Dear Dr. Pill,
I have a problem. I have a phobia of pills. Cannot swallow them. What should I do?

Kate

Take two aspirin and check back with me in the morning...

I think that I am a bird. I get feathers in my chili. I lose teeth searching for worms. I fall off of motorpickles stopped at red lights. I offer lots of sage advise that turns out to be true, sometimes - sometimes not.

I at first thought it was old age creeping in, but I was Mighty Mouse until I got married.

After I got married to a Troll, I was changed into a boy toy with no will of my own until I bought a horse. Then I became the Lone Ranger except I had to sell my horse to put the kids through college. I was my own Tonto - split personality perhaps.

Then I became an American Toshirô Mifune, until bad health had me taking Tai Chi waving my body around in waves of chi crushing the unbalanced players. Hee! Hee!

I am not insane. Well, I am a little bit, but that is OK as after a steady diet of booze and pills that read "Do not take with booze" I have very few brain cells left, but I am grateful I have enough to spill out my woes out to Dr Pill.

Hep me! Hep me!

Foghorn Leghorn
National Anti Grass League

Richard---You are funny-----In this perfect world of roses ---how could anyone have a problem---LOL LOL

Oh well keep your office doors open !!!!!

Florence

Have you ever had this happen, Dr: [?]

A dentist was working late at his office and a man walked in and said "Please, please help... I think I'm a moth!"

The dentist said, "But I'm a dentist. I think you need a psychiatrist."

The man replied, "Yes, I think so too."

Dentist: "Then why did you come in here?"

Man: "The light was on."

:) :) :)

I think the answer is: Take two aspirins and call me in the morning.

Can you imagine the bill we will receive for that sage advice?

Kate (LOL)

Its $200 just to set up your records-$100 a visit.
Send the money to me.
Pill will have a tough time with that bunch on hot topics.
Not razor sharp but uptight and opinionated.One day and they have honored me by making me the designated TROLL.Coming from them,I am proud to bear the title.

Pete,

You know Richard needs all the help he can get as we all do. What do you need money for? Are the fish going up in price at the Fishmongers?
(I thought that was pretty good one myself! Not as good as the Moth Joke, but hey.)

Foghorn

Dear Friends, I am glad that you have come to me for some help. However, your problems and concerns do not reach the level of a need for my help. Therefore, I am turning you over to my colleague, Mrs. Dumbfart, for a little bit of help with your coping skills. I have personally trained her to handle matters that do not expressly feed into my speicalties or of minor significance. Group rates are available...

Dear friends, Thank you for presenting your concerns and problems to me. Unfortunately, they do not rise to the level of needing my intervention at this time. Please remember that my highly specialized training and experience in dreams and fantasies will be available here. May, I suggest that you watch those TV hucksters like Dr. Phil and Oprah for insight into your everyday difficulties in coping with life...

Dear Dr. Pill,
I didn't tell you about my total problem. The reason I can't swallow pills is because I have a recurrent dream in which a giant pill comes and tries to swallow me. That dream frightens me so that I gag on pills when I try to take them. What should I do?

Since you are charging me hundreds of dollars (or so Pete proclaims) for each question/answer, I hope you will at least give me my moneys worth.

Kate

So pleased to get something of substance to work on. Your dream of being chased and swallowed by a giant pill is a common one and relates to what was on your mind before going to sleep. Please check out Woody Allen's movie "Everything That You Wanted to know About Sex But Was Afraid to Ask." As I recall Woody always had sexual matters on his mind and in this movie he is being chased by a giant boob! So be careful about what you are obssessing on during the day as it will probably show up in your dreams. For example for romantic dreams, think about a person that you might be attracted to, celebrities are good figures for this and it would not be considered cheating on a significant other; whereas if you are thinking about somebody at work or a neighbor, this could get you in trouble, especially if you talk in your sleep, which is another issue that I don't have time to go into now...

Yipes! I've been Freudianized!

Maybe I'll just dissolve my pills in water. Think that will work?

Kate

Dr.,
I'm afraid to retire because your bills are so high. Can I count on you for a discount when I am on a fixed income?

Do you consider Pete one of your medical successes?

Sorry to be late getting back to you but I had to make an emergency house call that required me staying for a period of time to watch the body of a patient experiencing intense dreams the content of which I am not at liberty to discuss. Dissolving pills before ingesting is fine and will provide a quicker reaction; however, one should be careful with drugs like Vicodin. In regard to Pete, I have found him to be normal except when he is cruelly provoked by harsh comments, especially on Hot Topics. And he was just jesting about my fees, as I provide my services free as a public service, and, if I start to charge and you are retired, Medicare will probably cover you...

Dr Pill,

Are you communing with the dead now or was this a live body before the Vicodin Vodka drinkypoo. Did you get lucky?

Who carries your Medical Malpractice Insurance? Are they happy? It can void your policy and make them very happy, if you don't tell them about all of the little sheriff's visits and those little pesky papers that they give you.

I find this is very noble of you and wish you well in your endeavour no matter how short lived.

So our resident fisherman is normal. I believe that, of course I am a chicken.

Foghorn

Dr. Pill,

Did you recommend that Pete become the star of the Hot Topics Forum as part of his therapy?

Foghorn,

Is courage required to believe Pete is normal? I think he is about as normal as I am, however, I am a coward...

I believe that 99% of all chickens, after Dr. Pills' laudable diagnosis, believe that Pete is normal. I am just following the flock.

However, it does take great courage, to submit oneself to the good Doctor's tender ministrations, especially if one is a chicken and he has the barbeque fired up. I am very scared to check my PPO list.

Foghorn

Hmm. Let me say that I expanded the definition of normal to meet the needs of this forum which I find to be at the outer limits of normalcy if not completely bonkers at times. But do you want for free from me?