I got a new Dell computer, also ). ( I didn't hit the jackpot, or win a lottery. I borrowed on the cash value of DH's life insurance. ) I got a newer refrigerator, and a new range, also. Lots of 'things' but 'things' do not make one happy!

T, have you mentioned to us about going on trail rides? I don't remember it. My sister and her husband have belonged to a riding club for years, and ride the mountainous trails in Idaho, above Boise.

Chelone, I think of you often. You have such a struggle on your hands. Thank goodness you have a helpful DH. I do think you may soon be able to see 'the light at the end of the tunnel'.

Marie, I appreciate your last post. Yes, I do need to work on this. I need other's help also, so thanks for your " Let's work on this". I do need to take walks... besides it is a dr's orders! The Arthitis Dr told me to do so, and to exercise. ( Easy for him to say! ) I don't think he even began to grasp my problems. What I wish I had was someone close who would include me in their activities...take me places...visit with me , etc. Everybody is so busy doing their own thing, and I hate imposing on anyone.

Okay, I've rambled on much too long. I do love you all, and appreciate all you are saying to me. Any e-mails would be most welcome...


    Bookmark   October 31, 2006 at 11:13AM
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vtskiers(z6a CentralCT)

Marian, New England has nothing on you in the fall foliage department. How lucky you are to live in the midst of such natural beauty. Those bluffs are something! Now I want a full sized Ginkgo

I think we all go through periods here when we think we have nothing of interest to offer and can't connect with the crowd. Although going into lurk mode may appear to be the best choice during those times, I'm thinking it's best to keep participating even if it's on a reduced level. Plan to pop in every day to just say hello. Maybe you'll find you really have more that just that to say.


    Bookmark   October 31, 2006 at 8:50PM
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gardenbug(Canada zone 5)

Hi Marian,
As for the bird list, today was the first day in ages that I paid attention to the birds. First thing this morning I saw a bright red male cardinal. I don't know why Deanne was seeing robins though. I saw a great blue heron near our bridge about three times this afternoon. I also saw a well marked Downey Woodpecker and a Nuthatch. Of course there were Chickadees too. Yesterday I kept hearing the piercing sound of a hawk but never saw it. So there's more going on out there than I imagined. We have had lots of blue jays passing through as well. Over by the pit the geese are still congregating. Lots have been practicing their V formation flying!

    Bookmark   October 31, 2006 at 9:12PM
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Marian, I have really enjoyed your fall threads , they have been very special to me. I grew up in LA and fall there meant it got foggy, the hibiscus slowed down and maybe we even got a half inch of rain ! I know we will all respect your desire to lay low for the next several weeks-but like Sue I do urge you to chit chat upon occasion. How ironic you mention the TV, my DH passed away a couple of years ago- he was only 53 , but his TV addiction was our worst conflict ! I hated that d#@m thing being on all the time. After he died I felt guilty about how great it was to have it off.
Anyway Marian, I wish you were close enough that I could hop in my car and come over for a visit..all the best to you,

Kathy in the Napa Valley

    Bookmark   October 31, 2006 at 9:25PM
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deanneart(z5Southern NH)

Just gorgeous Marian, all of it! Love the bluffs, the hills with their glorious color, your beautiful yard. Wonderful.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2006 at 9:54PM
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Marian_2(Z6 ARKozarks)

Ooops, I keep rereading all this, and see I credited T with the trailriding, but it was Norma. Sorry Norma, sometimes I have problems keeping all the info straight.

Marie, I was outside some today, dispite the cold and wind. I heard, and saw a flock of geese going south. They are the first for me this fall. The snowbirds are back in large flocks. I raked and hauled more of the honey locust pods, but have lots more to remove. Then I walked around with the camera, and took what will probably be the last of most of the fall color in our yard, except for the oaks, chrysanthemums, and pansies. It is predicted to get into the low 30s tonight , and the 20s the following night.
I saw a male redbird also, but they are here year around. I haven't seen a blue heron this year, but Nolon says he sees them frequently by the pond.

Kathy, I do believe you would "hop in your car and come over" if you lived closer. I am so glad you ( and all the others) enjoyed my color tours. It thrills my soul everytime I look out and see all that beauty. I can not delay it's passing, but I have a multitude of pics to enjoy all winter.

I see that I made several mistakes in my typing that I missed when proof reading again and again! It's funny how ones eyes/mind misses so much. Thank goodness I am sure you all know what I when I put "table" instead of "able". :-(

I don't know why I feel 'safer' posting on 'my' thread, than on the Idyll's thread, but I do. Weird...right?


    Bookmark   October 31, 2006 at 10:38PM
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Of all people, Marian, I understand how tough it can be. "Abandonning a sinking ship"... well... sometimes you have to do that to save your own life.

I struggle with that decision every day, frankly. I have to work and Mum now requires more care than I can give her. I'm not worried about her physical safety in our home, but as far as taking her pills, emptying her urostomy pouch, getting in/out of bed (both involve the urosotomy collection jug)... she isn't capable, at least not reliably. Not reliably enough for me to feel comfortable.

I know that I have to make the decision to put Mum in LTC. I have to. I have compromised everything I've worked so hard to achieve over the course of my adult life in the past 3 years. And I've done it little bit by little bit... rarely noticing the incursion into my "former" life. First it day long "trips", then it was evening movies. And then it was theatre. Now dinner out is not "easy". Bit by bit, you never notice the compromise.

But the incursion has been complete. I can go nowhere, do nothing on the "spur of the moment". Everything in my life is scripted, dictated, and subject to the vagaries of other people. I'm soon to be 48 yrs. old. I've eschewed parenthood. I've worked my ass off to get where I am and have what I have. I've given Mum close to 4 yrs. of my life and now it's time to turn her over to LTC.

I understand. You won't be "abandonning" anything, Marian. Really. Sometimes the burden becomes too much. Sometimes you have to save yourself.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2006 at 10:33PM
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Marian_2(Z6 ARKozarks)

Ah yes...Chelone, as I have said before..I realize the burden you are bearing, but when I see your age I think of how many 'good' years you can still have ...if your health remains good. I am 26 years older than you, and have done all the elimimating of 'my' things as you have.( I started at least 12 years ago, after Nolon had the pneumonia, and was diagnosed with emphysema. Two years later he had the heart surgery following a ( second) heart attack.) With me it was first the trips back to Idaho to see my relatives, then trips to Little Rock to see the kids,then it was the afternoon visits with a friend after the Golden Year's class, then it is feelings of guilt if I remain in town too long when I do go. ( Have never had evening movies ( except at home), have never ever been to a theatre, and 'dinner out' always consisted of a noon meal with a friend if there was no Golden Year's class.)( I started going to that class whan I was 50. I think I was 'born old'.)
I do not have to 'care' for Nolon ...yet. He is quite efficient at doing that...yet. He may even be more capable mentally than I, at this point...:-( . But I have ALL the responsibilities ...the housework ( what little gets done) , the yard work, the paper work ( i.e. finances, insurances,etc.), the driving, (he quit driving on the highway about 10-12 years ago), and all decisions are left up to me. If I should outlive him I will sure not be one of those helpless widows ( unless my mind goes completely). He is not to the place where he needs to be put in a 'home'. I am thinking I will reach that point before he does!Seriously!
My primary problem is that I am totally wore out from this accursed fibromyalgia, with it's unrelenting pain and fatigue, plus arthritis. This year my back has deteriorated, with collapsing disks. I am just tired , tired , tired, and no relief in sight. And I am sooo impatient with all his idiosycrasies. I am too old to be a 'mother' to an 80 year old man!
Thank you ( and others) for this place to vent my feelings. I need that, and it 'does' make me feel better.

    Bookmark   November 2, 2006 at 8:43AM
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Marian_2(Z6 ARKozarks)

Chelone, I left out the most important objective of my last post! And it is to thank you for the encouragement and advice, I truely appreciate it. Thank you.

    Bookmark   November 2, 2006 at 9:39AM
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Should've posted sooner .... what a wonderful place to live! I can, though, understand feeling isolated in such a place and that's where Idylls and web comes in!

Marian, a lot of my faith is based on gratitude and the understanding that not everything is to our benefit all the time. Chelone said it well ... life goes on while circumstances make us stand still, sometimes. IMHO, the power in all of us comes out when we need it to. Your decisions about Nolan Need to be selfish. How good will you be for him if unhappiness dictates? I could go on and on but I know this is a really hard concept to put into action. I lived without it for a long time, and my life as become so free since I put "me first." That's not necessarily bad-selfish. It is, instead, taking care of oneself. No one will do it for us.

My sister suffers from fibromyalgia and I know that each day can seem like a struggle. Is there a way you can find something each day to be grateful for? Certainly the place where you live is one; having tons of Idyll friends is another; going to the One Stop is another. Even just feeling "good" for 60 seconds each day is better than not at all. Again, I learned the hard way :-)

Perhaps you could try medication again. Sometimes it takes a few weeks to settle and it may be that there's something new out there that wasn't there before.

And -- Faith comes in many forms. It is a bedrock of our nation's foundation that each of us can have faith in whatever way we choose. I'm grateful for the diversity, as things I thought may be "hogwash" have worked in certain circumstances. Though we may be different, that is our strength and it is those differences that we celebrate on Idylls.

Don't stay away for long, please! As my winter plants come into bloom I'll need you to ID them for me!! (Yes, selfish. LOL)

Best - Martie

    Bookmark   November 4, 2006 at 11:06AM
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Marian_2(Z6 ARKozarks)

Martie, I can see I have certainly left you all with the wrong concept on my feelings. I am VERY greatful for ALL that I have. Even the pain and frustrations are for a good reason. I cannot go along with the 'me first' generation. My faith is based on " God first, others second, and self last." It that is offensive to anyone, so be it!
( Hopefully I will not be chastized for saying that, as I was earlier when I commented on my faith in God).
I have all that I need in life...materially. I have many dear friends. But I AM in a struggle with my health problems, and with a grave disappointment in the way the world is going. I can empathize with Jeremiah, as I feel quite alone in my attitude towards so much of what is accepted in this day and age. I cannot, and will not, accept the garbage that is accepted by the majority.

My philosophies do not please others, as does that of all who use a worldly perspective for theirs. I base mine on one source, and one only. This is why I chose to stay away from any confrontations on the forums during a 'holiday' season that is disturbing to me. My close friends and family members recognize and accept my feelings, and do not condemn me for them.
( Oops, I got wrapped up in this, and almost burned the hamburger that I am browning for a casserole! )
I do love others who do not share my beliefs,( including all of you), therefore I need to avoid causing hard feelings, and disrupting other folk's 'fun'. I have diligently attempted to avoid saying anything that someone will take offense at. I hope I have not now.
I am not perfect, and I do not know any human that is! I can only strive for perfection, but frequently fall short.
I do not think highly of myself, but I think I am as good as the next 'guy' !
Perhaps my biggest 'fault' is being too honest! ????

BTW, I love Thanksgiving. Too bad it isn't year around!


    Bookmark   November 4, 2006 at 11:48AM
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Marian -- The private email I sent should clear up my understanding of what I am saying. Wouldn't it be boring if we all believed the same thing?

(Sorry about the 'burger :-)


    Bookmark   November 4, 2006 at 12:43PM
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