APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER....

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_______________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Number of years they have been married
______________________________

If years of marriage less than your age, explain
________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced
cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to
you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend
___________________________________________________

How often you attend
________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is:
______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first
is:
______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest /Rabbi State
Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be
contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or
write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If
your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman
wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back.)

To prepare yourself, keep reading.

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to
the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes
do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my
daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with
my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why
don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to
her throat.
- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which feature chain saws are okay.
- Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I
ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell
me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a
shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with
me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell me
to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon
as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands
in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear
voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then
return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Carla

A year ago he met the mother of the 16 yr old boy who had been visiting (as she pulled into the driveway) and said, You have a very nice son but he can't come back....my daughter is 13. Conversation over.

Who ever heard of such a thing?

Still, I watched them like hawks and his mother, well, she double watched them like hawks. LOL.

MichaelAT