Yesterday a Giant Garden Spider was discovered and dealt with on the front porch of Rose Heyell, in the residential district of North Charleston. This Spider, an enormously outsized member of the Genus - Humongous; Species - Eeekius; has been living on the front porch for almost 2 weeks, leaving mayhem and a pile of tiny discarded and drained corpses beneath the web, the lifeless bodies victims of the Spiders' implacable thirst! The Spiders' web, a lair that stretched from one corner of the porch to the other, was so strong that several dangling chimes of a wind chime, (which were employed as support beams in the web), were rendered off kilter and hung at a right angle, instead of straight down as their wont. After twice removing the web with a standard-issue garden implement (a stick) and presenting the Spider with alternative accommodations in a nearby rose bush ("I didn't want to kill her!", stated Pagan, the chief gardener of Rose Heyell. "What if she had cousins who decided to avenge her spidery demise?? Not to mention the carnage of beetle husks under the web serves the little buggers right!") the Spider promptly returned to her preferred spot, high and dry and obstructing the main entrance to the house and garden. Yesterday, an Armored Weapon of Mass Spider-Web Destruction (a broom) was deployed in a last desperate attempt to convince the Giant Arachnid that this particular location was not favorable in terms of nearby schools, bus routes, and stores. The Spider was then carried across the street (on aforementioned Weapon of Mass Destruction, now an Arachnid All-Terrain Transport Vehicle) and persuaded to make a new start in a bed consisting of azaleas, crepe myrtles and a Bradford Pear tree. "This area has a better educational system altogether." Pagan explained; adding "I think the Spider will be happier in her new neighborhood."

At the time of this report, it is not known if the Spider has found her way back to the original homestead. If she decides that there is no place like home and squatting is the wave of her spidery future, Pagan has plans for dealing with this as well. "I have a shoe and I am not afraid to use it!" she declared.