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| My husband started taking down the dead tree in the backyard over the weekend, while I was out of town on a business trip. He didn't tell me he was going to do this. I knew it would have to be done sometime, but if I had had a choice, I would have asked that it be done in the fall when everything in the main garden had stopped blooming.
At first when I saw the top half of the tree, a trunk about 5 inches in diameter, (which is really about half the tree, as it was Y shaped) in the yard laying near the garden, I thought, "Oh, good. He was able to drop it carefully and miss the garden." Then about an hour later I went out looked more closely, and saw that, no, it didn't miss the garden. Instead, a group of my most prized lilies are now top less, or smashed off at the base. Lilies bloom only at the top, so that means no flowers for this year. My orienpet lily Honeymoon had 25 buds on it this year! Not anymore. He had to have seen it, as he obviously needed to pull the trunk off the garden. Other things that aren't lilies are smashed up too, but can be propped up again, or don't have buds yet anyway. The lily death toll alone is at least 15. At I got home last night after he was in bed, so he wasn't able to tell me about it. But I wonder if he would have? I'll have to see what he says when he gets home. I doubt if he will consider that it requires an apology. It wouldn't take much to mollify me, just something like, "I'm sorry I smashed up your garden, but I HAD to take that tree down this weekend." (Though WHY? Why couldn't it wait? It only died this year.) That would do it. But I doubt if I will get even that, as he apologizes for nothing, or at least hasn't in many years (not to me, at any rate). I'm feeling pretty mad right now, but don't want it to spoil my day. I stopped at a wonderful nursery on my way home yesterday and want to enjoy planting my annuals. I'm going to go put the I Pod on and listen to music while I garden, because I need to get this out of my head. Thanks for letting me vent. |
Follow-Up Postings:
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- Posted by cearbhaill Zone 6b Eastern KY (My Page) on Tue, Jun 14, 11 at 16:26
| I'll feel bad with you. I'd be expecting some mighty fine nursery gift certificates coming my way in an attempt to make it up to me. I've had some mammoth oaks taken out, but hired it done and found a firm so skilled that they can drop a tree anywhere you tell them you want it. It's a sight to see. |
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- Posted by ken_adrian z5 (My Page) on Tue, Jun 14, 11 at 16:31
| My husband started taking down the dead tree ===>>> at this point.. i knew the rest of the story was not going to be pretty .. lol .. every problem .. creates an opportunity ... even if it is just guilt.. lol ... take a chill.. he wanted to help.. it didnt work out ... so what.. in the greater realm of things ... think about taking care of 5 acres by yourself.. and wishing someone would offer to do ANYTHING???? i might even be happy they crush something.. just 'trying' to take care of something.. at least i wouldnt have to deal with the crushed stuff this year ... baffled him.. hand him a 12 pack when he walks in.. and thank him FOR TRYING .... see if he comes up with a response to that .. probably be speechless for an hour.. lol ... ken |
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| Ken, is this a guy thing? Where ever Linnea was when the deed was....no let me make this an "I" statement. Linnea, When this happened to me...almost identical circumstances, except I knew my husband was about to do it....and I drove up, I saw the tree lying straight across the garden bed. The daphne took a full hit. I took one look at his face; he was horrified, chagrined, apologetic and expected me to blow a fuse. I might have...but for his face. I can be pretty unpleasant when po'd, but after the astonishment passed (several minutes and several walks around the tree) I thought it was hysterically funny. The poor guy..... I can't imagine why a note on the kitchen table, a phone call (uh...something unforeseen happened, honey) wouldn't have been a nice thing to do. I gotta say, the 'bring the dude a six pack' response absolutely eludes me.... BTW, at least 12 years later, that daphne is a big honkin' monster. I can't prune it fast enough; it must be at least 4 feet wide. it has got the weirdest bend in its trunk. I never look at it without thinking of my husband's face....oh how I wish I had a picture.... Marie |
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| I feel for you. But my luck this year has been to come home from a business trip and the dead tree fell on its own in the middle of the garden. The second dead tree fell across the driveway. I am like Ken I do not have a DH to take care of a tree when needed. I have to call in the tree guy. I was to busy and thought I could wait when I had more time. Dead trees wait for no one. Since you said it was dead DH took it down but if Mother Nature had taken it down she also would not have cared about your flower garden or that when you come home from a long business trip you would like to drive down your driveway. A dead tree can come down any time. |
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- Posted by hostaholic2 zone 4 MN (My Page) on Tue, Jun 14, 11 at 21:48
| Personally, I'm with Ken on this. Not that I wouldn't be PO'd myself, I would. But the honey I know you tried....but please the next time could it wait until the fall or hire someone to do it route is I think the way to go. Guilt works much better than blowing your (or my) top and then having them respond in kind. (And the 6 pack can only add to the guilt.) (I am so bad.) |
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| I had no idea he was going to do this. I had texted him on Sunday, when I was still out of town, asking him what he was doing. He texted back, "Gardening." Gardening?! He doesn't garden. He mows, he trims bushes. I figured it was a question of semantics, and he was calling one of those "gardening." Now I know that sawing down a tree also falls under the heading of "gardening." I had mentioned calling a tree service as few weeks ago, when we realized the tree wasn't just "leafing out late." He said nothing at the time, but I'm guessing that's when he got the idea, as he's too frugal/cheap to hire anyone. He's never taken down a tree: the most he's done is watch someone do it. When I woke up this morning and saw the limbed tree laying in the yard, I was horrified. That was hours before I saw the garden damage. What's more, he did it with a handheld circular saw. I thought it was far too dangerous to do. I wasn't even home to call an ambulance if need be: he was home alone. I didn't blow my top, if I did that it wouldn't be productive. I had calmed down by the time he came home. The most I said was, "I saw you took down part of the tree in the back yard." He said, "Yes, it was a lot of work, and there's a lot more work left to do." I said, "I'll be home next Sunday. Can you please wait to do the rest until I am around?" He didn't see the point, and with his machismo at stake, I didn't beat it into the ground. He made no mention of the smashed plants. I had picked up a number of the severed lily stems and put them in a vase on the kicthen counter (not that they will bloom, the buds are too small). That was my way of wordlessly saying, "I saw this." |
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| I would be furious. He's being selfish--"he's never taken down a tree before" so he had no idea whatsoever of what was involved. And he never apologized!! Never even left you a note. What a jerk! Sorry, you probably love the guy. But if he were my guy, I'd let him have it. |
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- Posted by brightonborn (My Page) on Wed, Jun 15, 11 at 6:11
| Ditto what lacyvail said !!!! |
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| Sounds like something my boyfriend would do. Doesn't have much regard for my plants. Thinks it's funny when the dog runs through my flower beds. He should have waited until the fall when things are going dormant. You waited a long time to see your lilies bloom, now you have to wait another year. The tree will still be there in the fall to be cut down, not like it's going anywhere. That's what people who aren't into plants don't understand, that we who are flower gurus wait a whole year for our plants to flower, we get excited because this year will be the best year the garden has looked, only you have to rip everything out because now they've decided they're going to rebuild a new garage and all your hard work is in the way and means nothing. Good side, there's the whole starting over. (Sorry, that was a mini rant for myself.) Sorry this happened to you, you have my sympathies because I've gone through similar things, and surely will go through more in the future. Really, our significant others are good, they just need to respect our gardening hobby like we respect their hobbies. Karen |
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- Posted by ken_adrian z5 (My Page) on Wed, Jun 15, 11 at 8:00
| i washed the laundry.. you didnt do it right.. i did the dishes .. you didnt do it right.. i vacuumed .. you missed the corner .. you didnt do it good enough ... i raked the leaves.. those were the wrong ones ... i tried to get rid of a dead tree ... oh you dirty thoughtless fool .. what were you thinking ... pshaw ... he was thinking of you.. he was trying to help.. he did the best he could .. and all you dear spouses can do is complain ... IT WASNT A GOOD ENOUGH JOB ... pshaw squared ... isnt it more about intentions.. rather than result.. though we would hope for a better result .. would you prefer he ignore you.. and not offer to help ... as to this: I gotta say, the 'bring the dude a six pack' response absolutely eludes me.... ===>>> substitute any vice ... reward him for the thought .. the effort ... the intent ... crimminey .. the plants will grow back ... losing the respect of your spouse .. may or may not .. its a garden ... not the end of the world ... i am surprised how many of you insist on crucifying the guy for trying to help ... and i would say it the other way ... if the gender were switched ... ken
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| I have to agree that the guy did it and without even being nagged. Whoa! What a guy. :) Like I've never done something that wasn't the smartest in my garden. Now for me, I would have wanted it out of there right then and would have had to pay for it. Now if I paid for it and they did that, I would not be happy. Really how good can a garden look with a big ole dead tree close by? Nope I want it done now. 12 pack? Heck I say it warrents a whole case! Cher |
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| I never criticize him. Ever. He does not accept criticism. I never nag. I stopped doing that about 30 years ago. It just made him more stubborn. I don't ask him to do anything. I do what I feel I need to do around the house/yard, and he does what he feel he needs to do. We each have our skills, and do what we do best. I decided a long time ago that if I was picky about how something should be done, then I should do it myself. I'm a fussy painter, therefore I paint. I'm a fussy gardener, therefore I plant. If he cooks dinner, even if I don't like it, I say "thank you." But I don't think it's being picky to want a tree taken down professionally, and to prefer it not hit the garden. I thought it was a dangerous thing to do, and since the tree just died, the wood is not dry yet. I wanted to wait until fall. Better yet, I wanted to hire someone. He didn't tell me he was going to do this, probably because he knew I'd object. I should not have brought this up here, but I was venting. |
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| We all need to vent sometimes. I think I would be most upset at the fact that he attempted this while alone. Wow. Pretty scary. You could have lost a lot more than the lilies. I'm sorry about your garden. Hopefully it will all recover - well, except for the lilies, at least for this year. You should treat yourself to a lily bouquet from the florist once a week for the summer! (Well, actually, HE should treat you to it, lol, but that most likely won't happen, if he's like my DH, so make sure you treat yourself!) Dee |
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| This thread reminds me of the rant I posted about my boyfriend driving over my hosta bed with a jet ski trailer last year, and how he could have prevented doing so if only he drove out a little farther. Eh, we all need to vent sometimes. BTW, the hostas he smashed came back smaller this year. Maybe they'll be on track next year. Karen |
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| I would have been horrified, and definitely would have to vent. The lilies would be distressing, but I've heard too many horror stories of people who tried to do this type of chore themselves & get hurt. Sounds like he did not have adequate equipment to do that type of job, very dangerous I would think. I'm glad it was your lilies rather than your house or him. Frustrating though, not to at least get a shamefaced look. Sounds like your lilies just lost buds? At least you will have blooms next year, I might worry if they were cut back to the ground. Not much consolation now, but it really could be worse. Fortunately for me, I seem to have planted true fear in my husband, he doesn't touch any shrub of plant without my knowledge. I don't ever remember chewing him out, beating him or anything, but that is his reason for not doing stuff :) |
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- Posted by deanna_in_nh 5a/4b (My Page) on Wed, Jun 15, 11 at 22:07
| Sometimes venting is good! My husband wouldn't take down a tree. If we were flat broke, the tree would stay right where it was. (And, he isn't good at the apology thing, either.) But, in the realm of give and take, I agree with ken. He did something constructive, and he ruined things that are alive and will grow again. How many husbands have dropped a dead tree on the roof?! Lilies are easy compared to a roof! Putting myself in your position, my main feeling would be anger because smashing my plants means my hours of gardening aren't appreciated, like it's a kick in the gut. If that's how you feel, we have ALL felt that way. I agree with Ken that appreciating his tree-removal might be a good move. He did at least try to do something, even though his timing was just about awful. Otherwise, you both end up being kicked in the gut! There's always more dynamics to these stories than we can read. Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself and sometimes you need to put his side of the story in perspective long enough to let your side of the story calm down. I'd hate losing all that stuff this year...but there's always next year! P.S. I'm typically very frugal. Now my husband has a good stable job, after a few years of poverty. Whenever things like this happen I look at him and say, "OK, I'm going to buy myself something." He laughs, because he knows it's my way of saying, "I need to get paid for dealing with some of this bull****." He also said during one of our "teasing" rounds that I shouldn't call him an a**hole because it wasn't exactly encouraging (and he was right) so I smiled slyly and asked him if Brown Sugar would be a nicer way to say it. We both got a good laugh at that one. Now when I occassionally call him my Brown Sugar we both smile a bit in the pressure...but just a bit! (Get it? Brown sugar. Why is the sugar brown--because he can be that word that isn't encouraging?) Despite the obvious above profanity, I do believe in the Lord's grace, and I can say that communion often helps me with my "Lily problems" because it makes me focus on myself instead of him. I found out I might be pretty hard to live with, too. That really surprised me. Trying to get perspective is hard. Sometimes you gotta get perspective, and sometimes you gotta voice your hurt. Only you and the Lord know the answer to this one! I do, however, feel for your heart with your hours in the garden. It's a special place, isn't it? |
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| Yes, doing such a job on a ladder, with a handheld circular saw?! He did it on a weekend when our college age daughter was out of town, too. The next part of the tree is poised to fall on our neighbor's fence. It was Y shaped, one side over our yard, the other over the back neighbor's. I'd like to see what he has in mind for that. I have not asked if he has a strategy. I'm guessing replacing part of their wooden fence will cost a bit. I know you can get a tree to fall in a particular direction by the placement of the cuts, as my parents had a friend who used to take down the trees on their 4 acre wooded property that way. I (my husband, too) watched him do it numerous times. But it's quite a science. |
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| Sorry to hear about your Lilies- how disappointing! It was probably pretty rash for your husband to take down the tree that quickly especially when he has never done it before, and he was alone? What if he smashed himself instead of the lilies? I agree there was no rush - it was likely to have taken years for the tree to fall on its own. If you're interested in birds or wildlife gardening, dead trees or snags are a fantastic feature, as long as they're not at risk of falling on any structures or cherished landscaping. Snags provide nesting and perching sites for birds, as well as a food source. I left up some old snags in the back yard and had Bluebirds nest in them (in old woodpecker holes) during 2009 and 2010. Unfortunately both of the snags they used have fallen over. |
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- Posted by sandyslopes z5 UT (My Page) on Thu, Jun 16, 11 at 3:14
| "My orienpet lily Honeymoon had 25 buds on it this year! " I'm so sorry to hear this. That is heartbreaking. I'd be upset, too. Some helpful people here are assuming your DH was also trying to be helpful. I don't know if that's the case or not. You value your garden. You put a lot of effort into it, and it brings you pleasure. By not saying anything that lets you know he's sorry, not even a word of regret about where the tree fell, makes it seem like what's important to you doesn't matter. That's why an apology or at least some acknowledgement of your sense of loss would go sooo far. I get that. I'd tell him that you're going to have to replace some things he destroyed. Lilies broke off at the base will come back weak or not at all. Let's hope the neighbor's fence isn't the next casualty because that will cost more than if he'd hired someone to do it right. I like the suggestion from Dee that you should have some lily bouquets in your future. Even if you have to buy them, you deserve it. |
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| Oh dear - I just read your update that he was ON A LADDER WITH A CIRCULAR SAW?! Sorry - no doubt about it, this was a completely stupid and dangerous thing for him to do. (Not judging, I've done stupid things myself!) |
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| Jeez, and I assumed the guy at least used a chain saw. A circular saw on a ladder!!!OMG This is not trying to be helpful. A newly dead tree can stand for years and years and years, losing limbs now and then. He was showing off some weird male macho thing. And you're still going to have to hire someone to take down the rest of it, so what has he gained. Absolutely nothing. And you lost a whole year of your garden. He owes you a big, big (abject) apology. |
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| Your husband could have easily caused himself some serious harm, so fourtunately that wasn't the outcome. Bottom line is, no matter what your initial intentions, if something you did caused harm to someone else or damaged something of theirs, you need to take responsibility. That's what I and my husband taught our kids. Too often it seems the prevailing mood in this country is nothing is ever anyone's fault. |
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- Posted by ken_adrian z5 (My Page) on Thu, Jun 16, 11 at 16:21
| ladder.. circ saw ... i give up defending him ... lol ... what is he .. a professor ... or an engineer ???? ken |
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| I asked him about the circular saw over dinner, with our daughter there to back me up, saying we were just concerned about his safety. He looked confused and said that he had only used a hand saw. Considering the circular saw was out, my belief that he had used it can be understood. He said he had used that just for some deck boards he was replacing. (Which he did replace, the weekend before). Since the saw was still out, I assumed he had used it on the tree. He usually puts tools away instantly as soon as a project is finished. (I'm guessing he used the hand saw while on the ladder, then he did use the circular saw to cut the limbs off, once the tree was on the ground. This would make more sense. He's not normally careless about safety. He promised he would do the rest of the work only with one of us there. And yes, he is an engineer. |
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- Posted by flowergirl70ks 5/6KS (My Page) on Fri, Jun 17, 11 at 8:27
| An engineer-I thought surely he was a politician. Here's my take on this dilemma. My husband through the years committed many a transgression in the yard.He died last fall after being married 59 years.I miss him, bumbled yard work and all. The man didn't know the word sorry, only heard it once from him, this when I had a heart attack. It could have been a lot worse and plants will grow back. Give him a hug and thank him for trying to help. You'll feel better and so will he. I could tell a tree story of my own, but this one has been beat to death already. Next year is coming in the garden. |
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- Posted by ken_adrian z5 (My Page) on Fri, Jun 17, 11 at 8:35
| ROTFLMBO .... engineers.. are so ... so ... conceptual ... ask them to explain anything.. and odds are.. they can ... though most of it will be un-understandable to most of us ... but OMG ... most of them need to be kept away from tools ... i had one engineer buddy.. who could do NOTHING ... without making himself bleed ... it was a running joke between the rest of us.. taking odds when it would happen in any given project ...... my wife to be and the gang went up north for a long weekend.. and we were chopping wood or whatever.. for the cottage owner.. and dave starts bleeding.. and the rest of us ignore him.. and go have another beer ... and wifey is having a stroke because he cut himself .. and our reaction was.. oh.. thats just daves way ... lol ... that was near 15 years ago.. and she was just telling the story .. again .... last week ... lol listen closely ... on trees ... the biggest mistake i made for decades.. was thinking the branch had to be taken down intact ... say a 15 footer ... then one day.. i had a 'duh' moment ... and started cutting off 5 foot sections ... basically what i could hold in my hand after severing ... without falling off the ladder ... all the brush is going to have to be sectioned out for disposal.. so why not do it while it is hanging in the tree ... as i said.. DUH!!!! good luck ken |
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| An engineer! Lock the power tools away. My dad is an engineer and I get very nervous when he tries to do anything with power tools. At least he's not lazy! My brother in law is a very nice person, but he won't even try to change a light bulb! Claims he doesn't know how! Imagine being married to that! My sister has to do everything or hire someone, or ask my husband to do it - which is often the case. |
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- Posted by ken_adrian z5 (My Page) on Fri, Jun 17, 11 at 14:24
| i got it!!!! ask him if he ever had an erector set .... refer him to the link pic ... ask him how he would go about disassembling it .. would he just start taking bolts out of the middle???? and then suggest he look at the tree in the same manner ... challenge him as an engineer ... to dis-assemble it w/o risk ... explain to him he is not a lumberjack.. and can not take it down with one cut at the bottom .... just like taking down a structure ... sans explosives .. you start at the top.. and work your way down ... precisely ... w/o risk ... ken |
Here is a link that might be useful: link
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| I came home from my next trip to find the second half of the tree down, and safely. He did it on Saturday before our daughter went to work at 4 pm. There were no more smashed plants, as a matter of fact, several lilies and plants that had been leaning in the shade garden where the tree was located, had been propped up with plant stakes. So saying mildly that the lilies broken off at the base might not come back, had an effect. Now the only part that remains is the main trunk, which stands about 8 feet tall. Discussion between the kids on Father's Day was what to do with the stump. It was the end tree of 3 that died, so now it looks asymmetrical. My idea is, put something else there. Not a tree, because we have too much shade as it is. Cut it to 18" and mount a bird bath on it? Spouse is concerned about mosquitoes breeding in it. Keep it tall and put a purple martin house on it? (Do they really help with mosquitoes?) We have installed several birdhouses, but no one has ever taken up residence. (I think the holes are too small for whatever breeds we have around here.) I suggested a sundial, but it would read only for about 2 hours a day! |
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| Installing some kind of bird house is generally not a good idea because the trunk won't be baffled for climbing predators. You could cut it to 3 feet or so and make a bird feeder or bird bath. Screw on a platform feeder, throw in some seed, and the birds (and squirrels) will love it. A bird bath would be the easiest to maintain and they attract interesting birds that don't go to feeders. If you clean it out every few days, it doesn't breed mosquitoes. It's most convenient when the bird bath is close to a hose, although I have several in a grouping about 60 feet behind the house and those are a pain to fill. But the birds just love them so it's worth it. Plus there are plantings nearby that may need to be watered. |
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- Posted by cearbhaill Zone 6b Eastern KY (My Page) on Tue, Jun 21, 11 at 15:16
| Get one of those chainsaw artists to carve you a totem pole! |
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- Posted by eightzoner (My Page) on Tue, Jun 21, 11 at 15:45
| Wrap some discreet trellising material like fishing line or chicken wire around the stump and use it to grow vines. Sheri |
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| I'd have been a screaming maniac.....crushed lilies or not "What? Are you so irresponsible and unconcerned about me and the rest of the family that you would want me to come home and find you bled to death because you were so stupid to cut down a tree with a CIRCULAR SAW no less....alone....and on a ladder? You are a fool... And that would have been even before the smashed lilies! Just suppose he had never ridden a motorcycle....and somehow took a ride....without a helmet...wiped out and ruined his brand new expensive jeans....What would you have been more angry about....ruined jeans? or the stupidity of riding a motorcycle for the first time without a helmet?...Oh yeah...I for got he's alone when he rode the cycle....no one to call the ambulance! |
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