Hello Al. Sorry to hear of this. Your not alone. Sad to say over 50% of marriages end up in divorce. I'm no marrage counsler. But you need to confront her/him. I belive you have kids. Keep your cool. You are a giving person. You might want to talk to a lawyer. Maybe things could be salvaged. My thoughts and prayers are with youmy freind. filix

PLEASE tell me this was an excellent joke, Al!
Because I would feel terrible for having laughed at that last line...if it's not a joke!

Josh

You really had me going there for a while....feeling just terrible for poor Al! Now I'm sitting here chortling and guffawing (yes, people do that sometimes!)

I'm very gullible by nature. So it's just like me to dive in head first. By all means, use insecticide! filix :) :(

That is a hilarious story! (BTW -- if it were my ficus, I'd use the hort oil)

Sok Felix - if you were a lady, I'd send you a hug. ;o) (I'm sure that violates some kind of feminist rule, but I don't want to hear about it ...... and I'll defend my good intentions to the death - or reasonably close to death - well, maybe until I don't feel so good). You're not the only one who was taken in because they didn't look beyond their concern for my pitiful plight. It just shows you have a good and innocent heart. ;o)

I hope others reading it got a good yuk.

YPA

? Since your bigger, can't you just slap the scale out of it & record a country western song about the whole sad saga ?

It's so lonesome in the saddle since my horse died,

And the leaves on all my plants are looking so fried.

My horse he used to fight the scale,

Slapped em with his wispy tail,

But now he's gone so I rely on Spectracide.

There! - you set it to music.

Al

How can anybody set a song to music when you leave out the requisite mention of: trains, pick-up trucks & momma ?

Al,

You had me all the way till the last sentence...I was, what is happening(sounds like an Al impersonator)...Shame on you!! ROFLMAO...

Try Bayers systemic, lol...

Darn that Ficus! Maybe some Merrit will help your situation. Regarding the other problem, if they are going to hang out like that maybe they could do you a favor and run and get you a six pack while your waiting for her to come in. That WOULD BE THE POLITE thing to do.

Oh yeah, about the Merrit.....

Lol - I'm really glad some of you were hooked until the end. ;o) I was purposely redundant in the thread title though, thinking maybe it would be a little hint that it was a joke. Hey - what if it's all true, and I only added the scale thing just to keep it appropriate for inclusion in the container forum - to keep the iVillage people happy? ;o)

Al

Want another grin? Follow the link below to read about the tribulations encountered by a few with the want to make their own fish emulsion. Actually, credit for discovering the thread goes to Rhizo, who called it to my attention some time ago. I think this is prolly the funniest thing I've ever read on GW, and they're soo serious. ;o)

Here is a link that might be useful: Fish propulsion & other manufacturing anomalies ...

Al, I read your tale with genuine concern, my heart in my throat, the tiniest of tears beginning to form at the corner of my eye... because this scenario can happen to anyone... and then I read the ending... I don't know whether to be relieved or mad at you for making me almost cry! Don't ever do that again! :-)

By all means use an insecticide if you must, but don't play with the emotions of your students! I say this in all good humor, Al, as it was a really good punch line... but maybe the joke, itself, could use a little rethinking!

(I'm blonde, female, and emotional... sue me!)

That fish emulsion thread was hilarious! I would think it much more efficient, not to mention a lot less smelly, to go the store and buy a bottle of already made fish emulsion fertilizer!

I took the liberty of posting your thread at the Kitchen Table......with the same results as here! Thanks for a good laugh, Al.

I used to be really gullible - I believed the story someone told me in college about accidently microwaving his cat.

As you were going along at the beginning, I was thinking:
a - this is awfully personal stuff to be sharing here on a forum, even if you have become close to people.
b - the details are really laying it on thick. Very overly obvious.
c - anyone who is not a doormat would have spoken up to their spouse earlier in the process.

I thought that even though I am a generally emotional, advice giving type of person.

But it only took me a couple seconds to catch on to the punch line.

Very cute though. It's a very good joke to pass on, but the problem is that it has to be from someone who you talk with about gardening.

Oh no - not really. You could be hiding behind a pet car & see something wrong with the tire & wonder if you should replace the tire or get it fixed .... you just have to use your imagination. ;o) It's only the last two lines that need changing. ... hid behind a laundry hamper & noticed how dingy the whites were ...... Should I use Tide or Oxysomethingorother. ;o)

Sorry, Jodi. Don't cry. Did I ever introduce you to my friend Felix? ;o)

Heading over to the Kitchen Table to ck it out.

Later.

Al

I have been spending too much time betting on the illegal cow fights! How about you catch your ficus having a date "and not a fig" with some invasive creeping vine. (sigh) You thought your ficus was a true ficus. (another sigh) But turns out to be A highbred ficus. But you are hiding behind a large clay container in your garage. You don't want that invasive vine to pollinate your ficus, because the offspring could be fecal! Your heart is in your throat. You dropp to your knees in a fecal ficus fetal position. Tune in next week for the conclusion of Al's Ficus! Your freind fecal filix. thanks for the hug! :)

Sick.

Sorry. Cabin fever, a couple drinks. Now back to sifting bark. filix.

I probably wouldn't have fell for it, but you're such a trustworthy guy, Al... and I, apparently, am a trusting soul! Some folks do find a comfort level of sorts on message boards they frequent often, and the other members are like an online family... it wouldn't be too far fetched to think that someone would pour out their heart to get help or opinions...

Anyway... it was a good one, Al... I didn't cry, cry... I just got a little emotional, which is normal for me! :-)

I just happened to be passing by and got a kick out of this...I was hooked right till the end! I was kinda thinking...this is an odd thing to be posting here, but not the strangest I've seen! LOL!

I usually spend most of my time on the Amaryllis forum - Hi Jodi! We cut up and have a great time over there as well!

Thanks for the laugh, Al!

-Frank

Actually, we're often a pretty serious and somber lot over here, but it ain't gotta be so! I figured we might get a kick out of a thread where we could let our hair down a bit. Don't be afraid of cross-talk or off-topic subjects - I mean no one REALLY wants to hear about the state of your marital affairs - unless they're a really good pal. ;o) If you have a good story or anything to share - feel free.

Al

My girlfriend gave me downy mildew. I suspect she's been messing around with one of the peppers. I don't know what to do. She's such a ripe tomato and I don't think I can leaf her.

Hi, Frank! (waving)

I think growing certain types of bulbs twists you a little bit, wouldn't you agree, Frank? We really do have some hilarious conversations over there on the Hippi forum!

But when it come to healthy root systems and gritty medium, we're fairly serious... Al is a great teacher, and he keeps his students wanting to learn more!

I'll be leafing now, in search of corn-y humor!

LMAO! Hot Pepper Forum has been a little slow so hopped over here to catch up. This thread is hilairous and I had to read some aloud bc laughing so hard at work. And the "fish" story.. too funny!

Al, you have the makings for a great country song. Just don't forget about us here on Garden Web when you hit the big leagues. Definitely need to add momma, pick-ups and maybe some jail time. That'll hook 'em!

Oh yeah.. good luck with your ficus.. :)

Erin

And trains, too?

Kinda like:

Well I was drunk the day my mom got out of prison
And I went to pick her up in the rain
But before I could get to the station in my pickup truck
She got run'd over by a damned old train ~ D.A. Coe

Don't be afraid of cross-talk or off-topic subjects

How about cross-dressers too? Reminds me of some tomatoes I know, just when you think you can leave them alone they go and pollinate with something they had no business being with ;-)

To Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues:

Tapla saw that train a 'comin,
behind wife's pick up truck,
but his ficus was a 'foolin,
sure had some scale stuck.

Now he's livin' in container prison,
doin' follow ups that are fine,
Momma don't ever see her son,
he's postin' oh-oh-over time.

Oh, no! No no no.... no country music! I beg of you! Don't you know that country kills?! Pluck chickens, not banjos! If you must write a song, the Blues or Rock or even Jazz will do... write an aria, for heaven's sake! Anything but country! (as I jam to Def Leppard on my Ipod)

the solution is obvious; horticultural oil and a girlfriend of your own. That way the ficus and you are both happy.

tapla, does your wife know of this? Obviously not! Because you sound as if you are still in one piece.

You guys are nutts!

Uh - no, Ron ..... it's kind of our secret, so far. ;o)

Al

O.K. jodik; to the blues melody of Born Under a Bad Sign;

pruned under a bad siiign,
just a Bonsaiii against the wall

perched water & trouble,
been it's only friend,
that ficus has scale,
since Tapla don't know when

if it wasn't for some gritty mix,
some real 5:1:1 gritty mix,
it wouldn't haaave no luck at all

LOL! Holy jeeze.

I SWEAR it's true:

The day we had "Fish Ears and Frog Legs"size>

When I was stationed at the Point Barrow, Alaska US Navy weather station, I suddenly found myself caught up in a once in a lifetime experience. It was summer and warm, but Joe, one of my station mates read and reread the weather instruments, finally and reluctantly concluding that a kowillowa was almost upon us. Now, a kowillowa is as rare as an honest politician. It's a sort of storm, short in duration, but violent - and its defining characteristic is an extremely sudden plunge in temperatures. Usually occurring in arctic summers, these freak storms have been known to produce a plummet in temperatures from 78 degrees Fahrenheit to -65 degrees in the span of a second or two. When I asked Joe how long we had before it hit, he consulted the Doppler and announced, "An hour and 14 minutes".

Just then, an idea was born! I gathered all my warmest clothing, all the tin cans I could find, & 200 yards of parachute cord. I strung the cans together on both sides of a neighboring creek, donned every piece of warm clothing I could carry, hid myself, hunkered down & settled in to wait. Fortunately, Joe had predicted the arrival of the kowillowa to the very second. Just as it was about to strike, I pulled the cords with all my might, rattling the cans and setting up a terrible racket along both sides of the waterway. It scared the frogs half to death, so they jumped for the safety of the water. At the same time, all the fish in the creek lifted their ears clear of the water to hear what the commotion was about. THAT is when the kowillowa struck, and it froze the water instantly, trapping the frogs half way in, and the fish with their ears sticking out. Fortunately the temperature moderated somewhat as I returned to the storage hangar to fetch our rear bagger mower. I set the blade on low and ran it up and down the ice, collecting the fish ears and frog legs. We had a fine feast of a rare local delicacy that day, with enough left over for another meal for our 7 man detail.

That was in 1974. I keep in touch with some of my retired buddies, still in the navy. To their knowledge, and mine, the weather station has never recorded another kowillowa since that day.

Al Fassezke (grammar and spelling errors copyrighted)

Think A. Fassezke 1st posted this at www.pinnochio.com/html

I can PROVE I was there. I have photos!

Al

Oh Al, I was 'horrified' by your post, too, even after reading the last sentence because I thought you used 'metaphor': you compared your loving wife to your loving bonsai and the 'human trouble' you were facing to 'plant pest'!
But now, I feel ok because it was just a joke! Excellent joke, too! May I translate this for my friends at a local forum?

Xuan

I'm sorry, Xuan. Heh heh heh! ;o) I'm glad you figured it out. I sure wouldn't want anyone feeling sorry for me - not even the ones that took the bait. Lol

By all means - please share it with your friends if you wish.

Take good care.

Al

Thank you, Al. You too, take good care!

Xuan

OMG! I LMAO @ this hole thread. So were waiting for the pictures of the fish ears and froglegs you promised ....,

I just said I could prove I was THERE - I didn't say that I had pictures of the fish ears and frog legs - those were unfortunately lost in the fire of '85.

I think you guys prolly thought it was a yarn I was making up, Hmm? Frankly, I'm a little miffed that you might not have believed me. Well, to add some credibility to the whole story, I had my sis scan a photo of me she had, & email it to me so I could prove to "ye of little faith" (that's from the bible) that I really was there when it (the kowillowa) hit. Here's a picture of me on the pier next to the weather station (you can just see it on the right if you click on the picture & look close - see the instruments?) at Point Barrow, summer of 74.
{{gwi:1644}}
I hope this photo erases any/all doubts about the veracity of my story.

Al

The subject caught my attention...had to read....had me going but not sure if you were being serious until I read through...what a joker!

LOL

What do you mean? YOU don't believe me either! Well!!! Hmpfh!!!

Al

You know, until I saw the picture on that aircraft carrier deck I didn't realize Tapla actually has been eating gritty mix regularly.
Last night I even saw it advertised on TV:
Guy, holding his gut, says: "I can't believe I ate the whole thing."
Voice says: "Remember, start your day with Gritty Mix & you too can just let 'er blow."

This actually happened to me. Lived with my girlfriend for two years. She started being shady just like you described, and was hanging out with her boss from her new job concerningly too much. Then one night she finally convinced me to let him meet us out in the city (Philly) where she proceeded to get blacked out hammered drunk (not surprisingly - bad drunk). Long story short, she left in a cab with him, along with my car keys and wallet in my jacket I had previously put on her because it was the coldest night of the year. With no ride, no money, and no jacket I had to walk 14 blocks to a friends house who was luckily home at 3 am.
I kicked her out a couple days later. Everything is good though, thank God, my ficus is in the gritty and healthier than ever! I love you, Al...I'm so glad I found this post (5 years later).
IAWT (In Al We Trust),
Mikey G