Feeling helpless

16 years ago

On June 1st of this year I was as tickled as could be...I had a daughter Robyn that was pregnant with her third child (a girl) and was due on father's day. I also was informed by my other daughter(Angel) that she too was pregnant(her first) and was due in Dec. My two daughters were close as two sisters could be...you'd think they were twins by how connected they are. Three days before her actual due date my daughter Robyn's baby was stillborn.We were all in shock....the baby was fine and moving just two days before. No known reason....no medical reasons, the doctors are stumped and are claiming prebirth SIDS. Needless to say as the mother of a daughter who has lost a child I feel helpless to help her. She has good days and really bad days...she is going through stages I can't even imagine.

Her sister Angel just found out she is having a girl. Angel says she can't feel happy about her pregnancy because she knows how much it hurts her sister to see other pregnant women and babies. And although Robyn says she is happy for her sister...I can see the hurt on her face as she tries to pretend it's ok. Their little girls would have been 6 months apart...when they found out they were both pregnant they started making plans on how close the cousins would be and how they would play and grow up together.

My two giirls are hurting in very different ways and as their mother I don't know how to help them. I know it will take time, but that feel like a life time away right now.

Thanks for listening and letting me vent.

Tammy

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Comments (10)

iowa_jade
16 years ago
Tammy,

Sorry to hear of your loss. Words are of little comfort.

My daughter is ready to pop with her second child within the next two weeks. The child may or may not have a birth defect. No idea what sex it is, their option. All one can do is to put it into God's hands.

Prayers headed out your way.

Foghorn
vics_gardenkeeper
16 years ago
There's nothing you can do to take away the hurt but I commend you for your thoughtfulness. I was deeply appreciative of people who didn't make a stink about me not attending baby showers or even Christmas celebrations with a lot of little children. It takes years, not months, to heal and can sometimes be a two steps forward one step back process.
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sylviatexas1
16 years ago
I'm so sorry you & your family have had this loss.

I highly recommend Gardenweb's Grieving Forum (on the Home Forums side of gw).

There are lots of wise, sharing, & compassionate people over there.
mjsee
16 years ago
I am so sorry.

melanie
rainlily_sis
16 years ago
Time will help, I promise.

When I was pregnant with my 2nd baby, my cousin Melonie was pregnant with her 2nd also. Her baby was stillborn, due to the cord wrapped around his neck. That happened in October, and my baby was born the next April. At our family reunion on Independence Day, she hid out in the house upstairs and never came down to see my new baby - at the time, I was really hurt but trying to understand - so I didn't make a fuss or hold a grudge. She was fine the next year, and in fact, has since had another baby.

Then my 4th pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage, and I got a taste of that kind of regret and sadness myself - but I never directed any unhappiness or resentment toward anyone else - it's just a period of sadness. I think sometimes it just feels too raw - but your daughters are closer than me and my cousin, and I don't think it will take as long for them to move on.

Blessings to you and them,
Sis
pagan
16 years ago
sending prayers - what a tough thing to go through. So many cliches I could offer, but they are meaningless from repetition - but here is a quote I like:

"It is not a small thing to be who you are as a byproduct of pain."
Tammy Owens
Original Author
16 years ago
My daughter called me last night....she wants to have another baby. That would be ok except when she found out she was pregnant with this one she and her husband was upset. After all they already have three children and live in a small house.So her husband got a vasectomy. She's already looked in reversal procedures which aren't covered by insurance and are expensive....and invitro if that doesn't work. I have read it's normal for women who have lost a child to want to have another one so I am hoping this is a phase she is going through...after all it's not even been 2 months since she lost the baby. I don't know what to say to her.... other than I love you.
Anyway thank you again for your kind words...it does help me. And it helps to have a place to come to put down my feelings instead of keeping them to myself.
Tammy
carla17
16 years ago
Tammy, That's the worst feeling when you have kids, helpless. You see them hurting but we can't comfort. Prayers have kept me going and I will say one for Robyn and you.

Carla
zeffyrose
16 years ago
Tammy------I don't have words---just prayers.

I have a daughter Robyn also and I know how crushed she would be if this happened to her.

I feel so sad for you and Robyn.

Florence
bettym_grow
16 years ago
Tammy,

I am truly sorry to hear about your daughter's loss. It is so painful to loose a baby. I had 2 miscarriages, one was a late miscarriage and it took me a very long time to grieve. Hormones are also raging and make things twice as hard.

I'll pray for your daughter. I'll also pray for you too. Your daughter must be made of strong stuff Tammy. She sounds like a hope-filled person as well. I have friends who have had babies die either right before birth and sometimes right afterwards. Some of them conceived again and their lives were filled with great joy at the birth of their new baby.

You sound like a wonderful mom.

Betty