Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Barbara, you should have remained a virgin.'

-- Barbara Bush (mother of G.W.)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- - Victor Borge

B e careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

-- Groucho Marx

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Than it's time for my nap.

-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.

-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

---Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.