NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a policeman, who says,

"I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a
public restroom."

?Ah, yes," said the policeman."Just follow me."

He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen with manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers all in perfect bloom! Since he has the cop's blessing he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the policeman,

"That was really decent of you. Is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

"No sir," replied the policeman. "That is what we call the French Embassy."

Next......... :-)

C3D

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Guide to Redneck Medical Terms.

BENIGN---------------------What you be after you be eight

ARTERY---------------------The study of paintings

BACTERIA-------------------Back door to the cafeteria

BARIUM---------------------What doctors do when patients die

CESAREAN SECTION-----------A neighborhood in Rome

CAT-SCAN-------------------Searching for kitty

CAUTERIZE------------------Made eye contact with her

COLIC----------------------A sheep dog

COMA-----------------------Punctuation mark

D and C -------------------Where Washington is

DILATE---------------------To live long

ENEMA----------------------Not a friend

FESTER---------------------Quicker than someone else

FIBULA---------------------A small lie

G.I. SERIES----------------World Series of military baseball

HANGNAIL-------------------What you hang your coat on

IMPOTENT-------------------Distinguished or well-known

LABOR PAIN-----------------Getting hurt at work

MEDICAL STAFF--------------Doctors' cane

MORBID---------------------A higher offer than I bid

NITRATES-------------------Cheaper than day rates

NODE-----------------------I knew it

OUTPATIENT-----------------A person who has fainted

PELVIS---------------------Second cousin to Elvis

POST OPERATIVE-------------A letter carrier

RECOVERY ROOM--------------Place to do upholstery

RECTUM---------------------Darn near killed him

SECRETION------------------Hiding something

SEIZURE--------------------Roman emperor

TABLET---------------------A small table

TUMOR----------------------More than one

URINE----------------------Opposite of you're out

VARICOSE-------------------Near or close by

Good Night. :-)

Chick- a- Broncos Fan

'puter terminology for us country folks.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie
Standen, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning
the animals' cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but
possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park
administrator thought they might have a solution.

Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with
the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would
have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie
announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following
four conditions:

1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The
park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The
park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern
Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

4. And last of all, Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to
come up with the $500.

Miguel had married a woman from South America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.

Juan had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning,
dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results. But the next day it was better and by
the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire lass. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were
to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper!

Chick a Dx3

YOU COULD BE A REDNECK IF....

...taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

...you think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

...you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

...you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

...you've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

...truckers tell your wife to watch her language.

...your wife beats you at arm wrestling.

...all of your four-letter words are two syllables.

...all your art was purchased at gas stations.

...the primary color of your car is bondo.

...you are allowed to bring your dog to work.

...you've ever been arrested on an obscene mudflap charge.

...you find a car while cutting your grass.

You mean the last line ISN't "Gentlemen, start your engines???" (Insert look of shock here!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him: reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped its right paw ........ brought both paws together .... bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.

3D Chick

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24.Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas oxymoron: What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks

Frustrated by his team's lackadaisical playoff performances since the retirement of John Elway, Denver Broncos' coach Mike Shanahan decided to learn Bill Cowher's secret. Shanahan traveled to the Steelers' practice facilities and asked Cowher, "Coach, why is your team so good? What's your secret?"

To answer Shanahan, Bill Cowher called his quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to come over. "Ben," he asked, "Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Without hesitation, Roethlisberger answered, "That's easy coach. It's me." Then, Cowher turned to Denver's coach and said, "That's the secret, Mike. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback."

Thinking he finally had all the tools he would need, Shanahan returned to Denver and the Broncos workout. Promptly, he called over Jake "The Snake" Plummer, asking him, "JAKE! Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Plummer looked perplexed, thought a minute and asked, "Ummmmm.... coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?" Disgusted, Shanahan said, "FINE!"

During practice, Jake Plumber turns to one of his teammates Marco Coleman and says: "Marco, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Marco, having gone to Georgia Tech told him, "Duh! That's easy. It's me!"

After practice, Jake Plummer caught up with Mike Shanahan, "Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Marco Coleman."

Angrily, Shanahan lashed out, "No, No, no! You idiot!! It's Ben Roethlisberger!!!"

How does a dyslexic, agnostic insomiac spend his time???

He lies awake all night wondering if there is a Dog.

One of DH's favorite comments at family (food) gatherings -

While rubbing his tummy, he proclaims, "I've been diagnosed with bulemia and Alzheimer's; I keep forgetting to throw up."

And since we can't use !@#$%, I'll have to leave this one to your imagination -

In one Native American tribe, the Chief that named the babies was getting up in years. He had been naming the babies for so long that about 80% of the tribe had been named by him.

One day a soon-to-be brave came to The Naming Chief's lodge and asked to talk. The Chief invited him in and asked what was on his mind. The young man said, "You have been naming our people for many years. My father was named by you as were his brothers, me and my brothers and perhaps hundreds more, yet no two have the same name. How do you come up with these names?"

The Naming Chief said, "I do not name these babies myself. They are named by the Great Spirit. You see, when a baby is about to be born, the other chiefs and the father of the child all gather in my lodge to smoke some stuff and consult with the Great Spirit. As soon as we receive word the baby has been born, I look out the flap of my lodge to see what the Great Spirit shows me. If he shows me snow gently falling, that baby's name is 'Snow Gently Falling'; if he shows me a hawk in the sky, that baby's name is 'Hawk In The Sky'.

But tell me, why does this interest you, Two Dogs -------?"

How About Some Married Names?

What would Bo Derek be called if she married Don Ho?
Bo Ho

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
("Going up?")

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
("Sorry Ma'am, what was your name again?")

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
("Double Ouch!")

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Opinions are like Buttocks, We all have them....but it isn't always advisable to air them in public.

Chick with 3 Ds and really baaaaaaaad jokes! :-)

LMAO! I've gotta try to remember that one for the next Turkey Day. That is assuming that Brandy's DH does not hold the exclusive © and ® and ™ of it! Of course, in my particular case, it will only help to further solidify our friends/family's strong suspicions about me being several fries short of a happy meal.

____________________________________________________

Never been a big fan of George Carlin for his political stance and mainly because he's too much of a dang hippy.... but I've gotta admit that some of his stuff IS pretty funny including this skit about baseball and football.

Here's one for you. :-)

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

~~SMILE~~

Sick-a-C3D

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't
know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I
can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh . . . did I mention that I am the shift supervisor? "

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K. , I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#! *! ."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.
At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and the best one . . . .

#1 "you didn't think we give pretty women tickets? . .. . You're
right, we don't. . . . . Sign here!

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

Now about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three," she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "It's easy. I just outlived all those b******s!"

~~~~~~Rizzo the Rat~~~~~~ :=)

A toilet has been stolen from a local police station.
Detectives have nothing to go on.

CRAP! I just remembered that typing $#!& is now frowned upon.

Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rate as the nation's number one health problem.

All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness.

Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.

Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment.

They would not think twins were quite so great.

Fathers would demand that their SONS be home by 10: 00pm.

They would have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."

They would stay in bed for the entire nine months.

Women would rule the world!.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3D Chick

Mike, you will not get an argument from me on your astute observation!
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````

While the following isn't exactly a joke if is funny:
(Posted with ALL DUE respect to the XXs and XYs.)

The Difference Between Men & Women

1 NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Ken, Chris, Jim and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Ken, Chris, Jim and Tom will each throw in a $10 even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
want the change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.

3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Travel Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

7. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

8. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

9. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go for shopping, to water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

10. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

11. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Here's another funny video from that same site. I think those kids' reaction are VERY similar to what Youreit and Arum's must have experienced with that gag.

"Plants Swap."
"Bird Droppings."
"For Sale."

And further down in the list was:-
"Look at these Whoopers".

Humour just happens!
MSM Mogali Laughhhhhhhhhhing.

The management of MSM apologise for any guffaws, cringes,titters sneers or smiles, that may have been caused [or not caused] by our faux pas.

That second video is soooooo funny! x 13

MSM Mogali... That's OK. Looks like ewe were up and posting early in da mornin', weren't ewe, laddy?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food in here.'

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' said Dolly.
'It's true, no bull!' exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'

12. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

13. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

14. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

~~Eye no. Eye no! :-) ~~~

ChickaDx3

...Short term loan

...Bitty Bandit

...Pump Pirate

...Tank troll

...Robbin' Hood

(LOL! Little Hoser!!! I love that one!)

Irritating ChickaDx3

Be advised that the video clip is pretty long but also VERY good, IMO.

I used to think it was humorous when one of our "full-bodied" neighbors took a trip to the dumpster in front of our house, sans upper body coverage. However, one can only laugh so many times at something before it becomes painful.

As a public service announcement, I'd like to ask all who are neighbors to please consider the children in the community before taking leave of your house (and senses). This sight could permanently scar them (and me).

And it's winter, for cryin out loud!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eye have a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight for it to say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew!

non Toxic C3D

BTW, for some reason the studly Giant Garbage Gatherer Guy looks VERY familiar.

~~gGag~~

:-)

Wanna play a new game? :-)

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now....I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!!"

"It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sixed Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it it a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adeqate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out- way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the dam thing and pushed the button..... Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing !! I do love a little fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

I did so! Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeee... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to my wife whatt he burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc. etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger. I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in the other.

The directions said that:

A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control;

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water...

All the while I'm looking at this LITTLE device (measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way -- trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I was sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?)

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight - always 20/20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. (Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****** !!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.

The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a tazer, one note of caution.... There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor. Then if you're lucky, you won't jam one of the prongs 1/2 inch deep in your thigh like yours truly.

SON-OF-A-BISQUIT- EATER that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there?? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching... and I swear I smelled burning flesh and hair.. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way has anyone seen my testicles? I think they rolled away. I'm offering a reward. They're round rather large. Miss'em.... sure would like to get'em back.

It's good to know that the wife will be safe from stupid assailants.....

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------

The lengthy set up was well worth reading through!
I had to bring this back up to the top.
Thanks for testing this on yourself! ;)
Poo