Missing my friend...

sandyteach(5b)January 22, 2007

Its been a tough last couple of days. A good friend of mine, named Dan, decided life was too difficult to keep on living and on Saturday morning committed suicide. He had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks and was released for the weekend to see how he would do, and was to go back today Monday. My last memory with him is just 2 Sundays ago, in church, hims saying," I just don't want to live anymore, please just hold my hand, Sandy." I don't judge anyone who ends their life, as I have suffered with depression, and know how dark it can get. I wintersowed some peony poppies (Thanks, Nicole) in remembrance of him. Friday is the memorial service, and I have been asked to read some scriptures. One of them says:'My peace I leave you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives..." I trust that Dan now has true peace.

Thanks for letting my share,

Sandy

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lilacs_and_hyacinths(Buffalo)

I am truly sorry to hear this. I hate that so many good people see no other option but to commit suicide. May God grant Dan the peace he could not find in this world.

Sandy, my prayers are with you as you mourn the loss of your friend.

Debbie

    Bookmark   January 22, 2007 at 4:22PM
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laurelin(z5a/4b Upstate NY)

I'm so sorry to hear about Dan's choice, and your awful loss. I hope he's at peace now, and I pray that the Lord will give you His peace now and every day.

Laurel

    Bookmark   January 22, 2007 at 5:32PM
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sandyteach(5b)

Thank you Debbie and Laurel for your kind words. What more can I tell you about Dan. He enjoyed a good laugh, and often would send us funny jokes by e-mail. He was an animal lover, and especially loved Welsh springer spaniels. His lovely Lucy, not yet a year old, he drove to pick up all the way in Connecticut to bring back here to Hamilton. He was a believer, and faithfully attended our home group on Wednesday nights. He preferred the old style hymns, while I like contemporary. He was only 55, a very smart man, an oral surgeon.
Dan very badly longed for a strong family, but unfortunately, had 2 failed marriages, and six children. The 4 boys from his second marriage were alienated from him, and this was extremely painful for him. His two older kids had a nice relationship with him, and he had reconciled with his first wife. He was not a perfect person, but neither is anyone. I will miss our times together. I wish he could have held on and seen that life really is worth living. Thank you fellow gardeners for taking the time to read this post.

Sandy

    Bookmark   January 22, 2007 at 6:29PM
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tiffy_z5_6_can(5/6)

Sandy,
I just read this post and have tears flowing down my cheeks as it is hitting too close to home. I will come back later. God Bless and may you feel the warmth of a big hug surround you.

Nicole.

    Bookmark   January 24, 2007 at 7:47AM
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sandyteach(5b)

Hi Nicole,
So you know how hard this can be. I took today off from work, as I needed time just to collect myself. At first it was a shock, and I didn't really believe it, but the last few days it has sunk in, and I feel as if a brick is on my heart. The funeral is Friday, to give time for his parents to get here from Colorado. When you feel up to it you can write back.
Hugging you too,
Sandy

    Bookmark   January 24, 2007 at 9:25AM
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docmom_gw Zone 5 MI(5)

Sandy,
Just know I am thinking of you. I, too, know the pain of depression and I grieve your loss and the pain your friend suffered. I hope he is in a better place and has escaped his burdens. For those unfamiliar with depression, it's hard to understand that even with the best treatment the pain can be intolerable. May comfort be yours.
Martha

    Bookmark   January 24, 2007 at 4:09PM
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lilacs_and_hyacinths(Buffalo)

It is times like this when I really struggle with my faith. Why does God let good people suffer so much? There are, of course other websites that deal in depth with this question.

One thing is for sure, I have made it a personal ministry of sorts to uplift and compliment people on the good things I see in them.

I may not be able to help much those with the deep depression that sometimes leads to suicide, but if I can nip in the bud even someone's case of the blues, we will both be better people for it.

Debbie

    Bookmark   January 26, 2007 at 11:20AM
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sandyteach(5b)

Thank you Martha and Debbie for you comforting words. It means alot to me to come to this site and read what you have written. Today is the funeral. It is in the evening, just a simple service with some hymns, some scripture, and a few words from a pastor friend. Two of my sons will be pallbearers. I am praying for strength for everyone involved to get through it O.K.
Sandy

    Bookmark   January 26, 2007 at 11:56AM
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squirrelspur(6B/7A NC)

Sandy, I'm so sorry for you. Many years ago I had a close friend who committed suicide. Please be comforted that he is at peace now and you did all you could for him as a friend. Although we can try to talk someone out of it, sometimes the despair and pain takes over a person, and we just cannot help them.

Karen

    Bookmark   January 26, 2007 at 5:12PM
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ellimay8

Sandy,
I'm a newbie to WS, and was checking out this entire site when I came across your post. My heart just aches for you. Four years ago my ex-husband committed suicide. It was the worst thing I have ever gone through- I cried everyday for months. We had been divorced for 4 years (his choice- he felt that it would solve all of his problems), and I had by then moved on with my life. But it just stirred up so many emotions and pained me to think that he was in that much misery. It is such a helpless feeling, and leaves all sorts of unanswered questions. For months I would see people that resembled him and would have to look twice because I still expected him to be alive. I had difficulty letting my car idle in my garage even for a few seconds because it reminded me of how he took his life. But I can tell you that through it all God was sovereign and eventually gave me tremendous peace through my tears.

Are you familiar with Michael W. Smith's song "Breathe"? ...It starts out, "This is the air I breathe..." Soon after the suicide our worship leader in church told the story of how Michael W. Smith wrote that song after his own close friend committed suicide. It's a song that has really helped me focus on God and rely on Him for everything.

I will be thinking about you, Sandy, and praying for comfort.

Blessings to you,
Lori

    Bookmark   January 29, 2007 at 10:54PM
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lilacs_and_hyacinths(Buffalo)

How are you, Sandy?

    Bookmark   February 5, 2007 at 1:41AM
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sandyteach(5b)

Dear Debbie,

Thanks for asking about me. I am much better this week. The week of Dan's death and funeral were a blur and it was just basically getting through each day. During that time my family physician had me see a psychiatrist who confirmed that I had suffered 3 major episodes of depression in my life and that makes it a pretty strong possibility that I will have another episode. Thankfully I am O.K. now, but am on antidepressants, and will just have to be watchful of how I am doing. It is still hard to believe that Dan is gone. So many things will reming me of him, and then I have to catch myself and think, on no, he's dead. Well, Have to get ready to go to work. Blessings, Sandy

    Bookmark   February 6, 2007 at 7:51AM
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lilacs_and_hyacinths(Buffalo)

Oh yes dear, those times when you think of your friend only to realize they are gone are heartbreaking. I am glad to hear you're getting help for depression and are keeping an eye out for troubles.

You are a good, kind person. A selfish person would not react like this. Keep talking if it helps, Sandy. We can't replace Dan but want to be like a warm virtual circle around you so there is not so much of a gap where Dan used to stand.

You are in my thoughts.

Debbie

    Bookmark   February 8, 2007 at 1:01PM
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trishthegardenmom(6a)

Hi Sandy,

Hope your doing okay. My husband and I lost a dear friend to suicide 8 years ago. So my heart goes out to you, cause I know exactly what you are going through. These few words helped us, maybe they will help you too...
"To live on, is to live the hearts of those we love, forever."
The memory of your friend will always be in your heart.

Peace be with you,

Trish

    Bookmark   February 8, 2007 at 8:26PM
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tiffy_z5_6_can(5/6)

Sandy,

Well, I'm back.

In 1985, I lost my 18 year old brother to suicide, then in 2001, DH attempted the same, and this past year... Needless to say I have seen depression work it's darkest web around some of the most beautiful and gifted people I've known and know today. It is a black maze which is incomprehensible to many who have not lived with it.

I am glad you are seeking help in this time of need. Do not let go of that thought. It's so important for you to take care of yourself and concentrate on what makes you feel comfortable and good no matter what others may think.

I'm sorry that Dan made the decision he did. But it's OK. I constantly go back to what one doctor said to me a few years back about DH, and that was, "You can't always be with R., and you have a life too. If R. wants to try to take his life again, you can't stop him, and you can't live your life based on that." At first I thought it was a very cold thought, but then it dawned on me she was right.

I feel your loss and there's an ache in my heart as I write, yet I smile as I think there must have been some fond memories with Dan for him to be such a good friend. Right? Let's remember those. He would truly love that, don't you think?

I hold you in my heart,

Nicole.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2007 at 10:27PM
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lblack61(z5 NY)

This is heartbreaking.
I lost a friend this way. It has been ten years, and it still haunts me.
The thing was, I had been in this place myself, and he could've come to me about it, but because so many people looked up to him, he felt he would let us all down by showing this "weakness".
Even now I can recall exactly how it feels when everything starts looking so dark and hopeless, and death feels like the only way out. It is a horrible, desperate feeling. It is like a downward spiral at breakneck speed.
I've learned that if it happens again, I need to grab on to other people, let them know what I'm going through and ride it out. It is a feeling that is out of touch with reality, leans so far to the darkness that you don't realize there is light.
It's painful that we can't change the choice of others to go this way. I always think, "If he could have held on a little bit longer, if he would've called me and told me, he'd know I'd been there".
Big hug for you, Sandy. Hold on, Stay in there. It is worth the fight. Rest in the arms of the God of All Comfort
Linda

    Bookmark   February 23, 2007 at 2:38PM
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