Did you hear the one about... ?

nancy_drew(5 nw chgo burbs)May 28, 2009

Have you heard a good joke lately? Post it hear, we could all use a good laugh!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance,"says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here....... On the swing," replied the drunk.

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There's a Toronto comedian who moved to Montreal last summer. Much to his dismay, Quebec started a new law requiring all motorists to install snow tires on their cars in the fall.

Signage, of course, is all in French in Quebec.

He thought he had the right place to go (due to the picture of a giant tire outside the garage).

He went up to the counter, facing the tall burly man, with a monkey wrench in his hand, and started the conversation, reaching way back to his high school French.

"Je...(and here's where the right word just jumped into his head) besoin (need)..and here's where he drew a blank..no clue what the word for 'tire' was in French.

So, he decided to do what most of us do in the same circumstance, and "French up" an English word, in this case, 'tire' became 'tirer'.

He smiled and said "Je besoin un tirer".

So, literally, what he was asking this man was..."I need a pull". Now some big burly men with a monkey wrench might take this request the wrong way, but this fellow appreciated the lack of "la langue francais", in his poor customer. He explained (in English) that the word for tire in French is "pneu".

Not in a million years would our poor friend have ever been able to recall, or make up a word like that!

    Bookmark   May 28, 2009 at 9:05PM
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A family was at the end of their patience with the difficulty of raising six year old twin boys. The boys were into everything and would not listen to their mom, dad or grandparents. The grandmother suggested they talk with their pastor about the twins' behavior. The paster confidently told the parents and grandparents he was sure he could help and asked that the boys be brought to his office the following morning. Since the boys were now six, he told the worried parents it was time the boys learned some responsibility and about God and heaven and their purpose in life.

The next morning the mother arrived at the office with the boys. The pastor asked to speak with one child at a time, telling the mother to leave the other child in the outside waiting room with his secretary. He asked the mother to go home, and he would deliver the children home in about an hour as they only lived down the block from the pastor's office. The mother left as the pastor took the first boy into his office and sat him down at the desk. Taking his seat across from the boy, the pastor looked at the child and decided the best approach to open the discussion was to be direct and talk to the boy about God and heaven and about the lessons both boys had learned in Sunday school about letting your good qualities be the driving force in your life. Leaning forward the pastor softly asked the child, "Son, where is God?".......the boy looked back at the pastor in silence for a long time. Finally the pastor asked again, "Son, where is God?". Suddenly the little boy jumped up from his seat, ran out the door, grabbed his brother by the hand, ran down the street to their home and hid in the upstairs closet.

Hiding in the back of the closet, the other brother asked, "What did Pastor Brown say to you, and why are we hiding in this closet?"

The first brother said,

"God is missing and they think we took him!"

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 2:47AM
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nancy_drew(5 nw chgo burbs)

"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died." Richard Diren

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 11:16AM
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nancy_drew(5 nw chgo burbs)

GardenGrass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.........

A couple in Baltimore , Maryland had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing some of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream! The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendant rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the EMT saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. The little snake again came out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed, both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when he shot her.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2009 at 10:09AM
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a husband and wife were on a very, very long drive one day. after several hour alone in the car they got to picking on each other, It got to the point that they started giving each other the silent treatment.
Many miles later, they drove passed a farm where pigs were rolling in the mud and jackasses where running around in circles. The husband said in a nasty tone "hey look, isn't that you family?" the wife looked and replied "Yes, those are my In laws"
speaking of in laws...
what is the difference between in laws and outlaws?
outlaws are wanted.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2009 at 11:15PM
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