My nephew had been pestering my parents, his grandparents to let him stay overnight with them. Well, my Dad is half deaf and my mom is blind, so it is hard for them to entertain a 6 year old for any length of time, let alone an all-night visit. Well, he pestered and pestered and bugged them to no end about it. Finally my Dad said to him "Connor, you can stay overnight when you graduate from high school"...without missing a beat Connor says to him "You'll probably be dead by then!" Well, my Dad thought that was funny as he**.

As a teacher, I hear lots of things, but this one tops them all. Heard by a teacher who had one of the preschool students that I had worked with while in college.

It was the boy's first day of first grade- therefore his first all day experience. The bell rang for lunch, and he began to get ready to go home. His teacher explained that he needed to get in line and that he would be staying all day because he was in first grade now. His response was "Well who in the h--l signed me up for this?"

At our house, we often respond with this phrase now when we have to do something we don't really want to.

Take care,
Michelle

My son has asked my wife and I if we still "breed".
My daughter when younger used to come in and tell us the bull was dancing with a cow, we used to just let her think that but did tell her that is how they make babies. She has since learned what is going on.
My wife is a physician and my daughter used to ask her when she got home if anybody had laid any babies today.
We have never used silly names for body parts which has made for some weird looks when my kids were little and they mentioned penis and vagina while talking.
Jamie

Here are a few :

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in an out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or
stay out!'"

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little
girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor
leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes,
and my Mom says it's a bi*ch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember
Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's
growing in your but*?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two
plus five, that son of a bi*ch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a
bi*ch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are
you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bi*ch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

One day a teacher read the story Chicken Little to her class. She
came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the
farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
"The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the
class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*tt! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Well, my son didn't spare my blushes either! Like Jamie I always used correct anatomical terms, hoping that when DS got to the point where he was asking questions, I would be able to answer in a matter-of-fact way.

When Prince William was born we were reading about it in the newspaper and I happened to comment to my DH (now XH): "That was quick work!" never dreaming that our little fellow would think anything of it. "Yes," says DS. "and that reminds me I've been wanting to ask you..." So I explained simply but accurately how babies were made. "Oh," said DS. "That's very interesting. Is there any way you can do that and keep from having a baby?" I nearly fell off my chair. It was quite a morning!

Oh I really needed a good laugh,my poor son doesn't understand why I'm crying .I told him no I'm laughing.

I can remember when my kids were little, my son, then about 4or 5 was showing his little 2 yr old sister a children's book on the birth of a baby. He's going thru all the phases, then the birth, and I heard him say, "And that's the extension cord" for umbilical cord. - ELLEN

my 6 year old daughter loves pioneers and is always asking questions about them. One morning during breakfast she asked how pioneers made bread cause they couln't buy yeast like we do. My hubby said "they get it from the yeast tree!"
I started laughing and said "Don't lie to her" and she said "It's ok mommy I know yeast comes from there" pointed towards the road. We were puzzed and asked her how she knew that and she said pointing in all the right directions "Cause that's south that's west and that's north so that has to be yeast" needless to say we had a good laugh and I'm sure she thought we were crazy.

Great thread!

One day I couldn't find my husband anywhere outside. My son finally told me...
"Mom, be quiet. He's asleep in his nest."

He'd fallen asleep in the hammock!

Another...when he was in 2nd grade, he'd bring home his weekly list of vocabulary words and have to write sentences using them. One week, one of the words was 'endorse'. His sentence...

"I think I will play endorse." (indoors!)
That child made us laugh 'till we cried everyday...

When I was teaching, one of my kindergarteners walked in crying.

"She called me the B word!"

Well, with that age you need to know exactly what was said...butthead? birdbrain?...all the way to the really bad ones...and I'd already pretty much figured is was 'bi*ch' but had to be sure for dealing with it, and this child DID NOT want to repeat it.

"Honey, I need you to whisper it to me. Tell me exactly what she said so I can take care of it."

Suddenly she points to the offender and yells...

"She called me F*** Y**!!!"

I'm still looking for the "B-word" in that phrase!

When my daughter was two, she woke up to find our place blanketed in snow. She said, "mommy, look at all the SUGAR!"

One morning, my four year old grandaughter was watching me do my makeup and she finally said, "Mimi, whatcha doin'?" I said "I'm putting on my makeup so I'll look pretty" and she replied with great sincerity, "Well good, because you SURE don't look good without it!" It's become a family catch phrase now!

What a Hoot!
"Mom, the ratoons are getting into the trash again!"
We don't get cable or anything, just three channels via antenna, recently went to visit various family with "real Tv" Now the girls want to know when we are gonna fix our old tired tv with so many broken channels and get a new one.
"when I grow up I'm not going to have a farm so I won't have any stinky peacocks living in my house."
to younger sister;
"Way back in the olden days everything was black and white, I don't know when it changed to color. Hey mom, how did people know if their clothes matched if they didn't see color?"

I am new to this forum and I have to say I have completely enjoyed it! Great information, a place to ask questions and this thread is a hoot. I will share a few:
My sister's grandson was about 3 and had asked her if he could have a picture of her for his room. She thought that was a great idea and gave him one of her old graduation pictures in an antiquey type frame. Well she is considerably larger now than when she was in high school and when she gave him the picture he said "look Meme this is you when you had a little head"!
My grand daughter is always coming up with some good ones too. She loves to talk on the phone and always signs off with "I love you two bunches" which of course melts my heart. She also told me "Grandma you creek me up" when I had done something to amuse her. She has her own interpretation of most sayings.

DS (aged three) walked into the bathroom as I was stepping out of the shower. "Hey, Mom, how come you have all that hair?" he asked. (He was not pointing at my head.) I was calm and matter-of-fact. "Grown up people have hair there," I said, reaching for a towel. DS was unimpressed and proceded to do what he had come in for. "Well, I have a penis right now," he said complacently.

He'd KILL me if he knew I'd told... he's 29, but memories like that don't fade! ;-)

This is more embarassing than amusingbut,my son 4 likes to talk about the skunk that we are always catching eating the kcat food anyway he has trouble saying skunk he says c**t instead.Being that this is a nasty word I try to tell him that not everyone we see needs to here about our skunk.He still tells everyone.

Ann... you cringe now, but 20 years from now this same memory will bring a nostalgic smile... Trust me!

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time...:)

DD is 5 and she's just starting to show some modesty with her own body, so we have tried to respect that and show her some modesty as well - so a few weeks ago DH came out of the bathroom naked because there were no towels in the bathroom, he said "I'm sorry I'm not covered up Punkin', I forgot a towel", and she replies, "That's okay Daddy, I won't laugh at you".

And just a few minutes ago DH told DD that tomorrow we are going to a wedding for his niece who had a baby 9 months ago. DD looked confused and said "Did the forget to get married when Wyatt was born?".

Oh gosh, just remembered an event with my son who when he was just a little guy getting a bath in the kitchen sink and being that certain parts react to warm water up out of the water it came. He poked it under the water and up it came again and then he held it under the water for a minute and was successful at keeping it under the water. Then he said "oh I drowned him"!
He would not be happy with me for telling this story as he is now 35!

My oldest daughter had such a naive streak about her when she was younger. Living in a rural area as we all do, we took her and a friend to St. Louis when she was four. When we got to the city, we were "wowing" the girls by showing them the planes as they flew over. The plane went out of sight behind the buildings and my little one said, "Oh, it fell down!"
When we finally came home from our trip we were on one of the backroads into town and she said "Look, there aren't any cars!"

We've always had computers during our 11 year old daughter's life. She's had one of our hand-me-downs since she was four. She assumed everyone had always had computers. I'm 40 - there was one computer in my high school that tapped into the nearby university. They weren't in every classroom and schools didn't have computer labs that kindergarteners went to twice a week back in the "old days."

When she was four she asked, "Mum, what kind of computer did you have when you were a kid?" I said I didn't have a computer when I was a kid and was ready to explain why when she shot back with, "That's too bad. Didn't your parents think you were smart enough for one?"

Diane, I agree with your Dad about Conner. That is funny as he**!

When my son lost his first tooth and the "tooth fairy" came to visit him, he came running out of his room with his dollar crying. I asked him what's wrong and he said that all he got was a dollar from the tooth fairy and I said well what did you expect? He expected jewlery, he said that the tooth fairy brought jewlery and forgot to leave him some. I have no idea where he got that idea but have never forgot it....

Nobody could read this thread without finishing in a good mood!
Now I'll add one of my son's:
When he was 3 & taking a bath he wanted to be alone, so I was straightening a linen closet to keep an eye on him. He got very quiet, so peering around the door I asked "What 'cha doing?"
"Oh, just laying here thinking & watching my kidney float."

My sister came up with one of her little girls (6 years old) to visit my parents. They play a lot of rummy at her house and her little girl wanted to play rummy with my mom. My mom didn't know how to play so Suzie offered to teach her. The problem was that the game was really a game of Rummy-according-to-Suzie. My mom could never figure out the rules because they kept changing. Finally in exasperation, Suzie looked at my mom and simply said, "It must be awful to get old."

My daughter always told people that, instead of wearing glasses, her mom put tomcats in her eyes.

Of my three boys my 4-year-old David loves our chickens the most. He was very upset when one of our baby chicks disappeared, one we had bought as a companion for another new chick who wouldn't stop peeping if left alone. I planned to buy another companion chick that same day & phoned the local stores to see who had some available. Only an exotic pet store in town had any chicks to sell. "Get in the van, Dave", I said, "we're going to buy another chick to keep Bebe company." "Are we going to the Red Barn (the local feed store)?" he asked. "No, to a pet store", I answered. He groaned, "MO-ommm, not a PARakeet!"

OK, here's one from my son that I will never forget. He was at Grandma's for the day, and Dad picked him up after work. He was only 2 or 3, talking, but not always making sense to the adults. He told Grandma "See ya later, I'm going home and help my Dad throw walnuts." No one had a clue what he was talking about, and it was forgotten. When they got home, DH sees that the pony is out. This pony had a thing about DH, never let him catch him. Well, to get him headed in the right direction, DH, in desperation, starts throwing walnuts at him. Son starts throwing walnuts. Never had done this before or since! Son is helping dad throw walnuts! Too wierd. Kid freaked me out at least 4 other times, but this was the most memorable. Soon after this one, he said Mommy if you go to work, I'll never see you again. Guess what, I stayed home that day. He has quit that now that he is older.

Now that one gave me the chills... Thanks everyone for giving me a laugh. My brood is giving me a headache today and it is good to remember how wonderful kids can be most of the time!

I don't, nor have I ever lived on a farm but I love this forum, the subject fascinates me. I hope I'm allowed to post here as a solid suburbanite. :o) Having worked as a nanny for 7+ years and with 6 younger siblings I have lots of funny kid stories. When the little boy I used to take care of was 3 or so we were at his grandparents' house with no "potty seat" and he asked me, "Jess.. can you hold my little bottom up so it doesn't fall in the potty?" Cute!

When his sister came home from the hospital he was under the impression that this strange little bundle was just here for a visit. One day he asked me when she was going back to the hospital. I don't think he ever fully recovered from the disappointment of my answer! It must have been confusing because his mom's an OB/GYN so he had a vague impression that mommy "talivered" babies when she was at work, like she was an offshoot of Fedex. He must have thought she'd just picked an extra one up and brought it home!

My son was about three when, during a drive, he spotted a jogger. He started laughing and said "Hey, that guy forgot his car!"

We still tease him about it whenever we see someone running. He's six now and has already noticed he'll never live it down... ;-)

I grew up on a farm. We had a very big family-6 boys and 3 girls. I am the youngest boy. When I was about 8 years old we were out in the field harvesting Potatoes. Our Potato combine broke down-the apron jumped off the gears and basically self-destructed. I got all worked up and told my dad "It just started snapping, it just started snapping!" After a good laugh they repaired the combine. To this day if something breaks down, the joke is "It just started snapping!" (I'm 42 now) LOL.

Sorry I just had to add another.Last night I was baking and my son comes up behind." Mom why is your hair falling out?" I said what do you mean? He says "When you brush your hair it falls out" So I tell him mommy has long hair that sometimes gets tangled and tears when I brush it.Then as a last thought I added ,"And besides mommy is getting kind of old."Well I nearly died when he asked me if that meant I'd half to go to the scrapyard!

My nine year old son was getting frustrated with our little roo, Prince Hairy, because he kept jumping on his little hens back and biting her head. "we need to pen Prince Hairy, Mom he keeps being mean to Little girl". I looked at my husband and said you want to take this one, he smiled and said, "No." and walked off laughing. I explained what was taking place and told him that if they did not do that then there would be no little chickies in the eggs that one of our hens was setting on. He smirked, and said, "I don't believe you." Shocked I said, "You think I am lying?" He said no, "I believe you think that, but I don't believe that you know what you are talking about." !!!!! little turkey!!

My husband has a construction business ,alot of people stop in with thier kids.They want to see the animals.The one boy saw our cow kinda humped over peeing.The kid said "look dad hes puming milk."
Another little boy loved our horses.He said he wanted to take one home.I said do you have a place to keep him.He said "yeah under my bed."

I have to add this one that just happened yesterday. We were driving and got pelted by a sudden rainstorm - I could actually see the sheets of rain up ahead and I slowed down because it looked heavy. There was a few seconds that we couldn't see anything at all - just grey (it was actually very scary!). When that torent subsided, DD said,
"Whew! I'm glad we made it out of that potato!"

I think she thought we were in a tornado ;)

Having older brothers has effected my DD.

My daughter Shelby went running by the couch & the recliner was up, she happened to hit herself right in the privates.
She started rolling around on the couch, hands between her legs. Moaning, my balls, my balls, oh man, my balls.
I laughed so hard I had tears rolling down my face.

ShelbyRayMom,

This visual had tears rolling also. Here's another.

My teenage daugher was always after me to shave my big toes. Says it wasn't cool to have hair growing there. I responded with,"My feet look like my Dad's and they remind me of him." (He'd recently passed away.) She thought it was a lame excuse but I held my ground. One night I was babysitting my three year old niece Lauren who accompanied me to my evening bath. I put my leg out on the edge of the tub for shaving and she spotted my toes saying, "Aunt Sheri, why do you have beard on your toes?" I shaved.

sooo funny! when my youngest son was a bit younger, he and i were out with the goats and the buck started doing his thing. my son watched a bit then
"what are THEY doing?"
"that is how baby goats are made, one part is in the doe and the other is in the buck and that is how they put the two parts together."
long silence then(very disgusted)
well i'm glad you and daddy don't do THAT any more!

We just got back from Vegas and yesterday my son asked how we liked their Wal-Mart. I told him we did not go to one there and he said "that's too bad cause I bet it would have been a nice one!"

This morning my daughter was reading a new animal book she has and yelled through the house, "dad, do you know what a female dog is called?". Before I could answer she yelled out, "it's called a bi**h". She then said to my son do you know what a female cat is called? He of course said, "proably a bi**h"!

Jamie

Jamie,
I have been in the Vegas Wal-Mart... just like the rest of them!
DH and I actually got married in VEgas in a "drive-through". Very tacky, and very fun. Oh, and cheap to boot!

Erin, I don't think I will tell him it is like the others and will let his imagination run wild with the thought of a lavish Wal-Mart!!

Jamie

When my nephew was little, he was a very active child, and didn't pronounce all his words clearly. My mom, tends to ignore things, and really didn't hear him clearly. I was in the other room , and clearly heard the whole exchange.
Chad, all excited, "look gwanma a dead buuurd, look, a dead buuuurd, gwanma look, a dead buuuuurd!" Finally she turns to see what he is talking about and screeched "AAAGGHHH! A DEAD BIRD!!!" I said, that's what he said :0)

I read this on the internet the other day.

A mom was having trouble potty training her soon to be 3 yo. son and they had made a quick stop at a Taco Bell for lunch when the mom detected an odor. She first checked her baby and it's diaper was fine so she asked the boy if he had had an accident and the boy said no. She continued to eat and kept smelling poop and asked him again if he had an accident and he again said no. She began to get angry as she did not have a change of clothes for him and asked again if he had an accident and the boy got up, pulled his pants down, pointed his butt at his mom, and said see, no poop, it's farts, it's just farts! Everyone in the place about fell off thier chairs laughing their heads off.

Jamie

The other day my 9 yo. was being very good playing with her 2 yo. sister with some dolls. My son not wanting to be left out of the mix got a G.I. Joe and joined in. My oldest told him to get out and I told her that if my son wanted to play with his doll with them she better let him as he was being good.

My son shot me this "look" and then said, "dad, it's not a doll. IT's AN ACTION FIGURE!"

Jamie

Yeah DAD Get it right! My kids do stuff like that too. Smarty pants! That's what they are!

Caren

Just before Christmas my youngest daughter Kathryn (5) had Bronchitis she coughed on her sister Caitlin (9). Caitlin said, "Don't cough on me you have Indonesia."

My 4 year old son had just seen the movie "the Point" there is a song called me and my arrow (arrow is the dog) -- and my son was singing that song the next days, but was saying "me and my harrow"---me not knowing there was such a thing as a harrow continued to correct him and he kept saying harrow- well....then I read one of his library books to him(one that his dad had read before) and it was about farms and tractors, and there on the page where they write about plows, the next step in preparing the soil is using a harrow---he had to have heard it there---maybe he is trying to tell us we should move to a farm!

I finally got together an oldies CD, good old songs to get you rockin and rollin. Figured it'd help get me moving to work out. 8 yr old DS asked "Hey Mom, why ya working out?" I said "so I'll be skinny and sexy by summer bikini season." "Ha! Good one Mom. No really, why are you working out?"

A little while ago my 5 year old dd came into the kitchen and asked if the cats could come in (the barn cats). I asked her why, and she said, "Because they're on the deck and Ord is on top of Flower trying to keep her warm"......

thank goodness Flower has been to the vet already :) Ord is next!