A large birdhouse or a weather vane on top, and hanging plant and or birdfeeders attached to the sides. Alternatively somehow make it into a bottle tree.
Good luck. I want to see pics when you decide!
Kathy

Looks like a great opportunity for hanging a bunch of stuff like windchimes, chandeliers, beads. Mix it up, have fun! You can drill holes for plant hangers right into the trunk. For bottles, drill angled holes and glue dowels or large spiky nails in.

A whirly roof turbine on top would be fun too.

First off, have you tried talking to it? Finding out what's really bothering it? What it wants to be?
But...... I'm guessing if you took a chainsaw to it you might be past that point.
Group therapy (it has really helped me) might be a start. Invite a couple trees in the neighborhood over, share weird parent stories. Get him to open up, talk things out.
Do you have a psychiatric evaluation? Did they recommend drugs? A large dose of drugs might calm him down to the point you could work with him.
I have had frequent unintentional electro-shock treatments and after the first minute or 2 of jumping up and down and screaming, I'm a calmer person ready to read the directions and get with the program. That might be something to look into.
If all that fails, slap a tin foil hat on top of him and build a tree house/gazebo around him.

Sorry, that totem gone bad title cracked me up. I think I have been out in the sun too long today.

I can picture this as a massive Bottle Tree ! You don;t have to worry about hurting the tree by pounding spikes in it. It would be alot of work , but can you imagine the look of it ? !

Otherwise -- I can see all kinds of decorative birdhouses going up and down and all around ( not working houses - just fancy ones ) You have an awesome "diamond in the rough" there to play with . Lucky you !!!

I have a tree just like yours and I put a couple of birdhouses on it and the birds just love them. If you have a problem with cats in the area, wrap some chicken wire just below the birdhouses and the cats will leave them alone.

rockoakdeer:I have been collecting blue bottles. I guess I can use them on him somehow
concretenprimroses I like the idea of a birdhouse on top. Maybe they will stop nesting in my topsy turver planter then. LOL
tinfoilhat LOL I did not cut him down myself I had to have it cut down before it fell on my house. He had ants in his pants!
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toomuchglass: what kind of spikes are you referring to?
chelcass do you have a photo? would love to see it

Tinfoilhat. ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLL that was great!

I like all the suggestions, but no one mentioned a 'tree face'!
I think he needs a face, AND some of the other stuff!
I have seen some cute ones made from scrap things!

You can get 65D nails at the big box stores. HD sells them for about .19 (when did they remove the cents symbol from the keyboard. Haven't noticed that it isn't there before.) They are long enough to pound in and leave enough out to hang bottles on.

I agree that some of the black iron plant hangers holding baskets of flowers + windchimes and some bottles thrown in for good measure would look awesome!

I was just thinking of long-ish rods pounded into a predrilled hole. I think they even make long screws .

tinfoilhat that is really funny! Really! That bad boy needs some tough love.

I used dowels on my sunflower bottle tree to create leaves in blank spots, but you could do the same with long nails.

If you do the bottle tree with blue bottles, I would try just the bottles at first since blue bottles really look great in a simple arrangement with just the blue.

Here is a link that might be useful: Sunflower bottle tree

okay I just got an inspiration a tree face with bottles angled out of the top sides and front to be like hair and some sort of whirlygig on top for it to always be in motion. LOL whimsy!!

I like the sunflower bottle tree.

The reason I have not used the bottles is because I am afraid of sticking them out there and getting blown down by the wind. I would hate to have broken glass all over the place.

How long are 65D nails? (and no there is not a cents symbol on the keyboard...which makes no sense). How far do you think I have to drive the nails in order to make sure the bottles are properly supported? I know I am over thinking this,,,can't be this dang hard LOL
searching for tree faces and whirleygigs now...

Tinfoilhat might be on to something. Make a cone shaped hat for his head & cover him with sheet aluminum. Could have him holding couple of hangers with plants. Another thing I thought of was to get a couple of plastic kids horses & paint up & have your own version of a "Merry-go-round" attach them with thick rope toward top of pole down to bridles. Could still have birdhouse on top of that. Jan

I'm sitting here cracking up....and Tinfoilhat, YOU started it. LOL.
Being in Phoenix, I can definitely see how the sun has gotten to you! Wear a different hat, and stay in the shade!
(then again, maybe not. I love your whimsy.)

hugs, Karen

I agree with others that it would make an awesome bottle tree. I really like msjay2u's idea of the face with the bottles coming out like hair. I would think if you use long enough rods/galvanized nails, your bottles wouldn't blow off ... well unless you have a tornado. Although they might make a weird noise with the wind blowing through them.

tinfoilhat, you really are nuts! lol! I say that with the kindest intentions (you remind me of my husband).

Oh, the bottom of the tree trunk looks like a perfect place for a pc of garden sculpture...like an cherub angel laying on it's side reading a book ... maybe the kids' book, "Ant Bully" by author, John Nickle (LOL) ...

& I can see some lovely natural finished birdhses spaced around the trunk near the top...also a pitched roof over the trunk top...made of wood shingles or something...and some Ivy or something planted at the base (looks like something is growing there)...whatever, have fun! Jeanne s.

Some really good ideas here already. Have another one. Turn it into a gnome/fairy high rise. Attach small house fronts/windows, protruding roofs, porches, stairs, mail boxes, swings, whatever all around the sides. The indentation in the bottom of the trunk is a perfect place for the entrance door/elevator/stairs. Put a large whimsical roof on top.
Tinfoilhat... love your sense of humor... it's a wonderful thing!

I like the tree face idea, but could be cause I have one. I have a clematis growing on one side of tree and face on the other side. I have trained the vine up the tree and around up over the face. I love how he keeps an eye on others. I would put some type of spiky grass on top, but I know there is so much more creativity here. Look forward to seeing your finished totem.
Suzq

My former neighbors had a stump like that that had one long branch off it for some reason. They found a plastic monkey that hangs by one arm and hung it from the tree branch and called it their monkey tree. I have NO idea what the significance of the whole thing was, but they also painted it white and put a nearly full-size concrete mariachi band (8 figures) under the monkey tree. It was the talk of the neighborhood...and you could personalize it by putting a big colander upside down on top of it...tin foil hats don't hold up well in the weather! Whatever you decide...post pics...with all the suggestions, you're sure to come up with something interesting!

We used re-bar for the rods. Put a bottle on the long piece of re-bar, and decide how much needs to go into the tree, and cut with at grinder where it needs cutting. That way it will be long enough for bottle not to fall off. Does that make sense the way I said it?????

Thanks for all the ideas. I put an ad on Craigslist for someone to carve a totem pole for me. chainsaw carving that somone mentioned. I also liked the tree face idea. I was going crazy thinking about these blue bottles I have and idea after idea came to mind. I then was working and saw a tree trunk that somone planted a garden in top. I did not like it...looked garish.
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so I scrapped the whole bottle tree idea for the tree (but not totally). I started searching the Internet frantically trying to find a good inspiration by searching chainsaw carvings and tree trunk carvings and I came up with this. I love love love it.
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finished product...
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I am trying to find someone to do this. What do you think would be a reasonable price??? I am going to paint her with Creosote and stain her hair black. put some gem rocks on her neckline and maybe do the area below her necline a color to resemble a dress. I am so excited!!!