My daughter got married at 19 years old...shortly after the wedding, she discovered her husband was addicted to cocaine. His MOTHER was his dealer. Daughter never got into drugs herself, but she was an enabler, trying to make things seem better than they were. BUT, being her parents, we could see what a disaster their relationship was. For about a year, we "helped her out" by paying bills, giving her money, etc...only to discover that her husband would take her entire paycheck and spend it on drugs or his girlfriends or whatever before the bills were paid...and would steal the money we'd given from her no matter where she found to hide it.

We tried everything to get her to take the hint that her marriage was a disaster and that she needed to accept that he wasn't willing to change. We finally just got to the point where we had to tell her "no more". We told her we would not be helping them at all financially, that we couldn't deal with the pain her choices were causing us.

It was the most difficult thing I have ever done...telling her the umbilical chord had been cut and then driving away leaving her with him. BUT, once she actually hit rock bottom (something our "help" had prevented her from doing) she very quickly realized that this was not how she wanted to live her life. I cried for days knowing that I had just left my "baby girl" in a dangerous situation without the option of running to us for help. Once she was able to see what her life was REALLY like (instead of the way it was with our coming to the rescue constantly) she decided very quickly she didn't want to live like that any more. She left him, filed for divorce and never looked back. She learned to immediately cut any toxic people out of her life the minute she discovers their toxicity, and met her now-husband (of 16 years)...the father of our 3 grandchildren and a WONDERFUL man. She's a great mother, a loving wife, a terrific daughter and best of all, she makes GOOD decisions.

My point being that walking away and making them stand on their own two feet is VERY hard to do, but until we do it, they aren't really living the consequences of their actions. I think you're doing the right thing not running to her rescue...even though she will attempt to blame her situation on you. I believe that leaving them to the outcomes of their life choices is really the only way to give them a glimpse of what their choices are doing to them. I wish you well. Hang in there. I know it's hard being where you are right now...but this too will pass! I'll put you on my prayer list!

My DH died young.48 & my DS was 1 mo. from 18 yrs old. I had to tell him he had to get out & make his own way, he had been working but not paying rent & I knew he would always be "short" of cash as he hadn't learned to budget yet even tho I had tried. I told him I would be there to give him as much guidance as possible, he floundered & made a couple of bad choices in roommates, cars or trucks etc but I told all the relatives, give him food or go with him to get some gas in his vehicle but no money! He came around probably took 5 yrs to stop changing jobs, start looking at future & what he wanted out of life but he is doing very well now. I knew he had taken some street drugs but state he moved to requires blood tests for drugs if you want to work anywhere!! Very smart move & all states should require them. Would cut down on that stuff as the 1 thing most kids want to do is make some money. If they knew they couldn't get jobs they might not start in 1st place. Tough Love is hard but you get better results faster. The concern I have in your letter is why you are involved "she is not following through with me on things things she is supposed to" She's a grown woman. Anything she has to do should be done on her own. She is leaning on you as a safety net & expecting you to bail her out or take the hurt away. She needs to "put on her big girl pants & make her own decisions & if they are bad suffer the consequences! My son had skipped school in jr. high & police called me & told me to come & get him. I said "NO" Police were shocked. I said it is very simple, I've always told him if he ever skipped school don't expect me to bail you out. No way am I going back on my word!! I told them they could bring him home when they got around to it. (My dad found out & did eventually go & get him) he remembers that & tells me he never forgot that lesson & never skipped school again. DH stood with our decision also. I know it hurts but you are helping her stay in trouble by never making her face her problems head on. Good Luck to you & please don't cave in, one day you will have a good relationship if you don't. You may have to spell it out to her tho. She has to grow up & you can't hold her hand any longer. Hugs & prayers that she will wake up & face whatever she has to & shape up. Jan

You are right. I need to hold my ground. I have given her some food and gas, and she was supposed to help me in return and hasn't. She is different than she was 3 or 4 years ago. I'm pretty sure its prescription drugs. We've had to start locking our doors for the first time in our lives because she has stolen from us. By the way she lives nearby.
The hardest thing will be to stand aside when the real life changing consequences come.
Thank goodness she doesn't have children. I feel bad for her kitty cats.
Thank you again. I know what I need to do, I just need to hear it from someone else.
Kathy

I haven't had any of those issues with my DD, but I do remember when I was young my brother got into shoplifting. He always had a ton of money in his pocket, but liked the thrill of seeing if he could take something without getting caught. One night, the police chased him all over town and he evaded them and got home, but he thought they would come for him there. When he told my mom what he had done and begged her not to turn him in if the police came, she said that she would have no part of it and if they came for him, she would let them take him. He was so scared and so shocked, I don't think he took another thing after that. So, I'd say stick to your guns! And, at 30 years old, your foster daughter needs to be getting a clue about being responsible for her own actions. You're doing the right thing...even though it's a very hard thing to watch happen.

Tough love. That's what they called it for a while. And it's tough for everyone concerned, but you will all be better off in the long run. You've gotten good advice from those that answered that have been through it. You already knew the answer and it's the right one. It is your problem, but also your responsibility is to not enable her to keep doing the wrong things. A 30 yrs old is an adult and has to take responsibility for themselves.

You mentioned prescription drugs might be part of your daughters' problem. My son is 30 also and has gone through his own share of learning he just did most of it when he was younger. I just wanted to add that a couple of girls he has brought home lately have prescriptions right from the Dr. because the Dr. has convinced them they need it. (?) I am quite amazed (not the right word, but I can't think of another) at the rampant use of prescription drugs among our young people. I don't think they realize how strong they are and how detrimental they can be. It really concerns me that the drugs they advertise as making you "feel like yourself again", is the last thing those drugs are doing. You're no where near "yourself".

My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is. But if you make it too easy for her to do the wrong thing she will never have any incentive to do the right thing. On her own. And that really is our job as mothers is to teach them how to live without us.

Hang in there,
Donna

Kathy,
Well, my boys are not old enough yet...but I know from personal experience. Parents can tell their kids till they are blue in the face, preachy, annoying. WE do our very best to protect them from the world. BUT 'ONE' generally has to learn life by experiencing it themselves. Consequences from our own decisions, whether good or bad, hopefully will be all the test we need. Unfortunatley I hear about a lot of people who use drugs(whether prescription or not), alcohol, eating, shopping, anger, pornography, etc...as their 'crutch' to get away from the realities of life. The problem is that the reality of life is still there long after they've come out of the fog of their crutch. Teaching them how to deal with life is what we try our best to do. Eventually they must sink or swim. WE did, right? Hang in there and resist the urge to "help". In NOT helping you are helping.
Love, Jules

When she turned 18 near the end of her senior year of HS, she stopped going to classes and flunked 2 classes (had to make up later to get diploma) and didn't work and just wanted to run around with her friends. I told her she couldn't live with us if she didn't work and she still wouldn't get a job so I dropped her off one night at her boyfriends car at his work and left her there (and cried as I drove away). She straightened out for a short time and got a job and an apartment then messed up and then moved far away and had bad experiences (but she did complete a college psychology class out there that counted toward her HS diploma) and returned to older bio siblings (who are very good at setting limits) in nearby state and did ok for a few months then got irresponsible again and went off to Florida where things fell apart and on and on.
It just seems like when she learns from mistakes its only temporary though sometimes for as long as a year or 2. Now that I think of it, it seems like the responsible times are lasting longer than they used to. I guess I'll just have to pin my hope on that.
This time she and her boyfriend are both giving up smoking (she got the patch) so they have more money. Both of them are underemployed, and they are not the most desirable workers so its fortunate they work at all in this economy. Most of his check goes for child support. We saw them today cuz they brought 2 of his cute children for an Easter egg hunt at our house (which they did all the preparations for) because there is no yard where she lives. I was so angry at first that I wasn't even going to let them do that, but my dh said this is the kind of thing that is ok.
Thanks again for your support. I am going to stay out of all her/their problems. I don't even want to hear about them.
Kathy

Kathy, I'm glad you let the kids have the egg hunt, not their fault parents are messed up. Since they did work getting ready for it that shows some responsibility so good start. I think some people have to be 40 or so before they figure it all out. Don't know if they are slow at learning what makes a responsible person or maybe just tune out & finally "lightbulb" goes on. 2 of his kids??? That's a little scary, how many more?? He may not ever have much money cause if he gets better job more of it will go to child support. Lots of ways to be more employable, get to work on time or even little early, do all of your work, don't complain,etc. dress neat & clean etc. Then take some courses at college,glad your FD did that so she got her diploma, she may be finding her way but sometimes hard to tell if they slip back some. You always want communications open, never reject her as she had that happen already being removed from 1st home,just don't enable her. Fine line & hard to do. Try not to show her you are upset, it may be pushing her buttons. Hang in there!