I need a laugh--don't you? Here's a good one:

bluegirl_gwMarch 17, 2013

Okay, off topic, per se, but I think we've all had roses that relate to this thread.
Be sure you read down to Robert Huggin's post #9--THE ONE ALL IN CAPS!!! This cheered me--hope y'all enjoy it.

http://faq.gardenweb.com/faq/lists/calif/2004035908004767.html

Here is a link that might be useful: the suicidal gardenia thread

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lola-lemon(5b East WA)

That is hilarious!! thanks for sharing.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2013 at 10:01PM
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jerijen(Zone 10)

Years ago, I was involved in replanting the gardens at a local historic home. After we'd all put time and money into it, they called in some landscape architect. I think his main gig was gas stations.

We sat there, and I watched the looks on the garden society ladies. I finannly had too much, when he got to the row of gardenias along the east side of the foundation.

I stuck my hand up, and said:
"Excuse me. but do you have some variety of gardenia that will stay alive in our conditions?"

He looked at me, and said: "So, it doesn't grow here, either?"

EITHER??? For God's sake. After that, disposing of the rest of his dreadful ideas was far easier.

Jeri

    Bookmark   March 17, 2013 at 10:22PM
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Kippy(SoCal zone 10. Sunset Zone 24)

Does anyone remember the thread on "Bully Sticks" a few years back?

That one was epic!

    Bookmark   March 17, 2013 at 10:34PM
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bluegirl_gw

"AND AFTER SIX YEARS THESE SIMPLE PLANTS HAS TAUGHT ME HOW TO RELAX.AFTER SIX YEARS I TAKE FOUR VALUIM AND A HALF A GALLON OF SCOTCH AND STAGGER OUT FOR MY NEXT TRY TO KEEP MY ONE PLANT ALIVE.AFTER 3000 HRS ON THE INTERNET,GARDENING BOOKS AND HELP FROM THREE HUNDRED PROFESSIONAL GROWERS AND FOUR GARDENING CDS..."

Priceless. Some posts are so witty. I'm gonna have to steal that "shake a chicken over it" line, too.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2013 at 10:51PM
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lola-lemon(5b East WA)

I thought the OPs recap of Robert's ^^^ description was priceless too:

....Gardenias like wet/dry, acidic/alkaline soil. They like sun, but only in shade; and shade, but only in sun. North southern exposure (if you can't manage that, try east western). They like to be dry misted, to be fed yet not, and adore the sound of one hand clapping.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2013 at 11:09PM
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bluegirl_gw

Then there's this one:

Posted by: angel Pacific North West ) on Fri, Jun 15, 01 at 22:17 They are the plant from hell. Satan himself invented this damned plant and laughs uproariously at all of us pitifull little idiots trying to make such a hatefull and obnoxious plant happy. They immediately die when I get within six feet of them, I have actually heard them scream when I reach to pick it up. They even have an annoying scream. If I bring them home, the buds dont just fall off, they detonate and fly off and stick to the wall. The leaves don't just dry up and turn brown. They send up wisps of smoke and smolder turn black and burn a hole in the floor where they dropped. Please people, do yourself the greatest kindness and resist the horrible gardenia plant. Don't torture yourself. And if you must buy one, give it as a gift to someone you don't like. Together, if we try, we can get them off the market and resume our happy lives.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2013 at 11:25PM
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merlcat(7a)

NO! no!! I can't read this thread now!!! It is so funny that it makes me cry but...

I have a Ga*d**ia SURVIVING in the stairwell right now and if I read this it will be bad luck!

My SO started to mention the Gar****DEn*A the other day and I had to shuh him!
I said "Don't speak of her, she'll hear you! Just don"t say a word and keep right on walking by!"

So little time left till Spring and she can go back outsideâ¦. so much that can still go wrong!!

BAHH!

    Bookmark   March 17, 2013 at 11:32PM
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kittymoonbeam

I love these immortal archived threads.

I finally learned to grow Gardenias. They need a soil that is acid but will not break down into muck and become oxygen deprived. I took some advice and tried growing one in 85% sand with lots of watering and feeding. Success. Tired of the constant watering and feeding I am now growing in a combination of sand-pumice-peat (not too much peat) -redwood compost and a little of my finely sifted clay-loam soil. Morning sun or all day under shade cloth. Perfect Gardenias every time. Regular potting soil won't cut it because modern potting mixes have a lifespan of 6 mos. tops for gardenias and after that the plants go into decline. They want to be moist but have perfect drainage and plenty of air. They prefer rainwater but with the redwood and peat they can get by on my alkaline stuff.

For those of you who desire blueberries this is essentially the very same way to plant and have the plants thrive and grow large.

Jeri, I'm glad you stopped that guy before he wasted all the money on his bad ideas.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2013 at 11:37PM
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Tuggy3(9b NorCal)

".... they called in some landscape architect. I think his main gig was gas stations."

That is so funny. Our gas stations have astro turf but not gardenias. Sounds like he worked up here.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 12:07AM
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jerijen(Zone 10)

He got part of his way. Latest indignity -- they let a whole herb garden die, and someone stole two mature Lamarques. (I fought for those, damn it.)

Now,, the new exec. Direct wants to replace them with CL. Eden.
SO Historic. (NOT).

Jeri

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 12:24AM
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catsrose(VA 6)

I wish I'd read this thread before buying yet more failing gardenias. I keep trying and they keep dying. At my parents' home in the Bay Area, there was a huge gardenia beneath my parents' bathroom window. It seemed to always be in bloom and the fragrance was glorious. It was mostly in the shade of a huge oak tree. SInce my mother's idea of gardening was to water everything once a week, I figured it couldn't be that difficult. Ha! Ha! Ha!

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 7:41AM
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Alana8aSC

I have a gardenia my dh's gramma gave me because all the grandkids ran it over and walked on it in the spot it was in, she had three or four including this one piece that was only one stick. I dug a whole thru the stick in it, and has been putting up new growth every year! never do anything to it, her oldest one is HUGE! like atleast 6*6 when it blooms I'll try and take a picture of it. It has big white heavenly scented flowers! I feel bad for you who have tried to grow it and fail, when all I did was throw it in the ground and forget about it :( but my failure is rooting.. anything.. if it has roots I can grow it .. otherwise it's dead! I did buy a small greenhouse to try and get better with that. Time will tell!

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 8:05AM
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harmonyp

I had found that thread when I was about to pull out the last available hank of hair on my head, after killing about 10 of them. I wanted to grow gardenias SO badly. I tried everything. I slaved over them - different dirt, different water levels, different shade levels, different acid enhancers. Nothing. My camellias are superplants, so I thought I could grow gardenias (and azaleas - can't grow them either). The only positive experience I had with gardenias was that flippin thread. I still about wet my pants reading it. Out of the 10, I do still have 2. They are tiny little sticks, with one or two leaves on them, and I just can't bring myself to yanking them out, still thinking some day they'll take off. I know it'll never happen but I pride myself on them not being dead yet.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 9:40AM
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seil zone 6b MI

I think I'm really glad they won't survive my winters at all and I'm death to anything indoors. No chance I'll ever be tempted to get a gardenia!

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 12:33PM
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eahamel(9a)

I stumbled onto this thread a year or so ago, and it was hilarious! One of my favorites, to be sure.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 12:52PM
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ingrid_vc so. CA zone 9

I read the gardenia thread several years and and am laughing just as much this time. What a great group of people!

Ingrid

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 1:05PM
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mori1(5b/6a)

This brought tears to my eyes from laughing so much. I think gardenia are beautiful from a distance as their fragrance is too strong for me to handle.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 1:37PM
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merlcat(7a)

This thread is so timely. I had planned on repotting my gar***ia (too afraid to speak its name LOL!!) this week. I got it last spring and potted it into potting soil that turned out to basically turn into an adobe brick, and weighs as much! I got my new soil last week but still have not done it. The poor thing is surviving in the brick, when watered the water goes right down the sides of the pot, not even into the dirt!

It is hanging on by a thread with half nice growth, some new growth and sticks that are withering away, turning upside-down and dying. Probably trying to look down to see what the hell it is potted in! LOL!

What to do, what to doâ¦

Okay. Michael just came in and said "I'll pot that up in a New York minute!".

He used to grow them in Australia, "Piece of piss to do!", as the Aussies say. Of course, he quickly followed that by saying "Lost them there, too.... too much sun!"

LOL!!

Oh my.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 1:46PM
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bluegirl_gw

Eahamel, maybe I got the link from you. Certainly from someone here, as that's not my regular forum. Had it bookmarked & found it again the other day. Gardeners are the funniest people--& talented comediennes, too.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 3:33PM
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kittymoonbeam

Harmonyp you are in the same situation I was in. I was told to try them in mostly sand just to prove it was not me, just the soil. And so it was. Same with azaleas. Try it for yourself. I have about a 50% chance of saving them by moving them to better soil. If they are in decomposed organic based soil, they will not survive. Being in the ground in soil that is about 10% organic matter as long as it is acid and fast draining ( preferably with some sand ) with mulch or leaves on top is fine. In pots, they need almost perfect conditions. Potting soils rot too quickly and they begin to decline. If your water makes the mix more alkaline, it happens rather rapidly.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2013 at 9:32PM
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